Guilt he’s not with me 24/7

[BlueSeas]

Hi all, new member but have browsed before and you seem to give very straight-talking (but knowledgable) advice, and was hoping you could impart some wisdom.

How do I stop feeling guilty and anxious leaving my boy even for short periods?

I did not used to be like this. I lost my first bird a few months ago, and have had anxiety ramp up since then. First it was about his health, now it’s about his care.

I work from home so he’s with me most of the day and out for hours at a time most days (unless being naughty!), pelleted diet and loves foraging toys where he gets seeds. Working on getting fruits and veggies in there.

Yet when I finish work in the evening (and leave bird room/office) I feel immense guilt. I have visions of him just perching alone or sad.

• He will play with foraging toys but unless I continually refill them, eventually they run out.
• He has the radio on when I am not there; all day weekends, and after work weekdays
• Icover him for sleep between 8-9:30pm as I start work around 9:30am.
  • we worked very hard to bring screaming down and extra sleep I think helped with that.
  • I’ve seen some people talk about having 12-14 hours sleep; I worry about him less when I know he is covered, but I don’t want to punish him or cover him earlier just for my benefit
• He is about 10 years old, a rosella, not very tame (as expected, although some are!) and likes to perch behind me, on my monitors, or chew my books and computer wires

On weekends it’s worse. He hangs out with me in his pak-o-bird (we have a cat, so he is in a bird room and also can’t move his cage to a more central location) but especially if I head out of the house for a few hours I just can’t stop worrying about him. I know there’s lots of discussions about parrots with separation anxiety, but I think I’m the one who has it!!

I will bring him with me outside for errands but the fact that I feel guilty on weekdays just isn’t healthy. I am speaking to a therapist about this anxiety but I hoped you all could share your thoughts too <3

 

[GaleriaGila]

Hi all, new member but have browsed before and you seem to give very straight-talking (but knowledgable) advice, and was hoping you could impart some wisdom.

How do I stop feeling guilty and anxious leaving my boy even for short periods?

I did not used to be like this. I lost my first bird a few months ago, and have had anxiety ramp up since then. First it was about his health, now it’s about his care.

I work from home so he’s with me most of the day and out for hours at a time most days (unless being naughty!), pelleted diet and loves foraging toys where he gets seeds. Working on getting fruits and veggies in there.

Yet when I finish work in the evening (and leave bird room/office) I feel immense guilt. I have visions of him just perching alone or sad.

• He will play with foraging toys but unless I continually refill them, eventually they run out.
• He has the radio on when I am not there; all day weekends, and after work weekdays
• Icover him for sleep between 8-9:30pm as I start work around 9:30am.
  • we worked very hard to bring screaming down and extra sleep I think helped with that.
  • I’ve seen some people talk about having 12-14 hours sleep; I worry about him less when I know he is covered, but I don’t want to punish him or cover him earlier just for my benefit
• He is about 10 years old, a rosella, not very tame (as expected, although some are!) and likes to perch behind me, on my monitors, or chew my books and computer wires

On weekends it’s worse. He hangs out with me in his pak-o-bird (we have a cat, so he is in a bird room and also can’t move his cage to a more central location) but especially if I head out of the house for a few hours I just can’t stop worrying about him. I know there’s lots of discussions about parrots with separation anxiety, but I think I’m the one who has it!!

I will bring him with me outside for errands but the fact that I feel guilty on weekdays just isn’t healthy. I am speaking to a therapist about this anxiety but I hoped you all could share your thoughts too <3

Oooooooooooooooooooh, your parrot has it GOOD!
Still, I know it's hard to deny them anything and everything. That's how I wound up with such a spoiled devil.

A good excuse to tell the Rb story... thank you!

I got him in 1984. I was fearing getting evicted due to his noise, and my family at the time HATED him. I recall struggling to make a decision, sitting on the floor of my townhouse, watching him race and skip and frolic around on the tile floor, and then run to me GRINNING, so proud to be showing off for me. I would just stare at him and be amazed: imagine --- a real parrot in my house, and it loved me! I felt so guilty and inadequate and afraid at one point that I had him in his travel cage and was planning to take him back to the bird store. I opened the front door and couldn't go through. Closed it. Sat down. Took my little love out and promised him we would stay together.
I didn't really believe it, but I wanted to. Eventually, I did. I was in college back then, and at least I could spend a lot of time with him.
Then there were were years (about 25 of them) when 5-6 days a week, I was gone at 7:30-ish and back at 6-ish.
Some did and will consider me wrong and think I should have re-homed him. My husband at that time detested the bird. My current ol' man tolerates him with good humor. No, the bird wasn't responsible for the first marriage's ending!
Anyway, here is what I think made it work.
I moved and got new jobs maybe 5 times or so. BUT...
Every morning, he had at least ten minutes, and every evening, he had 20 or so. I have always kept him on a natural light schedule, in a separate room, so sometimes those times together were in the dark. During the day, he had a big window looking out on something interesting, a television on one of his favorite channels (music channels, shopping channels), a biggg cage, lots of fun foods, and a few toys that I changed out regularly).
He KNEW he could count on those two crummy sessions a day. Somehow we both made it.
I'm now retired and times are good again.
I do know I can't imagine life without him at this point.

 

[rheashard2]

Grief hits hard aggravating any feelings of guilt and separation anxiety. My story. I got my first grey, had 2 small dogs. I was a travel nurse. State to state city to city, year to year. The four of us had a wonderful time. Then I decided to stay in Texas. Dogs were in late teens. I was worried about them. Well pups went to canine paradise 6 months apart at 17 and 18 yo respectively. My grey had been with them since 4 months. We gave each other comfort. We were both getting back to normal. It took nearly 4 years. Then I was gone for a few hours. There was electrical fire w mainly smoke. My companion of 20+ years was gone. It was devastating. Just before this I got physically injured. I became moody, contrary but not self destructive. My daughter became worried. Don't know what she saw. She saved up and purchased another hand fed baby grey. She remembered just enough about how to find and purchase one. She took the little one to my previous avian vet on way home. I could only stare at the feathered bundle. She refused to say where purchased. I still had cage. She helped me clean it. The little ate pellets (Harrison, that I prefer) and my vet sold it. Then I had to go through training for both of us. I check on her frequently. It was very hard to self discipline myself to prevent her from reflecting my neurotic behavior. That was nearly 20 yrs ago. I still check frequently. I take her out of cage randomly during the day. I listen to her at night. My reading and training helped me a lot with grief, anxiety, projection and more. Yes, my grey milks me for everything that she can get. But I did get limits in place. My daughter and I are at mild odds. I protest any fires; fireplace, grill, incense etc. I feel electric cords for heat. I honestly don't know what would've happened if she smoked! Channel your anxiety into something that you and your feathered bud can enjoy. Believe me spending lots of time researching, evaluating and learning how to make safe toys, chop, and the like, where to purchase ingredients and materials will not leave much mental energy for worry. You may not be physically close when doing your projects but the mental satisfaction is great. The personality between my two greys is interesting. #1 was into sound effects and whistling. He spoke but not extensively. He preferred action films, anime and the like. This grey is a true motor beak. She talks and talks and talks. She's proved that the 1K vocabulary is ridiculous. Her vocabulary is in the thousands. She likes some cartoons, anime etc I don't mind them. She loves sitcoms, talk shows, live chat and the like. I dislike them intensively. She somehow can tell if my daughter is having a vid conference. Then I have to humor her by getting my daughters permission for feathered participation.

 

[kme3388]

The reason I have 4 parrots is mainly because of guilt

Parrots are very high maintenance, and they perplexing creatures to care for. They are also very demanding. They are often rehomed for these purposes. Essentially for being exactly what they are... a parrot. They bite, they get hormonal, some are so loud they can wake the dead, some are incredibly destructive, and messy. They can be cage aggressive. Nothing makes them want to please you like a dog. Yes, there are parrot owners that know this stuff, and don't care. Then there are innocent people who take on parrots not realizing the above things I just pointed out, and into shelters they go. Its a vicious circle. I have experience with parrots so I try to contribute (no I'm not perfect, and at times I have to reach out for help).

I cannot take on any more parrots. I am at capacity. I know I've said it a million times that I was done adopting more parrots as I already have enough on my own plate, and then I see one in need of a home. I can't say no, and walk away. At this point I have no choice as I would be doing harm, and no longer able to give my parrots the proper care & attention by taking on more parrots. I do not regret adopting any of my parrots, but this is that guilt thing that you are talking about above.

I'm guilty of overthinking... I try to list things so I can gather my thoughts & internalize things. It's always really helped clarify things for me.

 

[BlueSeas]

Thank you for your story GaleriaGila, you are SO right that it’s hard to deny them ANYTHING, and I hate leaving him in the bird room. But I need to go make dinner, relax in front of the TV, and even if he joins me in pak-o-bird he eventually gets bored in there and starts chewing it so I reluctantly bring him upstairs.

When I was in college there were also a few years where both of them had to stay with my parents and I wasn’t there at all, or when I was working and they had very little or no time out of cage. They didn’t even enjoy the toys in there to be honest, but I knew they had the social aspect of a family home, and they were at least next to each other (different cages, they did NOT get on ). Without a second bird, not only am I super focused on him, I worry because he does not have that secondary entertainment. But I’m not able to commit time or space wise to another bird, even when the universe presented a silly tame lost parrotlet (a story for another time; owner wasn’t even grateful I got him back to her!) I realised I didn’t want another bird. There is a very big possibility he would not get on with another bird anyway, or attack them, even if they were another rosella.

Was going to read and reply to everyone else in the one message but this is getting long as-is

Also I’ve never not once heard “your parrot has it GOOD”! I just compare myself to those owners who have aviaries, or multiple birds to keep each other company, feed chop, their birds love toys and are so tame that you just know they’re enriched by petting and cuddling.

 

[BlueSeas]

Grief hits hard aggravating any feelings of guilt and separation anxiety.

I thought I wasn’t affected by grief any more. I obviously am, to some degree, as I will be for many years, but I didn’t think it would be affecting my behaviour so much.

It was very hard to self discipline myself to prevent her from reflecting my neurotic behavior. That was nearly 20 yrs ago. I still check frequently. I take her out of cage randomly during the day. I listen to her at night. My reading and training helped me a lot with grief, anxiety, projection and more.

I feel this so hard. I’m projecting my own feelings on to him, creating emotions for him that I know on some level are not true.

Channel your anxiety into something that you and your feathered bud can enjoy. Believe me spending lots of time researching, evaluating and learning how to make safe toys, chop, and the like, where to purchase ingredients and materials will not leave much mental energy for worry. You may not be physically close when doing your projects but the mental satisfaction is great.

the only point I will unfortunately have to disagree on my anxiety is exacerbated by research, reassurance seeking, and planning. I get hell bent on buying new toys, trying chop, and just feel nervous and guilty the whole time that he doesn’t already have these things. I had to unsubscribe from the /r/parrots subreddit just because seeing the posts every day was making me anxious about not “doing enough”.

I am also so sorry to hear about the fire that took your friend; your checking behaviour is absolutely understandable

 

[BlueSeas]

The reason I have 4 parrots is mainly because of guilt

Parrots are very high maintenance, and they perplexing creatures to care for. They are also very demanding. They are often rehomed for these purposes. Essentially for being exactly what they are... a parrot. They bite, they get hormonal, some are so loud they can wake the dead, some are incredibly destructive, and messy. They can be cage aggressive. Nothing makes them want to please you like a dog. Yes, there are parrot owners that know this stuff, and don't care. Then there are innocent people who take on parrots not realizing the above things I just pointed out, and into shelters they go. Its a vicious circle. I have experience with parrots so I try to contribute (no I'm not perfect, and at times I have to reach out for help).

I cannot take on any more parrots. I am at capacity. I know I've said it a million times that I was done adopting more parrots as I already have enough on my own plate, and then I see one in need of a home. I can't say no, and walk away. At this point I have no choice as I would be doing harm, and no longer able to give my parrots the proper care & attention by taking on more parrots. I do not regret adopting any of my parrots, but this is that guilt thing that you are talking about above.

I'm guilty of overthinking... I try to list things so I can gather my thoughts & internalize things. It's always really helped clarify things for me.

Relate to this so much. I considered rehoming him a few times over the years - most recently when I had a huge breakdown, realising behind his cage had gotten dusty/grimey and bird room in general wasn’t clean, and I thought “I am an awful owner, he deserves better”. The previous times, it was because I had wanted a tame and cuddly bird, he was sold as tame but as I subsequently read is common with rosellas, he very quickly reverted (not that he even was that tame when he arrived). But I made a commitment to him, I could never rehome him just because his attitude wasn’t what I wanted. Even with his screaming! And he has been so good, we’ve pretty much trained that out, even though he’d been they way most of his life.

I completely agree with you about how high maintenance they are, and the lack of bandwidth for another bird. I cannot take another one in; lack of space for another cage, big doubts he would get on with any other bird in HIS cage, knowing it’s another 10-20 years where I will be feeling worry and adapting my life and schedule for them. I am prepared for him to be my last parrot; maybe a pigeon or something eventually, but I got him when I was 20, am now 30, and could get 5, 10, 15 or even 20 more years with him and can’t add another decade or two on top of that for another bird.

How does listing things help you? I will try anything. I know I need to stop researching and reassurance seeking as it makes the anxiety worse.

 

[kme3388]

Relate to this so much. I considered rehoming him a few times over the years - most recently when I had a huge breakdown, realising behind his cage had gotten dusty/grimey and bird room in general wasn’t clean, and I thought “I am an awful owner, he deserves better”. The previous times, it was because I had wanted a tame and cuddly bird, he was sold as tame but as I subsequently read is common with rosellas, he very quickly reverted (not that he even was that tame when he arrived). But I made a commitment to him, I could never rehome him just because his attitude wasn’t what I wanted. Even with his screaming! And he has been so good, we’ve pretty much trained that out, even though he’d been they way most of his life.

I completely agree with you about how high maintenance they are, and the lack of bandwidth for another bird. I cannot take another one in; lack of space for another cage, big doubts he would get on with any other bird in HIS cage, knowing it’s another 10-20 years where I will be feeling worry and adapting my life and schedule for them. I am prepared for him to be my last parrot; maybe a pigeon or something eventually, but I got him when I was 20, am now 30, and could get 5, 10, 15 or even 20 more years with him and can’t add another decade or two on top of that for another bird.

How does listing things help you? I will try anything. I know I need to stop researching and reassurance seeking as it makes the anxiety worse.

I make lists for anything, and everything. Right now I’m looking at buying a newer car. I buy used cars. I always have. I bought one new car my entire life. Something about driving a car off the lot, and losing value immediately makes me cringe. It makes me never want to invest. So I list my needs, wants, price range, and such. I make sure to stick to my list so I don’t end up buying stuff I don’t need, and spending unnecessary money. I do research on the vehicle I am looking into. I look into what I can get for trade in. Car dealerships want to give people as little as possible for trade in so they can make money off your car, and then they want the most for their car so they can again make as much money as possible. Nothing in here benefits me. I myself point this stuff out, and if a car dealership isn’t willing to work with me on fair pricing I walk away. I educate myself to protect myself.



I write things down like this so I can think with a clear mind, and not be emotionally reactive to something. This is just an example but I pretty much make lists for anything and everything. I now don’t make so many mistakes as I did when I was in my teens, and 20’s. I had a lot of hard life lessons that were preventable is why I do this.

 

[rheashard2]

Research helps if actually try out the subject. The doing is the aids. I couldn't bear to buy a birdie gym. Even parrot resistant ones lasted about a month. This lead to guilt. Research lead to to PVC gyms. That lead me to making my own. My reassurance came because I knew the materials were as safe as possible. Reading about things alone can add to the guilt. Doing puts the guilt into other channels. That's the key. Put your grief and guilt into a different and positive channel(s). This can be an ongoing challenge. On one occasion I researched, learned then made 2 PVC gyms, free standing and table top. That channeled a lot of guilt and anxiety into a positive avenue. There's nothing wrong with grief, guilt, anxiety etc. It's allowing these and other emotions to dictate your actions, clutter your thoughts etc. It's not easy. It can seem overwhelming and impossible. Ask any one recovering from grief, guilt, anxiety issues.

 

[BlueSeas]

It does sometimes feel overwhelming, or impossible. Right now he’s just chilling with me, in the winter when it’s darker earlier I remember both of them winding down much earlier in the afternoon. Yet I’m worried the chill attitude could be some sort of hidden illness that I’m missing I know this isn’t true, he was literally at the vet last week for a checkup, just filled up on pellets and had a lovely bath earlier, is beak grinding. I know he’s safe. And yet!

And soon he’s going to go back in his cage when I finish up for the day, and I’m going to feel guilty again! He’s going to get a foraging box refill to keep busy but just leaving him alone gives me anxiety.

You’re right that it’s not necessarily these feelings that are bad, but what you do with them - however it’s still tough. I just always feel like I could be doing “more” and yet I know having a Velcro bird would be bad for both of us!

 

[rheashard2]

It does sometimes feel overwhelming, or impossible. Right now he’s just chilling with me, in the winter when it’s darker earlier I remember both of them winding down much earlier in the afternoon. Yet I’m worried the chill attitude could be some sort of hidden illness that I’m missing I know this isn’t true, he was literally at the vet last week for a checkup, just filled up on pellets and had a lovely bath earlier, is beak grinding. I know he’s safe. And yet!

And soon he’s going to go back in his cage when I finish up for the day, and I’m going to feel guilty again! He’s going to get a foraging box refill to keep busy but just leaving him alone gives me anxiety.

You’re right that it’s not necessarily these feelings that are bad, but what you do with them - however it’s still tough. I just always feel like I could be doing “more” and yet I know having a Velcro bird would be bad for both of us!

Separation anxiety is never ending. Sometimes my bird doesn't want to stay home alone. She feeds my guilt! Baby bird, fussy, blowing kisses, sounding like the door closing and more. Hate to acknowledge it but that's difficult to deal with. There's no easy answer. It was easier for me to deal with my daughter joining army airborne then for me to leave my feathered 'child ' for work! I emphasize with behavior changes worry. Birds hide being sick. That's something all of us need to be aware of. One of my major anxiety is loose feathers on bottom of cage. Greys are notorious feather pluckers. I examine her closely when loose feathers are present. My daughter was annoyed with that behavior. She ran off copies of different bird areas. Then got a calculator and told me to start counting. She'd note the feather numbers in appropriate areas. My reply was that's stupid. Daughter looked between me and parrot until I got the hint. She told me to save long feathers, use my craft skills and make things. That decreased but didn't eliminate that particular anxiety issue.

 

[BlueSeas]

Was having a chat and think about it today with therapist. I really wish I COULD do more for him, I want to give him everything! But unless taking care of him is my job, I’m just never going to be able to give him “enough”. There is always more I could do. And thats tough to deal with