As OFF TOPIC as it can get - Question #1

[JerseyWendy]

I tend to be on the 'private' side when it comes to sharing personal things, however, I'm in quite a dilemma and would truly appreciate some input/opinions/thoughts.

More questions regarding this matter will likely follow. :54:

So. My oldest son (27) is getting married. This year. In September. :11:

I was born and raised in Germany, so a whole lot of these American traditions are leaving my jaw painfully wide open. His fiancé is doing all the planning, and boy, she's going by the 'books' (don't ask me what she's reading, but those books must have been written by Rockefeller himself) :54:

Ok, enough blabber. Here's my question:

As parents of the groom I understand we are 'responsible' for the rehearsal dinner (among other things). Does that mean that WE (my husband and I) get to pick the venue? Or do we 'just' merrily go along with wherever she wants to have this and keep our mouths shut and wallet open? :21:

 

[chris-md]

Congrats to your son and his future wife

Typically, no, you do not get to choose the venue unless you're in on the planning process. It's sort of a shut up and pay thing.

That said, If they are expecting you to pay for the entire venue, they Are obliged to respect whatever financial constraints you deem vital to your own interests. If you can't afford it and they are still insisting on the venue, they need to either pay for it themselves or accept an amount you ARE willing and able to provide and they make up the rest.

 

[Pinkbirdy]

Sorry ,but I think she gets a big say in this.

 

[itchyfeet]

We don't have rehearsal dinners as such as NZ, so this is an opinion only answer.

How much do you like the girl? Is she an absolute gem who'll fit the family like a proverbial glove? Or can she be a little manipulative in getting what she wants? Rhetorical questions, you don't have to share the answers if you don't want to.

If she's an absolute angel from the heavens above, keep quiet and the wallet open...one day, when she reflects - possibly as their own children get married, she may come to realise how much of a heartfelt gift her dream day was.

Of course, the other way to play it (and to be honest, the way I'd play it,) Is to say to her, "We are hosting this dinner for you, and it's our privilege to be able to do it". And genuinely take charge, setting the venue, invites etc.

Good Luck!

 

[Birdman666]

Yeah. Usually it's a sit down and talk about it while we are still in the early planning stages, and okay, here is your budget... pick your venue based on that... kind of discussion.

NOT...

BRIDEZILLA DEMANDS YOU TAKE OUT A SECOND MORTGAGE TO PAY FOR HER FANTASY EVENING...

Unless your last name is Kardashian, of course!!!

 

[JerseyWendy]

Thank you so much, Chris!!!

A bit more info (that might be helpful) : They (my son and his fiancé) are living in California. My son's active duty military. The wedding will be in Pennsylvania, an hour from us. She managed to find one of THE most expensive places around. :30:

LOVE LOVE LOVE what you said! Does that mean I have the 'right' to tell her: "Pick whatever place you like, but if the bill exceeds "$XYZ", you'll be paying the excess??

 

[chris-md]

Most assuredly yes Wendy!

 

[JerseyWendy]

Sorry ,but I think she gets a big say in this.

"She" meaning my husband and I, Terri?????????

We don't have rehearsal dinners as such as NZ, so this is an opinion only answer.

How much do you like the girl? Is she an absolute gem who'll fit the family like a proverbial glove? Or can she be a little manipulative in getting what she wants? Rhetorical questions, you don't have to share the answers if you don't want to.

If she's an absolute angel from the heavens above, keep quiet and the wallet open...one day, when she reflects - possibly as their own children get married, she may come to realise how much of a heartfelt gift her dream day was.

Of course, the other way to play it (and to be honest, the way I'd play it,) Is to say to her, "We are hosting this dinner for you, and it's our privilege to be able to do it". And genuinely take charge, setting the venue, invites etc.

Good Luck!

She is many things. A 'gem' isn't one of them. Try 'high maintenance', manipulative, princess.....etc. I'll stop there. :21: They've been together for 5 years (they met in college), and my husband has made her cry on more than one occasion. :54: No, we are not mean people, just down to earth.

Yeah. Usually it's a sit down and talk about it while we are still in the early planning stages, and okay, here is your budget... pick your venue based on that... kind of discussion.

NOT...

BRIDEZILLA DEMANDS YOU TAKE OUT A SECOND MORTGAGE TO PAY FOR HER FANTASY EVENING...

Unless your last name is Kardashian, of course!!!

Yup, Mark. Bridezilla Kardashian is a FITTING name!!!!!

 

[Birdman666]

Thank you so much, Chris!!!

A bit more info (that might be helpful) : They (my son and his fiancé) are living in California. My son's active duty military. The wedding will be in Pennsylvania, an hour from us. She managed to find one of THE most expensive places around. :30:

LOVE LOVE LOVE what you said! Does that mean I have the 'right' to tell her: "Pick whatever place you like, but if the bill exceeds "$XYZ", you'll be paying the excess??

Suggestion:

"I know this is your big day, but my husband and I simply cannot write you a blank check for this. Here is what we can reasonably afford to contribute to your rehersal dinner. The place you picked is likely to exceed that amount. We can have it at XXX or YYY or ZZZ and it would be within the budget. If you have it at AAAA, then I'm sorry but that is just more than we can afford, and if you really want to go that extravagant, we're going to have to ask you to contribute your fair share of to the cost of the rehearsal dinner. Which would be anything above the budget..."

If there's kicking and screaming involved, remind her that she is not two... and kindly suggest that the stress of all this wedding planning is getting to her.

Maybe get her a box set of the BRIDEZILLA series, and kindly suggest the producers MIGHT be interested in contributing to the cost of the rehearsal dinner if they could tape her doing her thing...

 

[gracebowen]

I would tell them your budget. I know its a wedding but its also just a few days. I honestly don't see why people spend so much money on a day. You can have nice on a budget.

When I got married I found some nice church type dresses for my bridesmaids and paid for them.

To me it makes more sense to spend more on honeymoon. You could offer to let them have any rehearsal dinner surplus for the honeymoon if they come in under budget.

Their used to be this show on TV rich bride poor bride. The poor brides still had a nice wedding. Not saying you're poor just that a nice wedding doesn't have to cost as much as a house.

I've seen rehearsal dinners everywhere from Golden Corral, Olive Garden, Red Lobster etc all the way up to 5 star restaurants.

I've even known a few to be held at the hosts house catered.

 

[Dinosrawr]

First, congrats to your son!

I agree with what everyone is saying so far about budget. My brother is getting married this weekend, and my mother gifted them money towards their wedding to use in whatever way they saw fit - but that was ALL they were getting from her (and it was a very large sum in my opinion). If they go over, they're paying the excess.

 

[JerseyWendy]

First, congrats to your son!

I agree with what everyone is saying so far about budget. My brother is getting married this weekend, and my mother gifted them money towards their wedding to use in whatever way they saw fit - but that was ALL they were getting from her (and it was a very large sum in my opinion). If they go over, they're paying the excess.

Chantal, thank you SO much for your input! MANY CONGRATS on your brother's upcoming nuptials!!!!

The circumstances between your brother's wedding and our son's sound familiar. We are also 'gifting' them a large lump sum. Well, QUITE large for us! They haven't received it just yet, but they will soon. And I've repeatedly told them both that they can utilize that money toward their wedding any way they wish.

So when 'she' called me last night and started talking 'Rehearsal Dinner', I was quite taken by surprise. You see, in addition to the large sum they'll be getting, I've been sending them 'a little' extra every month for the past several months. Just because I was able to. Out of the goodness of my heart, and unbeknown to my own husband (who wouldn't be happy about this).

When she became blunt enough to ask WHO would be receiving the bill for the rehearsal, I flat out told her: "Well, like I told you guys before, the money you'll be getting from us you can use for your wedding anyway you see fit. If you want to use part of that money for the rehearsal dinner, then do that." There was DEAD SILENCE. She then asked me if that meant they'll be presented with the bill.

Then I caved.

I told her: "Look, NO, we'll pay for the rehearsal, but please know that all the 'extra' you guys have been getting will now come to a screeching halt because we are not swimming in cash." I probably said too much when I told her she can't 'milk a dry cow'. :54:

This is much more stressful than I ever anticipated!!!

Thank you all so much for the feedback!!

 

[Peppo]

This all made me laugh! I will use this advice when I need it...I have a son too and I spend way too much on bird toys to afford an expensive rehearsal dinner! I will also gently remind the girl that my son will be inheriting Paco and he has a large toy budget that WILL come out of her shoe fetish.

 

[Kiwibird]

Seeing as you have already agreed to pay, I hope everything works out, that the cost doesn't get *too* out of control and that the rehearsal dinner is the last thing you'll need to pay for for them My parents haven't given me a dime since I moved in with Joe. No one paid for our wedding a couple years later (I guess Joe did, but we kept it simple and small).

I hope your son and future daughter in law realize just how *lucky* they are to have parents who can and will pay for a fancy rehearsal dinner ESPECIALLY after giving them additional money as a gift AND helping them out the past few months months, seeing as they are both 'fully fledged' adults (no bird pun intended). I know big weddings can be just as stressful for the families as they are the couple, but I hope they have a lovely day and a lifetime of happiness together

 

[itchyfeet]

You're FAR more polite than I would have been!
Which means I wonder if I'm shaping up to be a rather difficult mother in law lol...Ah well, the kids are only 5 & 7... time is on my side...

 

[Allee]

Wendy, I so feel for you and Alex! Such a happy occasion, who knew the wedding plans could cause so much stress for everyone involved? Please beware of the avalanche effect. When our oldest son announced his plans to marry, his father and I offered to pay for the reception dinner. Ouch, the meal and venue was a bit extravagant but as the plans progressed, several other costs were added to our list, tuxedo rentals for the groomsmen and best man, the limo, the groom's cake, half the bill for the open bar, half the cost of the musicians. We finally had to say, mercy, that's it, that's all we can do. It would be a shame if future grandchildren had to visit all four grandparents at a homeless shelter.

On a happier note, our bridezilla has been a member of our family for five years and I think for the most part, we've forgiven her for her temporary insanity. I admit I still cringe a little when I dust the wedding photos, but we've forgotten how much we hated her in the months before the wedding.

You, Alex and the groom's brother will survive the wedding and still be family.

 

[Flboy]

Bridezilla!......

 

[Doublete]

Oh wow Wendy.


I would definitely have the conversation.

"I am sorry that there seems to be a misunderstanding and I am truly so happy for you two and to help you celebrate your big day, BUT... The money I am gifting you should be used towards the costs. As for the rehearsal dinner, seeing as I have sent you xyz over the past few months, I do need to set a budget for you. Maybe I can help you go over some local venues that will give you the same experience, but maybe allow you two to use some of my gift towards an extravagant honeymoon? I would be more than happy to check things out for you since you are so far away and help you with the budget".


And yes, this is a time for ass kissing Wendy. I suspect your son may be very stubborn and strong minded, and if you annoy his wife to be, he will not be happy. Make nice and manipulate her (nicely) into budgeting a little better.


And now, can I be the fly on the wall for all this?!?!?

 

[Christinenc2000]

This is how I would handle it.

Here is what you are budged and have fun kids . Do what you feel is right. Then they can say we had a great time at Burger King . JK

Most here actually hold as much as they can at Friends / relatives County Clubs

Talk with your son . As long as he is happy that is what matters. Let him deal with her.

 

[Surfincr]

So i just got married last October but my wife and i were very flexible with everything. but my mother decided on where the rehearsal was and we were fine with it.

what i will say she did that worked out really well was she called the restaurant ahead of time and worked with their planner to setup what appetizers would be served and then picked 3 meal choices for everyone to pick. this gave them a set cost and kept the cost down instead of everyone ordering whatever they wanted. second thing is they gave my mother a choice of open bar or guests buy their own. if you want to keep costs down and people more sober so they can drive home go with the latter option which happens to be cheaper as well.