EllenD
New member
- Aug 20, 2016
- 3,979
- 68
- Parrots
- Senegal Parrot named "Kane"; Yellow-Sided Green Cheek Conure named "Bowie"; Blue Quaker Parrot named "Lita Ford"; Cockatiel named "Duff"; 8 American/English Budgie Hybrids; Ringneck Dove named "Dylan"
Wow, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, or rather constantly have it in the back of your head at all times, as I'm sure it is...But what you're doing right here, right now is EXACTLY what you need to be doing, figuring this out BEFORE it does become a full-blown issue that causes strain on your relationship with Eddie, or ruins your bond with Parker...I've found in my own life with many, many situations that the only reason they became HUGE issues was because I didn't address them when I first became aware of them becoming issues, and the only reason that they ended-up becoming emergencies or massive problems that seemingly had no good answers at all was because I chose to ignore them, hoping they would go away or sort themselves out. I can honestly say that there are quite a few situations that I have found myself in that would have NEVER even been blips on the screen had I just addressed them when I first became aware of them or sensed them. Everything has a possible positive solution, but it's up to YOU to take the bull by the horns and make those positive solutions actual possibilities...
I don't think the dog-sitting issue is going to be an eventual "re-home" situation Chris, just because if you really think about what is best for Parker in-comparison to where he would be if you did eventually re-home him, I think you'll also find that the negatives or "the cons" of dog-sitting and having to keep Parker inside of his cage a bit more often than you would otherwise will not EVER make re-homing him to another person or family a better situation for him overall. Regardless of what a great, loving, responsible person or family you could possibly find to re-home Parker to, that potential person or family will not EVER love Parker more than you do, and I can say with confidence that this also applies to Parker's love for you. We all know how intelligent our parrots are, how they are able to use logic and reasoning skills, but what we sometimes forget is that as intelligent as they are, they are also every bit as emotional and loving. They are "Flock Animals" who bond-deeply with their mates, whether they be mates with feathers or mates with skin. And you just cannot convince me that ANY other person or family being able to let Parker out of his cage a little more each day than you can due to you dog-sitting will be better for him overall than will be him staying with you, "his person" and flock-mate who he's bonded so closely with. Think about that for a while and I think you'll see where I'm coming from and totally agree with me. I can't imagine a young child who's parents work a lot of hours and who is often babysat while his parents are at work would be better-off in the long-run by being moved to new parents who are home 24/7 and able to be with them constantly. That little bit of extra time and attention will NEVER overcome losing the person or people who they love the most and who they count-on being there for them and with them at the end of the day.
So I think the "dog-sitting" issue isn't really an issue, just more of a concern that you're maybe making into more of a problem than it actually is, possibly because the other issue regarding Parker really could potentially become an actual problem, and maybe you're looking for other substantial reasons why it would be better for Parker if you were to re-home him. And that's understandable, that's how our brains work, constantly looking for justifications and evidence to "back things up", but again, just the fact that you and Parker are bonded so closely and that Parker loves you so much and expects you to be there with him always is way more important to him, to Parker, than some total strangers being there with him 24/7, 365.
As far as the issue with your partner and Parker, have you actually sat down with Eddie and had a serious conversation about this yet? You said that you can "sense" that it's an issue that Eddie has that is gradually becoming larger and larger, but how do you know that for certain? Has Eddie voiced this with you? Or is this something that you've been observing and that YOU ARE PERCEIVING to be a potentially huge issue for the two of you in the future?
I don't know either of you personally, but I do know how much you love and care for Parker, and the kind of bond the two of you have. I'm pretty sure that all of the more senior-members of this forum would agree with me on that...And if people who don't know you personally, who have never met you or even spoken to you on the phone know how much you love and care for your bird and that the two of you have a very strong bond and relationship, then I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that Eddie probably knows this very well too! And when someone loves you, or is in-love with you, they not only recognize the persons, places, and things that are important to you, but they also respect those things that are important to you. So even if Eddie "isn't a bird person", and even though he might get annoyed when Parker gets loud or has his moments, as all pets and people do sometimes, I highly doubt that he's ever even had the thought of "re-homing Parker" cross his mind, at least not seriously, simply because he loves you and he knows how much you love Parker, and how important he is to you and your life. And while it's amazingly selfless that you would even consider re-homing Parker just to please your partner, I highly doubt that he would ever expect you nor want you to do so for him. You have to remember Chris that as much as you're worrying about Eddie's feelings and wanting him to be as happy as possible, Eddie is most-likely thinking the exact same thing in-regards to you and your happiness. And that's what makes intimate relationships work, two people who want each other to be happy in life, and the two of them reaching compromises and both of them giving AND taking. So you have to keep in-mind that Eddie certainly does not want you to be unhappy or be put in a position where you're having to think about making a horribly painful and traumatic decision about re-homing your parrot simply because you want him to be happy, whether it's at the expense of your own happiness or not. That's not something that anyone in a committed, loving relationship wants their partner to do for them.
And one more possibility that you need to really think about long and hard is what re-homing Parker due to Eddie not liking him or being annoyed by him, or simply because you care about him so much that you are willing to do one of the most unselfish, selfless things you could possibly do FOR HIM would eventually do to your relationship in the end. Resentment is a emotion that no one ever plans on feeling, nor even really ever thinks about until one day they suddenly feel it. It's not a feeling that we usually consider before we make very difficult decisions for someone else, and maybe we should, because if we thought about the potential for resentment rearing it's ugly head sometime in the distant future, we would probably be able to avoid it completely a lot of the time. As someone who has been in a completely "one-sided" relationship with regard to looking out for my partner completely and always putting myself and my feelings second, I can tell you that even 5 years after that relationship was ended (by them I might add, pathetically), I still catch myself regretting decisions that I made totally at my own expense, simply out of concern for the other person. There are things that I did at my own detriment that to this day I just find myself begging to take back...but I can't take them back, they just exist and the "what-ifs" for myself just hang out there like a carrot dangled in front of me that I'll never, ever be able to catch.
So not only do you need to sit down soon, in the present, and discuss this with Eddie in-depth before you worry yourself crazy and before these little "annoyances' that you think Parker is causing him on a regular basis become actual issues, but you also need to sit down with yourself and try to imagine a future-life where you and Eddie are still together, living together and in a committed relationship, and where you have already made the decision to selflessly re-home Parker and give him away to someone else for him to bond with and learn to love (maybe, maybe not, there's the issue of the unknown for what would become of Parker to consider too), and try to decide whether you can see your own resentment of Eddie growing slowly over time, possibly ruining your relationship at some point anyway. Every time you see an Eclectus are you going to remember Parker, look at Eddie, and then feel that resentment poking at you, little by little, bit by bit, until you start thinking "I gave my baby away for you, but what have you ever done for me that was so selfless and painful?" Again, we don't ever think that this is going to happen between us and the person that we love, especially since it would be completely your decision to re-home Parker and not something that Eddie would have done, but unfortunately resentment isn't typically an emotion we can choose to not feel; we can only suppress it over time until it explodes. And then where will you be left?
Sit down and talk to Eddie. Tell him exactly what you're worrying about, ask him how he feels about it, but most-importantly you need to tell him truthfully how you feel about it. And try to find solutions to these issues that presently don't seem to be any that you can't overcome and work-out without anyone leaving the picture.
I don't think the dog-sitting issue is going to be an eventual "re-home" situation Chris, just because if you really think about what is best for Parker in-comparison to where he would be if you did eventually re-home him, I think you'll also find that the negatives or "the cons" of dog-sitting and having to keep Parker inside of his cage a bit more often than you would otherwise will not EVER make re-homing him to another person or family a better situation for him overall. Regardless of what a great, loving, responsible person or family you could possibly find to re-home Parker to, that potential person or family will not EVER love Parker more than you do, and I can say with confidence that this also applies to Parker's love for you. We all know how intelligent our parrots are, how they are able to use logic and reasoning skills, but what we sometimes forget is that as intelligent as they are, they are also every bit as emotional and loving. They are "Flock Animals" who bond-deeply with their mates, whether they be mates with feathers or mates with skin. And you just cannot convince me that ANY other person or family being able to let Parker out of his cage a little more each day than you can due to you dog-sitting will be better for him overall than will be him staying with you, "his person" and flock-mate who he's bonded so closely with. Think about that for a while and I think you'll see where I'm coming from and totally agree with me. I can't imagine a young child who's parents work a lot of hours and who is often babysat while his parents are at work would be better-off in the long-run by being moved to new parents who are home 24/7 and able to be with them constantly. That little bit of extra time and attention will NEVER overcome losing the person or people who they love the most and who they count-on being there for them and with them at the end of the day.
So I think the "dog-sitting" issue isn't really an issue, just more of a concern that you're maybe making into more of a problem than it actually is, possibly because the other issue regarding Parker really could potentially become an actual problem, and maybe you're looking for other substantial reasons why it would be better for Parker if you were to re-home him. And that's understandable, that's how our brains work, constantly looking for justifications and evidence to "back things up", but again, just the fact that you and Parker are bonded so closely and that Parker loves you so much and expects you to be there with him always is way more important to him, to Parker, than some total strangers being there with him 24/7, 365.
As far as the issue with your partner and Parker, have you actually sat down with Eddie and had a serious conversation about this yet? You said that you can "sense" that it's an issue that Eddie has that is gradually becoming larger and larger, but how do you know that for certain? Has Eddie voiced this with you? Or is this something that you've been observing and that YOU ARE PERCEIVING to be a potentially huge issue for the two of you in the future?
I don't know either of you personally, but I do know how much you love and care for Parker, and the kind of bond the two of you have. I'm pretty sure that all of the more senior-members of this forum would agree with me on that...And if people who don't know you personally, who have never met you or even spoken to you on the phone know how much you love and care for your bird and that the two of you have a very strong bond and relationship, then I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that Eddie probably knows this very well too! And when someone loves you, or is in-love with you, they not only recognize the persons, places, and things that are important to you, but they also respect those things that are important to you. So even if Eddie "isn't a bird person", and even though he might get annoyed when Parker gets loud or has his moments, as all pets and people do sometimes, I highly doubt that he's ever even had the thought of "re-homing Parker" cross his mind, at least not seriously, simply because he loves you and he knows how much you love Parker, and how important he is to you and your life. And while it's amazingly selfless that you would even consider re-homing Parker just to please your partner, I highly doubt that he would ever expect you nor want you to do so for him. You have to remember Chris that as much as you're worrying about Eddie's feelings and wanting him to be as happy as possible, Eddie is most-likely thinking the exact same thing in-regards to you and your happiness. And that's what makes intimate relationships work, two people who want each other to be happy in life, and the two of them reaching compromises and both of them giving AND taking. So you have to keep in-mind that Eddie certainly does not want you to be unhappy or be put in a position where you're having to think about making a horribly painful and traumatic decision about re-homing your parrot simply because you want him to be happy, whether it's at the expense of your own happiness or not. That's not something that anyone in a committed, loving relationship wants their partner to do for them.
And one more possibility that you need to really think about long and hard is what re-homing Parker due to Eddie not liking him or being annoyed by him, or simply because you care about him so much that you are willing to do one of the most unselfish, selfless things you could possibly do FOR HIM would eventually do to your relationship in the end. Resentment is a emotion that no one ever plans on feeling, nor even really ever thinks about until one day they suddenly feel it. It's not a feeling that we usually consider before we make very difficult decisions for someone else, and maybe we should, because if we thought about the potential for resentment rearing it's ugly head sometime in the distant future, we would probably be able to avoid it completely a lot of the time. As someone who has been in a completely "one-sided" relationship with regard to looking out for my partner completely and always putting myself and my feelings second, I can tell you that even 5 years after that relationship was ended (by them I might add, pathetically), I still catch myself regretting decisions that I made totally at my own expense, simply out of concern for the other person. There are things that I did at my own detriment that to this day I just find myself begging to take back...but I can't take them back, they just exist and the "what-ifs" for myself just hang out there like a carrot dangled in front of me that I'll never, ever be able to catch.
So not only do you need to sit down soon, in the present, and discuss this with Eddie in-depth before you worry yourself crazy and before these little "annoyances' that you think Parker is causing him on a regular basis become actual issues, but you also need to sit down with yourself and try to imagine a future-life where you and Eddie are still together, living together and in a committed relationship, and where you have already made the decision to selflessly re-home Parker and give him away to someone else for him to bond with and learn to love (maybe, maybe not, there's the issue of the unknown for what would become of Parker to consider too), and try to decide whether you can see your own resentment of Eddie growing slowly over time, possibly ruining your relationship at some point anyway. Every time you see an Eclectus are you going to remember Parker, look at Eddie, and then feel that resentment poking at you, little by little, bit by bit, until you start thinking "I gave my baby away for you, but what have you ever done for me that was so selfless and painful?" Again, we don't ever think that this is going to happen between us and the person that we love, especially since it would be completely your decision to re-home Parker and not something that Eddie would have done, but unfortunately resentment isn't typically an emotion we can choose to not feel; we can only suppress it over time until it explodes. And then where will you be left?
Sit down and talk to Eddie. Tell him exactly what you're worrying about, ask him how he feels about it, but most-importantly you need to tell him truthfully how you feel about it. And try to find solutions to these issues that presently don't seem to be any that you can't overcome and work-out without anyone leaving the picture.
