Parrot Jokes

[Lilly Bird]

These are a few of my favorites. Post some of yours!

~So this guy goes into a pet store and sees a beautiful parrot but it has a blue string handing from one foot and a red one from the other. He thinks this is a little strange so he asks the shopkeeper what the strings are for.

"Well this is a highly trained parrot" the shopkeeper replies.

"If you pull the red string he talks in French, if you pull the blue string he talks in English".

"Wow" exclaims the man shopping that's really neat "What happens if you pull them both at the same time?"

"I fall off my perch you idiot!" exclaims the parrot.~

~Jimmy got a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive and those that weren't were, at the least rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly being polite, playing soft music, trying to coach polite words out of him. Nothing worked.

He shouted at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook it and the bird got madder and ruder. Finally , in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the bird in the freezer. He heard the bird shouting, swearing, screaming and then all suddenly became silent.


Jimmy was frightened that he may have hurt or even killed the bird and quickly opened the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's arm and said, ''I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavour to give you nothing but pleasure and allow you to develop a sense of pride in my improved bearing and erudite conversation.''

Jimmy was astounded at the change and was about to ask the reason for the change when the parrot continued

''May I ask what the chicken did?''

~One Late Evening, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. Tiptoeing through the living room he suddenly froze when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, "What's your name?"

"Moses," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Moses?"

The parrot said, "Same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus

 

[Peta]

They are very good, I'll have to have a think about my favourites when I've got a bit of time. At the moment I'm popping in and out as I'm cooking

 

[birdcrazy]

OK here is mine and I will try not to mess it up as I m doing it from memory -

So this lady had problems with her faucet just as she was going out of town -she called a plumber. She told the plumber not to worry about her bull dog "he just sleeps in the corner won't cause you any harm" But whatever the plumber did he was NOT to talk to the parrot!!! So the plumber gets there and is working on the faucet with the parrot talking and cutting up the whole time - finally he can't take it any more and yells "SHUT UP YOU STUPID BIRD" the parrot then replies "sick him Bruno"!
hope that made since

 

[Peta]

Oh knew that I should have said that earlier. That was the one I was gonna tell, so now I've gotta start thinking of another one.

Obviously Great minds think alike Kelli.

 

[Lilly Bird]

Ha HA~ Whats your fav out of my 3? the first seccond or third?

I likw the 2nd alot!

 

[bill]

I would have to say the third would be mine.I cant really think of any at the moment but i will see what i can find.

 

[Eclectica]

I knew the last one, heard it when i was about 12 years old and still remember it. I will post some as soon as i get some!

 

[BlackNova]

Polly want a crack-up?

So there's this magician working on a small cruise ship. He's been doing his routines every night for a year or two now. The audiences appreciate him, and they change over often enough that he doesn't have to worry too much about new tricks. However, there's this parrot who sits in the back row and watches him night after night, year after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how the tricks work and starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind his back!" Well, the magician get really annoyed at this, but he doesn't know what to do. The parrot belongs to the Captain, so he can't just kill it. One day, the ship springs a leak and sinks. The magician manages to swim to a plank of wood floating by and grabs on. The parrot is sitting on the other end of the plank. The just stare at each other and drift. They drift for 3 days and still don't speak. On the morning of the fourth day, the parrot looks over at the magician and says: "OK, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"

 

[birdcrazy]

LOL I had forgotten that one too cute!

 

[darkchi]

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. Remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks. "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

 

[darkchi]

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles.

Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you looking at you old fart? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."

 

[Peta]

thats a good one,

 

[bill]

A man goes into a pet store to buy a parrot. He walks in and sees three identicle parrots.He says to the shop keeper how much is the bird on the right. The clerk replies 5,000.00. The man replies"Why so expensive". The clerk says he can use a computer. The man then asks how much for the second parrot. The clerk says 15,000,00. The man remarks "why so expensive.".The clerk replies he does all the first parrot can do but he also knows the unix operating system.What about the third parrot then? The clerk replies" 30,000,00. The man remarks " thats expensive,Why so?. The shop clerk replies " not sure really but the other two call him boss.

 

[Lilly Bird]

Ha HA HA! Thats a good one!

 

[Peta]

:18: :18: :18: :18: That is a good one. I like it.

 

[bill]

I did scrape up some others but they were a bit rude i thought.