need help, guidance for my girl Kali

[Kentuckienne]

This is a good poem to share right now. I wish I had written it.

A BIRDS LIFE

I sat in a cage in a busy pet store.
Whose employees saw me as just one more chore.
I was bought by a family and brought to their home.
They played with me daily I was never alone.
Then came the baby and mommies too tired.
No time for the birdie, and daddy got fired.
For a time I can handle it, for it couldn't last?
Then out of the blue, came a traumatic blast.
I was torn from my home, I was given away.
Take care of the birdie was all they could say.
My new home is scary, in time I'd adjust.
But it didn't last long enough, my hopes were a bust.
And so I was sold to someone with kids.
But they left for college, now I'm up for bids.
I had new owners, who were husband and wife.
They yell and they scream and I fear for my life.
Then one day it happened, the mean one hit me.
This is exactly how I feared things would be.
I tried to be quiet and I tried to be good.
I hoped they would treat me the way that they should.
No longer that trusting, I'm afraid can't you see.
I bit into the hand of the one who hurt me.
Another new place where I just want to die.
They want me to breed, but why should I try.
This is my life, I'm a throwaway bird.
Our numbers are many as I'm sure you have heard.
I'd tell you my name, but that’s way in the past.
It's been 20 long years since I heard it last.
I'm at the end of my life, too young you may say.
But my journey was hard; I'm too broken to stay.

I wrote this poem in loving memory of all the birds that have lived and died the life of a throwaway bird. - Alison Schofield

 

[yellowtang]

thank you K,

that poem is all that I fear, and I fear all that because it's true.. not everyone or every situation turns out that way, I sure as hell hope not anyways but too often it does..

also I never took your reply as thinking my relationship had issues but we're having a conversation that deals with emotions, family and I felt it was important to explain in order to have a better idea where to go or what the solutions might be..
in a case where the family is always fighting, arguing, yelling or to the point of separation.. the answer might be deeper, and easy at the same time, pack up and leave, or council with professional help.. but it's not the case and felt I should explain that. :-D

I'm at the crossroad where, I think when that couple gets back to me I may ask them to wait or simply give them back their deposit, which I didn't want in the first place because it scared me.. they insisted and I understand their view too, they wanted to make sure they would get her and maybe at the same time, poke me in the direction of letting her go.. A point I clearly said that I could change my mind when the time comes.. but they are very nice and I did get a good vibe meeting them both times, her boyfriend even managed to handle her a little..

I read all of your other post too, don't want to take too much or everyone's time with another long post.. but much of what you said is right and almost all things I've already been doing..

Kali have a nice quilted cover and she's always super quiet when it's bed time, up until she ears the first person up.. then starts with the hello, cuckoo, name calling and so on but if ignored too long she gets louder and it's normal too..
I already get her breakfast and daytime dishes ready before leaving for work, re-fill when I get home.. then when my wife gets up, she'll take the cover off, or wait longer if she wants peace and quiet a while longer.. that part is ok and no need to have her sleep downstairs..
I had a fair size carry cage that I had set up down there for when they had enough and wanted her elsewhere if too noisy.. but the plan was to take her down there for a short period and then bring her back up once she's calm.. a few time my wife took her down but forgot to bring her back up before leaving for work !!! no big deal as she had food and water and it's comfortable down there.. still it p### me off.. then my son would bring her down and would take the cage and place it in the laundry room where it's not heated.... where the s##t hit the fan is the day I came home from work and he had her in there since 11 before he left for school, with the lights off.... can't even write here how mad I was.. lets just say I had a serious talk with the ones involved.. wife too since she left her there when she got home.. anyhow I've since dismantled that cage so NO ONE can take her down anymore.. told them , put the cover on her cage, worst case if they forget to remove it, it's not that dark in the day time, she has food, water, her toys and swing and warmth.. and now that works and never had issues like that again..

She did try to teach her tricks at first, even taught her a few words... when we do have company over, Kali is great.. after about 30 mins she'll chit chat and be funny, everyone loves her and say how amazing she is,, that's usually my wife's cue to say how much she hates her arrgggg..

I don't want to ramble your ears off too long LOL everyone has been helpful in helping me try to figure things out so I can keep her.. I'm going to try and have my wife physically take Kali out of her cage and bring her in the living room.. might clip her wings a little so she depends on her more and not be as independent.. I kept her fully winged because of the dog, he want to play with her, not that I would 100% trust him with her, but I don't think he would hurt her, he's a exceptional dog.. the few times she did tired out and landed where she couldn't get back up.. all he did was position himself over her to keep her from leaving.. still can't trust him 100% he might step on her by mistake or she could hurt him too..
ohh as for my dog, must say that I now enjoy the walks, even if my son's do go for a walk.. my dog is so conditioned that I walk him Am and Pm that he will literally come up to me, take my hand and delicately pull me to take him out once I get up he rushes to his harness and waits for me there.. like that's not enough, Kali knows this and says bye bye see you later as we walk out... how can anyone not love that

I need to figure this out somehow, no part of me wants to see kali go, the only thing is me trying to satisfy everyone in my family ..
as you also mentioned going to the vet once a year or even getting to see her once in a while, the couple even offered I could babysit when or if they travel.. but that would be hard on me and her I would think.

I've been reading about transitions in new homes and/or when people go away on long trips ( which I never do)
wonder how gradual change would work if I have to let her go..
take her there for a few weekends, then maybe a week and back to see how she would react and adapt ??? maybe they would be ok with that approach?? I'm not but if that's how it ends.. maybe that could work out best so kali gets to know them and not just show up there one day and never see me again.. still this is last resort..

steph

 

[AmyMyBlueFront]

This is heart breaking:31: We are all here to listen to you Steph. Don't ever feel you are imposing on us,we all need to vent from time to time.

I'm sure your situation is not unique,but it is to YOU and all concerned here.

I think most everyone will agree with me. We are here to listen,to offer advice,sympathy and understanding.

Don't give up..."fight the good fight"...there has to be an amlicable resolution here!

Keep us posted PLEASE!



Jim

 

[Kentuckienne]

Just one question for you tonight. It's not just about keeping everyone else happy ... you have to keep YOU happy, too. Life is very short. Your kids will grow up and move on, and with more space in the house it might be easier to set up a better space for Kali.

I lived for a while in a part of the world where men were allowed to have several wives, but they had to treat them all the same. Same quality living space, clothing, food ... and of course it wasn't exactly the same and I don't mean to defend the practice. But maybe you can have two wives, one parrot and one human? I believe you already show Kali all the love she needs ... do you think your wife can tell you what she needs? In a perfect world, what would have to change for her to think it was OK for Kali to stay? And then how can you get closer to that?

It's not just about will Kali have a good future or not. We can't know the future. I have a step-grand-daughter who had got out of a neglectful, borderline abusive situation and was living with an aunt's family in another state. She had her own room, and was really starting to blossom. Then her mom guilt-tripped her into coming home to help out with the younger siblings. We tried to talk her out of it to no avail, and worried that she was throwing a good chance away. The next week, a bunch of her best friends were at a slumber party, one that she would have attended if she'd stayed in town. A kid from the high school sneaked the keys to his dad's sports car and came by and talked a big bunch of the girls into going for a ride. She would have almost certainly been one of them because she hated to be left out. The boy crashed the car into a tree killing all of them. Here we thought she was throwing her happiness away, when if she'd done as we all thought best she might have been killed.

You can't know the future. The young couple could turn out to be terrible, or you could keep Kali and your house might burn down tomorrow with her in it.

We can make our choices by moving away from something we fear, or by moving toward something we love. Right now your choices seem to be framed in terms of fear. If Kali doesn't go, the wife will be angry, the kids will be upset, if Kali goes she mighty suffer ... those choices just pit one unhappy fear against the other. Picking the lesser of two evils is suboptimal.

Are there some positive choices? What if you keep Kali, and maybe there are a couple of rocky years, but you shower love on Kali, you shower love on your wife, everyone does what they have to do to get through the rough patch ... and then one day there are a couple of old people with their old parrot, living in harmony. How rare is that? How enviable! And when something happens to one of you .. as it must .. the other two will comfort one another and keep the memories alive. It could be good.

I hope that you guys will find a way for Kali to stay. Whatever happens, don't choose because you are forced or because you are afraid. Choose the path that has the most light and love. Pretend you are a neutral observer, and advise yourself. You are harder on yourself than anyone else would be. Whatever happens, if it happens with love and good will, it will be well done.

Take your time and slow down. Don't let Kali go until you feel in your heart that it's the right thing to do. And it will be good.

 

[Tami2]

This is a good poem to share right now. I wish I had written it.

A BIRDS LIFE

I sat in a cage in a busy pet store.
Whose employees saw me as just one more chore.
I was bought by a family and brought to their home.
They played with me daily I was never alone.
Then came the baby and mommies too tired.
No time for the birdie, and daddy got fired.
For a time I can handle it, for it couldn't last?
Then out of the blue, came a traumatic blast.
I was torn from my home, I was given away.
Take care of the birdie was all they could say.
My new home is scary, in time I'd adjust.
But it didn't last long enough, my hopes were a bust.
And so I was sold to someone with kids.
But they left for college, now I'm up for bids.
I had new owners, who were husband and wife.
They yell and they scream and I fear for my life.
Then one day it happened, the mean one hit me.
This is exactly how I feared things would be.
I tried to be quiet and I tried to be good.
I hoped they would treat me the way that they should.
No longer that trusting, I'm afraid can't you see.
I bit into the hand of the one who hurt me.
Another new place where I just want to die.
They want me to breed, but why should I try.
This is my life, I'm a throwaway bird.
Our numbers are many as I'm sure you have heard.
I'd tell you my name, but that’s way in the past.
It's been 20 long years since I heard it last.
I'm at the end of my life, too young you may say.
But my journey was hard; I'm too broken to stay.

I wrote this poem in loving memory of all the birds that have lived and died the life of a throwaway bird. - Alison Schofield

Oh my goodness, how sad & how true.
:smile003::smile014::smile016:

 

[yellowtang]

Thanks K,

I do try and give lots of attention to my wife, I spend more time watching her favorite shows.. when I got home last night, Kali's cage didn't have the cover on it and Kali was fairly quiet too.. I had asked her on the phone earlier if she could get her to step up and bring her in the living room with her.. well she didn't but it's a step better than having the cover on her I guess..
both my son and my wife would open her cage before ( while back now) so Kali would either be in the dining room or living room.. either spot, kali would fly to me and greet me the second I walked in it's fun,,, but you can imagine the comments from my wife !!! saying I give her attention first ... so that might be a sub conscience reason why she doesn't let her out anymore ??? would make sense
oddly, I got the same reaction from her now with the dog, he runs up to me tail waging because he wants attention and his walk when I get home..
this time with more humor to it, but she still pointed out how I give him lots of attention..
so having a good sense of humor myself, told her that if she would get up, run to the door to greet me with that much attention seeking waging her tail, ( didn't say tail) LOL she would get the same.. she did laugh LOL

on a brighter note, for the first time last night she realised that I don't want to see her go and that she might be staying.. didn't say anything other than "you want to keep her don't you""
been trying to find ways to avoid Kali annoying her.. at the same time trying to convince my wife to handle her more, help build a bond between them.she says that kali bit her and that's why she refuses.. but I told her that she bit you because you wanted to force her downstairs, where she knew she would stay all day alone.. and again, she didn't contradict that point!!!!

maybe this will work out..
sure hope so.. might be a combination of realizing just what she's asking me to do, her job being less stressful and the meds keeping her in a happy place..

 

[Kentuckienne]

Ah, then you need the "why parrots bite" talk.

 

[Squeekmouse]

Yellowtang,

Speaking as a woman with her own insecurity and depression issues... I HAVE to say that when your wife said "You want to keep it, don't you?" What she WANTED to hear was for you to say "No dear, I want you to be happy more than I care for anything else" .. BUT I have to say that it is a dangerous and downward path if you were to say that.

First, because nobody should ever be waiting for some event or action to happen in order for them to be happy. A wise man once said "If you are not happy at this moment, for what moment are you waiting?" meaning that if you wait for a moment, you will ALWAYS be waiting and never be happy. Your wife needs to work through these insecurities and find her happiness and love within herself and with your help, but NOT at the expense of YOUR happiness and love.

Second, because if you give up Kali to make her happy, then she will continue to ask you to give up other things to make her happy and that will only lead to both of you being unhappy.

Third, Kali is NOT a peice of furniture. She's not really even a PET, she's a thinking, feeling, loving creature who has been a part of your life for nearly EIGHT long years. It's CRUEL to her and CRUEL to you for her to insist that this beautiful Companion be ripped away from her FAMILY. It would be different if this were some serious physical health problem, or some other catastriphic and unavoidable event.

Please consider this.... Please help your wife to understand this. My hopes and prayers are with you and your family, including the feathered family member. I hope it all works out for you all. Good luck!

 

[Kentuckienne]

You know, I'm thinking ... for her to say "you want to keep her, don't you" means she really doesn't grok the nature of the bond. She's thinking, maybe, of a bird as less emotional and interactive than a cat or dog because it isn't as touch-oriented. Birds fly, and they connect to the flock through their minds, not their bodies. She may not have a sense of the depth of the connection between human and parrot.

Have you got a copy of "Alex and Me", the story of Alex the parrot and Dr. Irene Pepperberg? I thought it did well at illustrating the intelligence and emotional depth of parrots. Might help her understand. I will lend you a copy if you need, it's cheap on Amazon now. I cried like a baby when I got to the part where Alex died, even though I knew he had been gone for years.

Don't know the best way to explain your feelings for Kali...if you are a person who is better at writing than talking, maybe you could write her a letter. She knows you are taking her seriously now, because you made the start, and so may be a bit more open to seeing your side of it.

It is an interesting problem, and I'm curious to see how you guys figure it out. I hope it is in some delightful and enlightening way.

 

[yellowtang]

thank you both again for you time

It had crossed my mind that what she really wanted to ear was exactly what you said Sqeek.. but di not want to even try and go there, for the exact reasons you are thinking about.. I preferred to see it as finally understanding me..
I have given up other hobbies in the past, always had salt water reef tanks and had some extremely nice ones too.. but work and time spent caring for it, I finally gave it up after 25++years, was into radio controlled planes and helicopters for almost 15 years.. gave that up too even with me only going on weekends when she worked or a few hours near by instead of with all the others at the field.. would go before she got up.. but in the end sold all my equipment still miss it, was relaxing for me..

so we got a parrot but we all know how that turned out..but Kali was always out of the question.. still don't know why I caved in this time, probably because of the doctor and the meds, that got me to think it over too much and look for the easy fix ??

I had translated most of the Alex story to her, we're French and she doesn't read or speak it that much.. I also was touched at the end with his last words I go back and read about it often..

so far my new strategy is to try and get her to handle Kali if possible, trying to keep her occupied more too so she's quiet and doesn't scream..( talking about Kali here) LOL. put her back in her cage if I have to go out or out of her sight for too long..

so far, no news from that couple, maybe they won't have the $$ by the end of the month ?? might be a sign if that happens.. by then, I might just give them the deposit back..
all your kind words are extremely helpful , much clearer to me how big of a mistake this can be, I knew it was but , when I think about not seeing her anymore..
just last night, watching TV, she's in her rope crawler, making her feathers all nice and she sees me looking at her and then makes this cute little sound she does puts her little leg up and scratches her own neck telling me to get up and scratch her..

thanks again

Steph

 

[GaleriaGila]

I love this place.
I'm late to this thread... sorry.
What a beautiful outpouring of love, understanding, support and CARE.

May I tell my story? Maybe there are some elements of thought and hope that may be of interest.
My story...
I got him in 1984. I was fearing getting evicted due to his noise, and my family at the time HATED him. I recall struggling to make a decision, sitting on the floor of my townhouse, watching him race and skip and frolic around on the tile floor, and then run to me GRINNING, so proud to be showing off for me. I would just stare at him and be amazed: imagine --- a real parrot in my house, and it loved me! I felt so guilty and inadequate and afraid at one point that I had him in his travel cage and was planning to take him back to the bird store. I opened the front door and couldn't go through. Closed it. Sat down. Took my little love out and promised him we would stay together.
I didn't really believe it, but I wanted to. Eventually, I did. I was in college back then, and at least I could spend a lot of time with him.
Then there were were years (about 25 of them) when 5-6 days a week, I was gone at 7:30-ish and back at 6-ish.
Some did and will consider me wrong and think I should have re-homed him. My husband at that time detested the bird. My current ol' man tolerates him with good humor. No, the bird wasn't responsible for the first marriage's ending!
Anyway, here is what I think made it work.
I moved and got new jobs maybe 5 times or so. BUT...
Every morning, he had at least ten minutes, and every evening, he had 20 or so. I have always kept him on a natural light schedule, in a separate room, so sometimes those times together were in the dark. During the day, he had a big window looking out on something interesting, a television on one of his favorite channels (Music channels, CNN - he loves talking heads), a biggg cage, lots of fun foods, and a few toys that I changed out regularly).
He KNEW he could count on those two crummy sessions a day. Somehow we both made it.
I'm now retired and times are good again. Side-note... when I first started being able to spend much more time, he was strangely aggressive and jumpy. Eventually we settled down.
I don't know if I am doing a service or a dis-service in even suggesting you keep your bird. I do know I can't imagine life without mine at this point.
Good luck to you in making a decision. And welcome to the Forum... you'll get lots of empathy and advice here. No judgment. WE GET IT, and we're here for you.

 

[Squeekmouse]

Yellowtang,
I NEVER would have guessed that you were French, your english is excellent! I'm glad you saw what I saw in what your wife said. I'm SO glad you are working to help your wife see how you feel about all of this. Good luck, whatever happens. Keep us posted. We'll all be here to cheer you on or cheer you up, whichever way it goes.

GaleriaGila,
Your story is SO sweet, so touching. Thank you for sharing it! I totally identify with how you find yourself amazed that there's a real parrot in your house and it loves you. At least 5 times a day I am holding my little Yoda in my hands scratching him or just holding him and I get hit with that realization when I suddenly see him with fresh eyes and I think "THIS is a little PARROT! It's nested in MY hands! ...and he LOVES me! He looks at me and he sees safety, warmth, home, FAMILY!" It's such an incredible gift we have, all of us who have a feathered companion in our homes. Even when Yoda is desperately trying to attack and destroy my keyboard, or yelling for attention, or telling me he is thirsty by biting at my chin when I am drinking a glass of water... I might get exasperated but I stop myself and remember how precious and wonderful it is to have him.

I love being able to share this wonder with all of you on these forums, and hear my own thoughts and feelings echo back to me when I read posts from all of you that ring so familiar to my own experiences, fears, joys, and trials.

Thanks!

 

[Kentuckienne]

I am much encouraged for all three of you. It was a big deal for your wife to say that ... she didn't say "why is this so important to you" she said that she SAW that it was important to you. When two people truly see one another, and acknowledge one another's pain, it's validating. It tells you that yes, someone sees how important Kali is to you and it tells your wife that yes, someone sees how unhappy she feels sometimes. There is something about being seen that changes things, don't you think? We spend so much energy trying to make ourselves seen and heard that we can't talk about the issues. Once we realize the other is seeing, and listening, it brings a little bit of release of tension. It brings more trust, and when there is trust there is a good prospect of finding a way forward.

There were two profound ways the Alex book affected me. It made me so interested in him, and so impressed with his intelligence and personality, that when I read about his death is was almost a visceral blow. I cried, and then wrote to Dr. Pepperberg thanking her for making me cry, because the crying was the price of insight into this other mind.

I have lost a parrot before, and I know what heartbreak, what grief it is. I had no idea how profound the pain would be or how long it would last. It's the memory of this pain that makes me write to say wait, wait, keep Kali a bit, see if there is some way. Because the bond we have with these creatures is way out of proportion with their size. How can such a tiny being make such a huge hole in our hearts? But, as Lin Manual said, love is love is love.

And that was the second gift of Alex's book, the insight into how much he, how much all parrots like him, are like us. Before Alex, most scientists thought parrots lacked the mental powers of humans because they lacked the brain structure. A parrot doesn't have a large prefrontal cortex, so it can't think. Through Alex and Dr. Pepperberg's work - she always referred to him as her colleague, not her pet or research subject - researchers had to accept that Alex was doing things he should not have been able to do with a brain the size of a walnut. That lead to more research showing that birds have different brain structures than we do, but that different areas have evolved to do the same kind of tasks our brains do. It turns out they are capable of reasoning, of memory, of understanding object permanence, of counting, of labeling things with words. All these tasks that human had reserved for themselves as the crown of creation were being done by a pound of gray feathers with a tiny brain. It proved that we are not separate from the rest of creation, that there are many sentient beings on this planet who are not that different from us. Humans aren't so unique, so special, so not like other animals. We may have a special place in the world, but we are not better than the world. We are not separated from it.

Kali may be a tiny ball of gray floof, but she has a mind. She sees, she thinks, she reasons, she feels. She doesn't look at either of you as masters to worship. She accepts you as her equals, her flock mates. She won't ever be as obedient as a dog because she hasn't been bred for thousands of years to want to please humans. She has been bred for thousands of years to fly free, to live as an equal member of a flock, to think for herself, and your relationship can never be that of master and pet. It is one of human and companion. She needs guidance, she needs love, she needs someone to show her how to get by in the human world and how to be a good member of the household. You two must teach her that, as if she were a child.

It will be frustrating at times, but you can use your large human brains to outwit her, to figure out ways to get her to want to do what works in the human world. She can learn to be a good companion to you both, even if she may not love you both equally. And you get a even greater gift: the chance to look into the intelligent eye of an absolutely alien being. I mean, she's basically a dinosaur! Bids are the last living direct descendants of the dinosaurs! The former sovereign of the earth now sits on a perch in your living room, talks to you, and asks for scritches. How great is that?

I really, really hope you can work things out. There are so many parrots who live sad lives, limited lives, neglected lives. Here in your house are beings who see one another and love one another, and the possibilities are great. You have a chance to share a bond like no other. It will be worth all the trouble and pain it takes to get there. When is anything good in life ever easy? With great risk and great trust comes great reward. I hope you find a way to keep all your treasures close to you for many years to come.

 

[bug_n_flock]

I will spare you the personal details. But about 5 years ago now I had to give up a blue fronted amazon I'd had for about 7 years. I went thru a serious trauma and had to move back home for a period of time. Despite that bird having lived in that home for many years prior to myself and the birds moving out, it was decided that only my cockatiel could move back with me.

I still cry regularly for him and am still trying to think of a way, any way, to get him back. One person in my family insisted I rehome him, that person is sadly now dead, the person who allowed this person to get rid of my bird is now the subject of my resentment. Bringing it up would accomplish zero, so I just am sad and hate a member of my family just a little bit. And it kills me that I do, but I do. I planned to have Heshe until the day I died, you don't ever get over a loss like that....

You weren't kidding: for the rest of my life I will be thinking about that bird and where he might be. And I'm only 26. Do what you can to resolve this resentment free, for the sake of your bird, your marriage, your mental health.

Good luck, friend, and please learn from my pain. It sucks more than I have words for, it really really does.

From phone

 

[yellowtang]

thank you all again

I think the best thing I have done is to open up here and have an amazing group of friends to share and help find solutions..been a long time visitor..
I must admit , that I was at a complete lost sitting there by myself looking at Kali thinking I may not see her for long..
everything that I was thinking about, situations you all have help see clearly into, the outcomes of letting her go... all points to the same place..

like galaria, my hours are long.. and because of the job that I have, can't really change the hours. It's comes with the responsibilities.. but I too as mentioned, wake Kali up in the morning, talk, give her fresh food, let her stretch a little..she'll often just fly to my shoulder as I prepare things, then put her back in, say bye bye see you later and see her when I get back in the evenings.
then out she comes again, unless someone was nice enough to let her out.. we shower, and spend the evening together until bed time..
My plan was always to have her with me, if all goes well I can retire at 55, just another 7 years to go house will be paid off and I can be home and do things that I love doing..

I'm now reading about Alex again such a touching story and I always laugh at the part where Dr, Pepperbergs colleagues kept trying to trick Alex in giving the wrong answers, only to be made fools of themselves :-D

sitting here with a feeling of butterflies inside me.. I know what is best, need to find a way to talk to my Wife about it and see if I can make this work.
BUT can you believe I now feel bad for that couple if I change my mind ?? they seemed to look so much forward to getting her. I think , I will offer them help in finding their own. I had seen another 7 month old male for sale. maybe that would be a better fit, younger less attached to his flock ?? not that I owe them anything, just want to help if I can..

thanks for my English comment Sqeek !! my biological Dad was English and grew up only watching T.V in English, or reading. It's in fact easier for me to understand, communicate in English, French often makes no sense to me LOL find myself translating French into English then French again !!! how crazy is that hehehehe

have a great day everyone, I will for sure keep you all posted .

Steph

 

[AmyMyBlueFront]

I too "had" to rehome a fid..Jonesy,"the cockatoo man" as he called himself.
Jonesy was an impulse adoption for me,and I knew nothing of cockatoo's.
There has always been two birds in my life,and when Smokey (TAG) passed away at 28 years young,it was wayyyy too quiet here! Smokey was here before Amy,and Amy knew Smokey all her life ( Amy was 25 when Smokey flew off to Rainbow Bridge) and when Smokes passed Amy was as devastated as I.
So I adopted Jonesy,from who is now Amy and BB's Uncle DJ.
Jonesy was awesome! a CLOWN! A cuddler..he talked a bit ( He CUSSED ALOT!) often saying "Your f!@#$%^ me! Your f&^%$#@ me! especially when I was on the phone..the more I talked the louder he got.

Then...it happened...like a switch was turned on..SCREAMING from the minute he woke to well after bed time..and BITING! One second I was giving him scritches,the next I was running to the bathroom to wrap my hand in gauze because of the blood

I read..reread..asked tons of questions here..followed advice and tried everything,to no avail

I had braught Amy into the local convenience store many times and the owner was looking for a bird. Her family had a couple little ones over the years,and I told her about my little "beady-eye'd monster" that I was looking for a home for him.

Long story short..her family took in Jonesy. I see the family almost daily. she,her husband or son tell me something new every time I go in.
Jonesy is real happy where he is and he loves them and they adore him! He plays fetch with the husband,he does his funny 'too dances..is free flighted..he is bi-lingual now..speaking englisg AND Pakastani lol

Yes..he still swears some..and is loud at times..is crazy for their daughter but is HAPPY and well taken care of.

It will be three years this April. I think of him daily. I DO miss the character. But I know he is in a better situation and it is working out.


Jim

 

[yellowtang]

well, I want to start by saying thank you all.. everything that was said has helped me focus on what is important.
I had just ordered a bunch of new toys to keep her busier, made some more myself too. she's funny when I make toys she stares at me and then when I show it to her and ask if she wants it, she nods a huge YES motion and gets all excited LOL
Can't say that I managed to convince my wife at all, and she did use the guilt trip on me , saying that I think my bird is more important than her health !!! to which I again explained that it's not true , but Kali does have emotions and they will be crushed if she goes..
my wife is starting to realize how hard this is for me.
BUT I have decided that Kali is not going anywhere .. and as I was getting ready to text that couple, the girl text me yesterday explaining that her dog needs surgery and that they might not have the financial possibility to adopt her :-D this was the best news I could get.. not only do I have the stress of telling them I changed my mind but they also couldn't . Now that will make my argument stronger now, that Kali has to stay..
I have tried to get my wife involved more, having her take her out of the cage and bring her in the living room, she still won't because she got bit.. but I'm working on it. I need to build trust between my wife and Kali so it's easier for her when I'm not there..
as someone mentioned, I won't be working these hours for ever, if my plan works, I can retire at 55 which is in 7/8 years. life might be different then, more time on my hands, kali will be older too, the entire family will be older. my oldest son might move out, that would give me a spare bedroom I could convert into her room with a friend to keep her company ?? who knows.

I'm just happy that she is staying and that all the nice friends here helped out in making this happen ..

thanks again and looking forward to participating on the forum..

Steph

 

[Kentuckienne]

That's almost a sign from the gods, that the young couple might need the money for the dog ... not to mention, introducing a parrot into a household with a dog is often fatal for the parrot.

If it's any help ... my husband's parrot hated me for a long time, but I managed to become accepted as part of the flock.

I understand your wife's feelings. It is a common wrong path ... one person thinks, "If he loved me, he would understand that this bothers me and stop doing it." The other thinks "If she loved me, she would understand how important this is to me and accept that I do it." And there is no right answer to the question if it's framed that way. It's not "I love you but I want to keep Kali" but "I love you AND I want to keep Kali. How can we make it work?"

Maybe I'm the only one who feels this way, but if I have to do something I don't want to do, I either resent it, or don't do it and feel guilty because I feel I'm supposed to do it. Maybe - since your wife doesn't handle Kali much now anyway - give her permission to not do anything with Kali. Tell her it's OK to do whatever she needs to do, and Kali will be fine until you get home. Sometimes just knowing that will be enough to lift the pressure. Kali will still be annoying - she will still be a parrot, after all - but at least then your wife won't feel pressured or guilty when she looks at Kali. In fact, maybe insist: your health is very important to me, I don't want you to do anything with her, just take care of yourself and do the things that help you feel better. Sometimes pulling all the pressure off like that will even generate a conciliatory move: when you don't HAVE to do something it's easier to WANT to do it.

Your wife might want to join the forum, too. Maybe you could ask a moderator to delete this thread, since it is so personal. Galleria's husband is also a member - The Rival of the Rickeybird - and it gives him a place to find some solace for the awful treatment he receives at the hands - beak? - of her parrot, the Rickeybird. Then again, maybe that's not the best example, as the RB still hates him after all the years.

 

[bug_n_flock]

Excellent news! Yayayay I'm doing a happy dance for you and Kali. I do hope their puppo is OK, though. I agree that getting your wife to join could be a cool (after deleting this thread)idea. Or it might come to bite you in the butt if you or she are the type to check up on posts made by the other. Could drive one or the both of you batty. I know I would be tempted to check my S/O's posts if he were on here, tho in all honesty that's just because I'm a nosey little thing who wants to be included in everything. Haha not one of my better qualities but I'm aware of it so can avoid acting on those urges. Usually.

From phone

 

[yellowtang]

I'm really happy with outcome, the young couples dog will be ok, It need a few teeth removed so nothing too serious..
I agree about what you are saying, maybe keep my wife away from doing anything regarding her..I did however got her to handle Kali once over the weekend, got her to accept to bring her inside her cage from stepping up off my hands to hers. went well, kali didn't fly away or bite, just went in and said bye bye see you later

think baby steps are best, in time Kali might calm down , teaching her new words and songs to whistle, getting her mind on new things to help her become a better parrot..
My wife did ask me if I would be posting another add to rehome her.. don't think she was surprised by my answer, but accepted it..

thanks again.

Steph