WHAT IS the matter with you parrot people?
Because, let's face it, parrot people are weird. Now don't deny it
or send me indignant notes about how normal you are - you're not
fooling anyone. Think about it: When a normal person brings a pet
such as a dog or a cat or a goldfish into their homes, they continue
to lead normal lives. They socialize with other normal people, they
continue to listen to the same types of music, read the same types
of books, and eat the same types of foods as before. You, my parrot-
afflicted friend, do not.
So how odd are you? Let's make a list!
#1. You are a scholar of psittacinism. You scour the Internet and
bookstores for research material on parrots. You join discussion
groups and share in agonizing detail each tiny movement of your
parrot with other parrot owners, who then share a more-than-unusual
interest in everyone else's parrot's poop. In fact, poop now
occupies so much of your thought and free time that you have lost
interest in politics, career, and IRA earnings.
#2. You have begun avoiding normal people, because your parrot seems
to have taken a dislike to normal people. This includes your spouse.
When he (or she) walks into the same room as you and your bird,
there is obvious resentment at the intrusion. However, you are
trying to stop reacting this way.
#3. You eat parrot food. That is, you have taken to eating the
special healthy people food you fix for your parrot. It's so much
easier than separately preparing the usual junk for yourself. This
is, in general, a good thing. (Just remember to avoid the birdie
bread you made with Harrison's.)
#4. You have rearranged your furniture to accommodate your bird and
future birds. If you are severely afflicted, you have bought a new
house especially designed for parrotly needs, including vaulted
ceilings, screened-in porches and rooms with drains in the floor.
#5. You buy only healthy and interesting pet toys that cost the
equivalent of two months' salary and can be destroyed by a beak in
five minutes. You ask store clerks questions such as, "Is the dye on
this wooden block human grade?" and "What types of chemicals were
used to treat this suede strip?" and "Where can I find your organic,
preservative-free unshelled imported almonds?"
#6. You make your own bird toys. Sometimes you do this even when you
can find bird toys you like. "My toys are cheaper to make, or more
interesting," you tell yourself. And then you set up an Internet
store or auction site to sell your toys. You use your other talents
For the Good of Parrots. You make quilted cage covers, human
clothing protectors, jewelry designed to be worn by humans and
chewed on by parrots, paintings of parrots, key chains engraved with
the parrot's name.
Parrots are the dominant species on earth and they are simply using
us to perpetuate their race and eventually take over. If you doubt
that, just remember that it's the dominant creature who gets other
creatures to take care of it. Think about all you do for your bird,
the hours spent cleaning his cage, cleaning the floor, cleaning the
food and water dishes, cleaning the bird toys, cooking food,
cleaning the walls of said food, bandaging your skin from the latest
nip. Then think about how you sit down exhausted and feel grateful
and honored to look upon his pampered plumage and big dark eyes.
This is not normal. You'll never see a dog person made misty by the
beauty of their pet slowly lifting its leg.
I say it's high time we parrot people reclaim our lives and save the
human race from certain demise. Be strong - it won't be easy or done
quickly, but by acting together we can thrive as a species again.
I'll be right there with you, just as soon as I finish sewing this
bird cosey and taking the pellet casserole out of the oven.
(don't get me wrong I love my kids) but with birds when they've been trained at least they listen to you 90% of the time, as opposed to kids only taking notice 10% of the time. 
