my mom is in a rage..what should i do? calling psych majors!

[Conuregirl]

this will sound bizarre but it's my life lol. my mother is a hoarder and obsessed with clothes. all she does all night is try on clothes in front of a mirror. even an ex roommate of her's complained to me that's all she does and they can't live with her. this annoys me terribly! she's in her 70's and i can hear pacing at the mirror and going through her junk.

she has lived with me for 5 years and you cant walk in her room. she has never unpacked in the 5 years. its covered with clothes and junk bags, coats, newspapers, shoes, and crap everywhere on the floor to the windows. she stacked all these things on the window that cracked the glass. all her dressers are open and cant be closed because its over stuffed. her old dresser, like 30 years old, is falling part since she uses the handles to hang clothes. i am talking about handfuls of stuff like jackets, skirts, pants, and more clothes on the front of the dresser, its falling off.

she comes homes and does the usual try stuff on. shes going to paris next month and shes packing for it already but never has the time to unhoarde her room. well, i got annoyed cause its incredibly distracting to have someone leave their room to look at themselves in the mirror all the time. she has a mirror in her room but she wants other views lol. well, i go in her room because she wanted to show me she "cleaned". she hardly did, it is still an a&e hoarders episode. i showed her the dresser's drawer is falling apart because she hangs stuff off of the handles.. i pulled the front of the drawer and it fell off. ..

she got ticked off called me mother f'kr and said i was dead to her lol. my husband is mad at me for doing this, too. she is really pissed at me for what i did but i couldnt help it. the dresser has been falling apart since she moved here. she broke another dresser i gave her and i had to throw one out. i started yelling at her that it is broken and shes a hoarder and some other crap. ugh, shes been like this my whole life. she let her brother love me in the wrong kind of was when i was a child and never did a thing. we have a totally estranged relationship. i was never loved as a child lol! she told me she didnt want to spoil me so there was never any hugs, kisses, or love. i dont have a mother that most people have.

i told my husband fix the dresser if you want cause she is stomping around the house slamming everything. she has scared all my birds and dog cause of all the noise shes making. i guess what i did was out of line. i cant help it sometimes and like to exacerbate things. yes, i ripped the drawer front off, but jeez shes now telling me she im dead to her and she is leaving me forever lol. isnt that a bit drastic?

 

[Thekatsmeow]

Wow....um just wow!

 

[Mudkips]

I have lived with a really bad hoarder and some minor ones over the years. They never realize they have a problem until it becomes a major problem.
One house I lived in didn't even have a lounge room/living room because it was stacked to the ceiling with boxes and other rubbish. :headwall:

Some advice: you definitely can't change her mind about anything while she's angry. So the only thing you can do about it right now is to settle down and relax. Ff she's a decent person she may even turn around and apologize for what she's said once she's blown off some steam (so long as you don't make the situation worse (but I wouldn't count on it :smile033).
You can get her to clean up her act when she asks for help, which all hoarders inevitably do. e.g Only help her move house if she throws out most of her stuff.

Best of luck!

 

[Conuregirl]

thx for some comments. i think she kinda went berserk. ive had my psychiatrist and psychologist over the years agree that she suffers histrionic and is absolutely delusional. she says a lot of the stuff she has done or said never happened lol. shes a real gem!

omg she is seriously attached to all this crap. she holds on to beat up suitcases because it has sentimental value. i tried to convince her to take a picture of these things and then throw it out but it never happened. i dont know how to get through to her.

 

[MollyGreenCheeks]

Well, you stated that you have professional help involved so that's good. She may be "blood" but you have your husband to worry about too. If you mom can go to Paris she can afford to live elsewhere. I'm sorry, that may sound mean but I've seen far too many marriages end because parents were too close and too involved. Do not let her destroy your life anymore than she already has.

 

[Pookamama]

Is she getting any sort of counseling? It really sounds there are issues she needs professional help with.

 

[sonja]

Your mother has a serious mental illness and needs professional help. No one, including you, can "fix" her by showing her what she's doing wrong. Just take that burden off of your shoulders, because it is just not something that can be done.

I would suggest continuing your own counseling and simply working to repair the damage all of this has done to you. The only person you can fix is yourself and you should not have to suffer because of someone else's mental illness. Take care of yourself.

I agree with Molly---if she can go to Paris, she can live elsewhere. Get a social worker involved and get her out of your house. You don't have to cut her off completely and can still visit and help her with chores or whatever she needs, but you shouldn't have to live like this.

 

[MaraWentz]

My mother is the same exact way. Honestly, yo can't tell them the truth about their problem, then they get to cursing on going on their rant of how they're older and know better,and that we aren't above them and shouldn't be looking down on them, etc, etc. MY mom buys clothes everyday. You can't see the floor or her bed. Covered in clothes, her closet is over stuffed and she too has 2 huge dressers full of broken drawers from being over stuffed with drawers. Lsat week Iw ent over and had to walk ont op of clothes to get in and she is going through clothes on the bed and picks up a shirt with the price tag still on and says she bought it last MONTH and thought it was sooo cute, but never wore it, forma MONTH ago. Like, really, Ma?! If you guys are the same size I'd ask if she go through her clothes and give you any she didn't want- them keep them ro say they didn't fit right so you threw them out- that's what I did- I ended up getting some cute jeans, and throwing out 3 huge garbage bags of her clothes. While she is in Paris, go on Craigslist and pick up soe cheap or free dressers. cLean her room for her- she will feel guilty about messing it up again, so it wil stay clean for prob. around a month or two, and to keep it clean longer, go in every week and ask if she had any clothes to be washed, and if she says yes, grab anything not out it away- that way it's clean again, and put away the clean clothes for her. After the first or second time she will be highly embarrassed you're doing her clothes and putting them away. Also as an excuse for going through her room and cleaning it while she was gone for month, say you felt bad about pointing out the broken drawers and want to replace it for her. Trust me I have gone through this to, now she has moved onto to hoarding jewerly, instead of clothes, but it is much more easier to store 100 rings than 100 shirts.

 

[JerseyWendy]

Firstly you sound like an incredible strong person having to cope with this on a daily basis.

I am no psych major, sorry, nor will I be able to offer any professional advice. What I can and will tell you is this: You absolutely MUST take care of yourself. If you don't, your husband and pets will not only suffer, but YOU will. There is only so much you are capable of, and it sounds as if you've taken the right steps/paths by seeking professional help.

Your mom is your mom, and you only have this one mother, but you also only have one sanity. You are only human, and one can only expect you to take "so" much before flipping a switch.

I can't and won't tell you to just let mom go off to Paris - because God forbid something happens.

Talk it over with other family members as well. And if necessary, YOU go and talk to a counselor about YOUR life and what you are enduring.

Best of luck to you!

 

[aliray]

You have my sympathy. Can you get her to go to see her MD and go with her or call him and tell him what is going on . It sounds like besides being a horder she may also at her age be showing possible signs of dementia. the pacing all night as well as all the other behaviors points to her having a mental illness that you can't fix. Also while I think of it if her room is that bad she is in danger of tripping and falling plus it sounds like she may be creating a fire hazard . Do they have any senior center that you could get in touch with to see if there is any professional services available to help or put you in contact with any senior services that would have experience in these areas.`Ihad an uncle who was a hoarder and when he died there was no one else to except my husband and I to ake care of his final arrangements. He had died in the house and the rescue people had to go thru a window on the second floor to remove his body as all doors and entry ways were blocked solid with junk as was the floors up to the ceilings. He owned his home and refused any help from anybody so there was nothing any body could do. We even went to the town but they wouldn't do anything either. good luck to you

 

[BarkleyLoves]

You have my sympathy. Can you get her to go to see her MD and go with her or call him and tell him what is going on . It sounds like besides being a horder she may also at her age be showing possible signs of dementia. the pacing all night as well as all the other behaviors points to her having a mental illness that you can't fix. Also while I think of it if her room is that bad she is in danger of tripping and falling plus it sounds like she may be creating a fire hazard . Do they have any senior center that you could get in touch with to see if there is any professional services available to help or put you in contact with any senior services that would have experience in these areas.`Ihad an uncle who was a hoarder and when he died there was no one else to except my husband and I to ake care of his final arrangements. He had died in the house and the rescue people had to go thru a window on the second floor to remove his body as all doors and entry ways were blocked solid with junk as was the floors up to the ceilings. He owned his home and refused any help from anybody so there was nothing any body could do. We even went to the town but they wouldn't do anything either. good luck to you

I agree. Have you had her checked for any memory problems or other mental illnesses?

 

[Conuregirl]

thanks guys for your feedback and sympathy. last night i thought i had done the craziest thing posting my situation. it definately felt embarrassing. i was surprised there were people here that have known a hoarder. the parrotforums can really be cathartic for me. i have tried to get her to see a doctor and she totally backs out. she gets so pissed off for mentioning a doctor or if she has a problem. she told me the psychology i have studied and all the doctors i have known are all wrong lol. it can be such a disaster if i try to talk about this stuff.

i think i'll do what mara has suggested and clean her room when she leaves for her trip. in case you guys couldnt tell. my mother is a flake and a fake. her main concern is looking a certain way and traveling, being some jet setter lol. she thinks she is so worldly than me because she travels and buy more cheap trinkets.

 

[MaraWentz]

thanks guys for your feedback and sympathy. last night i thought i had done the craziest thing posting my situation. it definately felt embarrassing. i was surprised there were people here that have known a hoarder. the parrotforums can really be cathartic for me. i have tried to get her to see a doctor and she totally backs out. she gets so pissed off for mentioning a doctor or if she has a problem. she told me the psychology i have studied and all the doctors i have known are all wrong lol. it can be such a disaster if i try to talk about this stuff.

i think i'll do what mara has suggested and clean her room when she leaves for her trip. in case you guys couldnt tell. my mother is a flake and a fake. her main concern is looking a certain way and traveling, being some jet setter lol. she thinks she is so worldly than me because she travels and buy more cheap trinkets.

Can't chose your moms....

 

[suebee]

i work with the elderly an at your mothers age i do not think you are going to change her

cleaning her room while she is gone may be a good idea, but from how you have discribed her i can imagine her response too that and it can be very lasting

as mentioned before she needs not to live with you, she chooses to live this way, and see's no wrong in it, and is probably stressed because other ppl and you think its strange etc an if its a condition, making it worse, so she does it more out of compulsion, thus making you more grrrr

also if your mothers been like this all her life something could have triggered this behaviour off in her youth that she's never said

 

[Mayden]

Arg Sue, working with the elderly is a tough tough job. I used to help care for my grandparents and when he was in a home, visited him there too. Hats off to you for having endless patience as you certainly need it for that kind of work!

 

[coral3]

You're obviously a more patient & forgiving person than I am. I know you only get one mother, but there's no way on earth I could put up with her in my own home. The hoarding is one thing, but her not protecting you when you were a child...that, to me is a million times worse. I could not live with her, no way, no how.

Is there a reason why she needs to be living with you? Do you need her board money/rent to get by? Because if she can travel to Paris, and can afford travel & so many clothes etc then why can't she get her own place?

 

[ann]

have you tried staging an intervention? I'm sorry, i don't know much about this stuff, but i have had to help allot of friends through allot of problems. one of my friends parents are border line abusive and we have to hold her up. it takes allot of patients and strength to help people the way you are so my hat goes off to you. i would try telling getting a storage unit for her stuff. i have heard hoarding is a form of O.C.D, and they tell people with ocd to pick a certain time of day to concentrate on all of the impulses so they can hold them off for the rest of the day. you could get a storage unit for her stuff and she can visit it and try stuff on. you could have a "photo shoot" for her every now with her different outfits, and then so she can see what she looks like and look at the pictures instead of in the mirror. maybe she could record her feelings in a journal or try on different makeup since its easier to store than clothes. you are a very strong person and i will try to reflect your patience when my friends need help. stay strong!

 

[Conuregirl]

my mom is with me because i....help her get by. if she lived by herself, she might get hurt. when i was a teen, we lived in apartment condo on the top floor by the staircase. in the winter time when its below freezing, homeless people might sleep there. they find places in apartment buildings, basements, atm vestibules, and anything that could provide shelter. my mom wanted to invite homeless people into our home and i had to stop her. she will invite anyone into the home until now. my husband actually put some sense into her and told her never let anyone in.

she has a pension working for the gov and i think she is so naive that someone might try to steal her money. when i was still a child, around 7 or so, she let her "friends" borrow her credit cards and these people ruined her credit. all of our family and her friends know she is like this. if she wasnt with me, some kind of scammer would find her. she has been robbed and stolen from on multiple occassions from repair people, friends, religious groups, and random purse snatchers.

it truly is impossible to stop a "collector" because she goes to thrift shops, garage sales, and tons of discount stores. i read someone advised to take some stuff she offers to at least lessen the load of stuff. she does offer me a lot of stuff and i always so no because i dont want anything or for her to shop for me. i have tried to get her to use a storage unit but she cant part with it.

thanks for suggestions and comments. i can hardly tell people about this stuff since its just tragic. many professionals and others agree you cant change a person like this. i have to find a better way to live with her.

 

[sonja]

There are options out there that don't mean she has to live alone---she could go into some kind of group home or elder care or something where there are still people responsible for watching out for her.

Have you contacted her doctor, or a hoarding specialist to see what they suggest you do?

From my understanding on this subject, cleaning out her room while she is gone is going to make things much worse when she returns. I think it would be a good idea to talk to a professional for advice before doing this.

Good luck to you.