Reconciling choices

[NikiBA]

Last Friday, we lost our beloved little Lima as she underwent an ultrasound at a university veterinary school clinic. My devastation is beyond words; I haven’t felt like this since my grandmothers passed when I was in college, 20 years ago. My husband and I do not have (human) kids, and I had no idea the depth of my connection with Lima until I felt her loss looming. To make a long story short, she had a ballooning respiratory issue that our local vet couldn’t treat because he doesn’t have the technology. He believed it was originating in her crop, which wasn’t retracting (it was like a little open sac). He referred us to the university for a CT scan. Over the course of about 10 days, Lima’s nares shrunk until they were smaller than a budgie’s, and she would sneeze liquid, sometimes plugging the nare completely. I had her on a nebulizer until we got to the university, a 4.5 hour drive from our home. I was terrified. To cut the story again, I did not have a good sense of trust in the intern we were assigned to. She was frequently confused (confusing my name with Lima’s among many other changes and little lapses) during the 36 hours or so that I worked with her. She seemed more tuned into her “plan” than on listening to what was going on. Lima stayed over at the clinic and I had a hotel. The staff overall seemed to be taking good care of her but when they brought her out to visit, she leapt towards me and was clearly wanting to be with me….scared and alone in the clinic. I had been warned about the dangers of using anesthesia on a parrot. When the time came for her procedure, she was sedated. The intern called me about 10 minutes into it saying they weren’t able to empty her crop during sedation, and did I want to proceed with the anesthesia for the ultrasound? I said yes. With every fiber of my being I wish I would have said no, and pulled my little one out of there at that moment. Five minutes later I got a call that Lima wasn’t responding well to the anesthetic, and did they have permission to start CPR? Yes of course. I ran into the clinic and begged for someone to let me back there, I knew she needed to hear my voice. The kind helper at the front door did her very best to help me, taking me into the back hallways and searching. I got another call in five minutes that the CPR wasn’t working, the head of the department was in the room and did I want to continue for 5 more minutes, the last option? Of course I said yes. At that point I was pacing at the entryway to the maze of rooms and hallways. I saw the department head running down a hall AFTER I got that call. Probably less than two minutes later I got a call that Lima had passed. I am beyond gone at that point.

I am here in the forums because I need to process this. I am angry with myself for leaving her there after I began to feel discomfort, leaving her in fear in a cold environment with people she did not know. I am angry I didn’t slow down the process. I am furious at the intern and facility overall, whether justified or not. Was it more or less dangerous to use the anesthetic when her crop was full? Was it my responsibility to ask that question at the moment? On the phone, the intern’s main concern was that it would cloud the results. Did I do the right or wrong thing? Most of all, my heart is broken and the void I feel is immense. I know Lima is in a good place. We thought we would have her in our lives for many more years. It is a different sadness than when someone dies naturally from age; I feel I somehow had a hand in this, and I am tormented.

 

[wrench13]

Be at peace. At the very least you did all humanly possible to have modern veterinary medicine help. And she passed knowing you were helping. Its better then having your parrot just pass with no notice or warning, as many of us on here have. Lima, will see you again someday.

 

[LaManuka]

Last Friday, we lost our beloved little Lima as she underwent an ultrasound at a university veterinary school clinic. My devastation is beyond words; I haven’t felt like this since my grandmothers passed when I was in college, 20 years ago. My husband and I do not have (human) kids, and I had no idea the depth of my connection with Lima until I felt her loss looming. To make a long story short, she had a ballooning respiratory issue that our local vet couldn’t treat because he doesn’t have the technology. He believed it was originating in her crop, which wasn’t retracting (it was like a little open sac). He referred us to the university for a CT scan. Over the course of about 10 days, Lima’s nares shrunk until they were smaller than a budgie’s, and she would sneeze liquid, sometimes plugging the nare completely. I had her on a nebulizer until we got to the university, a 4.5 hour drive from our home. I was terrified. To cut the story again, I did not have a good sense of trust in the intern we were assigned to. She was frequently confused (confusing my name with Lima’s among many other changes and little lapses) during the 36 hours or so that I worked with her. She seemed more tuned into her “plan” than on listening to what was going on. Lima stayed over at the clinic and I had a hotel. The staff overall seemed to be taking good care of her but when they brought her out to visit, she leapt towards me and was clearly wanting to be with me….scared and alone in the clinic. I had been warned about the dangers of using anesthesia on a parrot. When the time came for her procedure, she was sedated. The intern called me about 10 minutes into it saying they weren’t able to empty her crop during sedation, and did I want to proceed with the anesthesia for the ultrasound? I said yes. With every fiber of my being I wish I would have said no, and pulled my little one out of there at that moment. Five minutes later I got a call that Lima wasn’t responding well to the anesthetic, and did they have permission to start CPR? Yes of course. I ran into the clinic and begged for someone to let me back there, I knew she needed to hear my voice. The kind helper at the front door did her very best to help me, taking me into the back hallways and searching. I got another call in five minutes that the CPR wasn’t working, the head of the department was in the room and did I want to continue for 5 more minutes, the last option? Of course I said yes. At that point I was pacing at the entryway to the maze of rooms and hallways. I saw the department head running down a hall AFTER I got that call. Probably less than two minutes later I got a call that Lima had passed. I am beyond gone at that point.

I am here in the forums because I need to process this. I am angry with myself for leaving her there after I began to feel discomfort, leaving her in fear in a cold environment with people she did not know. I am angry I didn’t slow down the process. I am furious at the intern and facility overall, whether justified or not. Was it more or less dangerous to use the anesthetic when her crop was full? Was it my responsibility to ask that question at the moment? On the phone, the intern’s main concern was that it would cloud the results. Did I do the right or wrong thing? Most of all, my heart is broken and the void I feel is immense. I know Lima is in a good place. We thought we would have her in our lives for many more years. It is a different sadness than when someone dies naturally from age; I feel I somehow had a hand in this, and I am tormented.

I'm so sorry for the terrible circumstances surrounding the loss of your precious Lima, @NikiBA. I lost a "heart" bird under not dissimilar circumstances, a little purple-crowned lorikeet called Lilly, she's the one pictured in my avatar. She was undergoing surgery because of the combined effects of chronic egg laying and kidney failure, the latter of which would have ultimately ended her life because no matter what we tried her kidneys just kept getting worse. I was given the option of surgery to try to flush out her kidneys while she was still, in my vet's opinion, a fairly healthy bird, rather than leaving it until she was much sicker because by then it would've been too late. I agreed to the procedure, having every faith in my bird vet because he was one of the very best in this country, if not the world, but my baby girl suffered heart arrhythmia during surgery and although he closed her up and got her into recovery as quickly as he could, her heart failed and he could not save her. This all happened in January 2022 and it devastated me and I'm crying writing about it even now.

Please do not beat yourself up over the choices you made for Lima, for like my Lilly they were made out of love and your desire to save her and make her well. Over time it has helped me to believe that, no matter what we might do, the length of their lives are already mapped out before we even get them, and there's nothing we can do to change that. Your Lima knew a lifetime of love in your care and knew exactly how much you adored and cherished her and she still does, and this is a precious gift that I wish every pet bird could experience, because sadly some don't. But I do understand how deeply this loss hurts, @NikiBA, and I send you my most heartfelt condolences at this most terrible time. You will see your girl again one day, as I will my Lilly Pilly, at the Bridge

 

[NikiBA]

Be at peace. At the very least you did all humanly possible to have modern veterinary medicine help. And she passed knowing you were helping. Its better then having your parrot just pass with no notice or warning, as many of us on here have. Lima, will see you again someday.

Thank you for this, I do believe in the mystery of it all it just hurts like everything. She passed on Friday, Saturday I could hear her saying between every beat in every song I listened to “Woo hoo?” “You who?”. Sunday I couldn’t hear her at all, today she is whispering in my ear “Sweet sweet, sweet sweet”. I have to believe she’s there with my Grandma and they are whistling and smiling and waiting. There is a song by Robbie Robertson, Twisted Hair, which I have listened to a few times between Friday and now, that reminds me of the poem in the Words of the Comfort post at the beginning of this forum. “Listen,” it goes, “I am dancing underneath you.”

 

[NikiBA]

I'm so sorry for the terrible circumstances surrounding the loss of your precious Lima, @NikiBA. I lost a "heart" bird under not dissimilar circumstances, a little purple-crowned lorikeet called Lilly, she's the one pictured in my avatar. She was undergoing surgery because of the combined effects of chronic egg laying and kidney failure, the latter of which would have ultimately ended her life because no matter what we tried her kidneys just kept getting worse. I was given the option of surgery to try to flush out her kidneys while she was still, in my vet's opinion, a fairly healthy bird, rather than leaving it until she was much sicker because by then it would've been too late. I agreed to the procedure, having every faith in my bird vet because he was one of the very best in this country, if not the world, but my baby girl suffered heart arrhythmia during surgery and although he closed her up and got her into recovery as quickly as he could, her heart failed and he could not save her. This all happened in January 2022 and it devastated me and I'm crying writing about it even now.

Please do not beat yourself up over the choices you made for Lima, for like my Lilly they were made out of love and your desire to save her and make her well. Over time it has helped me to believe that, no matter what we might do, the length of their lives are already mapped out before we even get them, and there's nothing we can do to change that. Your Lima knew a lifetime of love in your care and knew exactly how much you adored and cherished her and she still does, and this is a precious gift that I wish every pet bird could experience, because sadly some don't. But I do understand how deeply this loss hurts, @NikiBA, and I send you my most heartfelt condolences at this most terrible time. You will see your girl again one day, as I will my Lilly Pilly, at the Bridge

I'm so sorry for the terrible circumstances surrounding the loss of your precious Lima, @NikiBA. I lost a "heart" bird under not dissimilar circumstances, a little purple-crowned lorikeet called Lilly, she's the one pictured in my avatar. She was undergoing surgery because of the combined effects of chronic egg laying and kidney failure, the latter of which would have ultimately ended her life because no matter what we tried her kidneys just kept getting worse. I was given the option of surgery to try to flush out her kidneys while she was still, in my vet's opinion, a fairly healthy bird, rather than leaving it until she was much sicker because by then it would've been too late. I agreed to the procedure, having every faith in my bird vet because he was one of the very best in this country, if not the world, but my baby girl suffered heart arrhythmia during surgery and although he closed her up and got her into recovery as quickly as he could, her heart failed and he could not save her. This all happened in January 2022 and it devastated me and I'm crying writing about it even now.

Please do not beat yourself up over the choices you made for Lima, for like my Lilly they were made out of love and your desire to save her and make her well. Over time it has helped me to believe that, no matter what we might do, the length of their lives are already mapped out before we even get them, and there's nothing we can do to change that. Your Lima knew a lifetime of love in your care and knew exactly how much you adored and cherished her and she still does, and this is a precious gift that I wish every pet bird could experience, because sadly some don't. But I do understand how deeply this loss hurts, @NikiBA, and I send you my most heartfelt condolences at this most terrible time. You will see your girl again one day, as I will my Lilly Pilly, at the Bridge

Thank you….I don’t know if I’m quite ready to accept that it was mapped out. Maybe one day soon….I’m still looking back at the whole summer, wondering what I could have done sooner. I love hearing about your Lilly, and you are right, it is a very special gift and I’m glad it is in my life, as awful as it is right now. I had started telling Lima about a couple years ago that she was my most special thing, how lucky I felt to have her, I told her she was the most precious thing in my life. And I really believed it. How she loved to sleep on my chest and how I loved to hold her. I would have gone to the ends of the earth for her. Thank you LaManuka, for being here.