Marching down an uncertain road

[chris-md]

I never imagined I could possibly be posting this, But hopefully we’re catching this in time.

I’m profoundly concerned I see the big R word in our distant future, and I don’t know how to stop it, and the thought that I don’t know how to get off this merry go round is really upsetting.

Rehome.

We’re still a long way - couple years - from reaching any crossroads. We’re not there yet. But I feel like I can see it a mile away.

Here’s the situation, which is primarily two fold:

My partner Eddie has been incredibly accommodating of Parker. But I see him becoming somewhat annoyed with Parker. Parker’s been more vocal, but it’s not anything abnormal. Parker’s always been pretty quiet. But the last six months I’d say he’s become more like a normal bird, alarm vocals with something outside, sudden screams when someone enters the room. Just normal parrot noise making. Not at all excessive.

It’s a minor annoyance, but I know Eddie. And I can see his annoyance eventually ballooning up in him. I can ignore it, it’s just Parker being a parrot. Eddie is not a bird person.

The other challenge is the dogs. We dogsit as a side business, which is absolutely necesssary to help pay bills. This business has grown beyond what we ever thought. July through December last year we were nearly booked solid with almost no breaks, save for a few odd days here and there. This will be going on for a number of years, guaranteed.

When we have dogs, Parker doesn’t really get out of cage time for his safety. I want to emphasize he’s still around us. He has two cages: one in his room where he is during the day, and one in the living room with us. When we are home he is in his living room cage with us 5 feet away. Just not out being held much.

We strive to find a balance for him, but the honest truth is he is lucky to get half an hour a day out of cage time. So you can imagine how much time he spent out of cage the second half of last year.

The guilt at the lack of out of cage time is a bit of a weight on my shoulders.

That’s where I am: annoyed partner and Parker not getting much out of cage personal time. It’s manageable, but I have to be intellectually honest: these ingredients don’t point to an outcome that ends well.

Like I said, it’s all still in a very early simmer, we haven’t reached any sort of crossroads, but I feel that I’ve set on a road marching me to a gravity well of inevitability suck us into rehoming.

So I turn to you, dear friends. HOW ON EARTH DO I TURN THIS AROUND BEFORE ITS TOO LATE???

 

[Scott]

A tough choice, Chris. Life has a way of morphing, and your high level of ethics confronts the rather obvious solution many would find satisfactory: Consign Parker to an increasingly caged life and rationalize a few minutes contact daily as acceptable.

Two substantial issues, and one perhaps less obvious:

1- Eddie may have sensitivity issues with Parker's increased vocalizations. I have no idea, but doubt any sort of training or conditioning can alter this progression. Is Eddie willing to explore possible therapies or immersion to improve tolerance?

2- The dogs. Can Parker be out of his cage in the day room while the dogs are in the living room? Sort of a compromise between out time and having direct contact with you. Alternatively, might a much larger cage in the living room give him far more room with more toys?

Lastly, I seem to recall Parker is trending towards less tolerance of handling. Correct me if wrong, may have the wrong situation. Might this have a subliminal corrosive effect on your relationship?

 

[LaManuka]

I'm so very sorry you are feeling this way Chris. Still it's great that you have the courage and foresight to face this thing now, rather than letting it spiral out of control. You do NOT want to end up feeling backed into a corner and making a decision you may come to regret.

I've always thought that birds, more than pretty much any other companion animal, are far more an emotional investment, and for various reasons they seem to require everyone in the household to be onboard.

Rehoming is not always the "wrong" thing to do, but it is always a very difficult thing to do. I've done it before when I genuinely thought that being with me was not the best thing for the bird and I still feel that way, even though it broke my heart (all over again!) to do it. I do not know the dynamic in your household, and I don't know how long you have had Parker for. Or whether it is possible for you to perhaps downsize the dog-sitting to enable Parker to have more time out with his flock.

Maybe just take some time out to reassess and take stock. You clearly love Parker and want what’s best for him, and are very sensibly taking the long view - I hope you are able to find a solution that enables you to keep your family happy and intact.

 

[SilverSage]

This is a tough situation all around but I have a couple of ideas to toss out there.

-you could try training Parker to use a less offensive sound, or block his view of things outside when Eddie is home. For example Flick whispers for attention instead of screaming.

-I understand that you need that income; finances can be harsh, but is it possible that, since you see this problem coming in a couple of years, that you could find a different way to make that amount? In the meantime maybe we can help you brainstorm ways to get Parker more time when the dogs are there, which would probably help with the other things as well.


But understand this, WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!! Whether you find a way to keep Parker or if you have to face the heartbreaking choice to part with him, we are here for you.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Allee]

Awww Chris, I hate to hear you may be faced with a terrible decision to make, I hope it doesn’t come to that. I can definitely relate to the situation you are faced with though. Your dog sitting business is a positive thing both for you and your customers, giving it up isn’t an option. You and Eddie obviously have a busy lifestyle, just not enough minutes in the day. Is it possible to squeeze a little more quality time with Parker in somewhere, sometimes a few extra minutes of one on one time can make a lot of difference. We know parrots are sensitive and don’t care for change, maybe Parker is having trouble adapting to sharing his humans with the constant four legged visitors. I like Scott’s idea of a huge cage in the same room, that way Parker would be safe but still included in family time. I’m also wondering if Parker’s vocalizing could be due to hormones in which case the extra noise could be temporary? I hope some of our members can offer great advice, we can’t lose you and Parker and you can’t lose each other. There must be a beautiful solution somewhere.

 

[SilverSage]

Allee makes a great point on the hormones! A lot of that can be controlled with diet ESPECIALLY with a bird that already eats fresh food well! If you can switch him largely to veggies and off of fruit for the spring that may really help!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[SassiBird]

Is there a correlation between Parker's increased noise level and his lack out of cage time?

My first thought was 'balance'. I don't know anything about your dog business, but can the dogs be treated to their fair share of kennel/treat/chewy time allowing Parker to have a couple hours of freedom?

 

[Laurasea]

Eddie can take the dogs for a walk and park visit, giving you time to spend with Parker. Also you make your own large dog kennel diy out of fencing, and then the dogs can hang out in the living room kennel while you have bird time. I used to do this with my dog when I couldn't trust her with my bird. The dog was happy took a nap chewed on chrw toy, still felt like she was part of the pack. And I could safely play with my bird. Defy your parrot is getting frustrated by lack of out of cage time, and that definitely leads to screaming or increased vocolization.
I changed my life and gave up pets before for a significant other, and I will never do that again.
If you want to make it work with your parrot you can. A quote I love and live by "decide what you want, and then decide what you are willing to give up to get it"
If instead rehoming is the best for you, then find the best home and go ahead, waiting will just lead to more behavior issues with your Parrot.
I hope all participants envolved make small sacrifices each to make keeping him work.
Thank you for your honest sharing.

 

[SailBoat]

Is there a correlation between Parker's increased noise level and his lack out of cage time?

My first thought was 'balance'. I don't know anything about your dog business, but can the dogs be treated to their fair share of kennel/treat/chewy time allowing Parker to have a couple hours of freedom?

In my mind, the above is a perfect evaluation of the required changes.
It sounds like the dogs take-over the home and Parker is pushed to the back-corner of life. To be very honest, you are very lucky that the most you are experiencing with Parker is this very small shift.

We had a family member stay for a couple of months. Our Yellow-Winged Amazon near drove everyone out-of-house with his screaming. As soon as the family member left, life returned to a normal Amazon home. Biggest mistake we made was the visiting family member got front and center and Darby was cut-out of normal household activities.

Sure sounds like poor Parker is getting the short-end of the current deal.

 

[GaleriaGila]

I read everybody's thoughts and I like the range of good ideas.

Two marriages, one boyfriend, and several jobs later (not in that order), I have pretty much begged, borrowed and stolen in order to keep the Rickeybird. Some will say that it's been unfair to various parties, avian and human. I dunno. But as the Sage One said, no matter what, we're here for you.

 

[chris-md]

You guys are the best, thank you At minimum, it was a relief just saying it out loud, but its been on my mind for months.

Promise I'm trying to keep everything short - so dang difficult. Nobody hates the infamous and largely unnecessary wall of text more than this millennial who refuses to read more than 3 lines of text before I move on <--not including anything people are posting on this thread of course, since its so important to me. To be clear, I'm reading and taking in everything you all are saying.

Note above I said it was primarily two issues. For the sake of "brevity" I left some stuff out, but you all hit on it - I have those issues listed above, but I also have the fall out from them I'm dealing with. And here I thought I haven't posted nearly enough lately for you all to pick up such things.

Yes, I'm seeing some behavior issues that I believe are attributable to less freedom:
1. He is more vocal than usual,
a. Of note, aside form what I said above, Prolific lunging and/or VERY LOUD eclectus growling from the cage when people are passing remotely close to the cage, to a very disturbing degree. Its gotten so bad, he now does it out of nowhere, as were just watching TV, not moving at all. But its all bark and no bite because he will step up immediately if you put your hand in the cage to get him. This growling I really don't understand.

2. His behavior is a bit more obstinate, particularly Step up is less reliable, particularly from the top of the cage or on the ground.

I'm gonna take some time to absorb and internalize these recommendations and see if I can do anything different, but heres my gut reaction:

1. I know its not hormones - I keep those under wraps now. He gets very little in the way of fruit actually, both for this reason and more for practical reasons. he gets them usually as whole fruits (not cut) fed on top of his cage - cleaner this way. No out of cage time means no top of cage, means no fruits. Occasional grape thrown into his bowl if we have it, but its a rarity. His diet is largely frozen chop (always veggie and grain heavy) and sprouts. TOPS pellets in the morning.

2. Training new sounds: I'm actively trying to do this. I'm having only limited success Largely because I don't have training buy-in from Eddie. He knows better, but will still yell at Parker if he yells or otherwise make an uncomfortably loud noise (He's heard "don't get into a screaming match with a parrot, moron!" more times than I can count), and doesnt' really reward the good sounds. So he gets mixed signals.

Understand, Parker is definitely in behavior boot camp. Trying to keep this short, but he was misbehaving, at one point had me literal tears a couple months ago (which was probably just me being overly sensitive to some aggressive refusals to step up combined with a bite, if I'm being honestl; a bit dramatic). In the tears I realized my approach to his misbehavior was all wrong, and I've been working on him and myself. Hes undergoing some step up training, and its definitely helping in a few areas.

Hes gotten better, but ultimately the lack of freedom I do think is a confounding issue actively underminding training efforts to some degree. AND I think the dogs could potentially be bothering him, depending on the individual dog - most leave him alone and he seems unbothered by them. but some of the noisier than others, or some pay more attention to him than others.

Its a hard balancing act for sure.

 

[Rival_of_the_Rickeybird]

I am the OTHER. You know, THAT GUY who doesn't think parrots are people, all that. lol But I admire the way you folks persist, analyze, reset, restart, try again. I endured and I'm glad I did. I wish ya well, buddy, both o' ya's.

 

[HEEDLESS]

The old saying. "If it meant to be easy, It won't be called LIFE"



You love Parker to the point of being guilty for thinking of "R"



I know you will be hurt but think what is best for the three of you. Can you live without your partner? Can you live without Parker?



You made me think of a saying... "Life is like a dance, we learn as we go"


Best wishes on your choice and I really am hoping the three of you are always be together....


I know it is hard... Trust me, I know... **hugs**


***CHUUUUUUUUUU**

​

 

[SilverSage]

I know no matter how hard we try we can never express the complexity of our struggles in short (or long) forum posts. But if we can be helpful you know we will try. And we all know YOU are trying as well!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[john8terry]

I know no matter how hard we try we can never express the complexity of our struggles in short (or long) forum posts. But if we can be helpful you know we will try. And we all know YOU are trying as well!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

We do have some motormouths in our midsts.

Sent from my SM-J320V using Tapatalk

 

[SilverSage]

I know no matter how hard we try we can never express the complexity of our struggles in short (or long) forum posts. But if we can be helpful you know we will try. And we all know YOU are trying as well!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

We do have some motormouths in our midsts.

Sent from my SM-J320V using Tapatalk

That is not at all what I meant. Not remotely.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Terry57]

Chris, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have no suggestions to add to the wonderful ones you have received, and the proactive work you are doing with Parker.
My Friend, I know that if anyone can work through this, that person is you. I have so much respect and admiration for you, your insights are always dead on. You were a huge help with my Slater issues, and I wish I could return the favor.
I am hoping that things get better for all of you.

 

[ChristaNL]

I am so sorry your partner has such a hard time-
no I did not completely miss the point, of course *you* are the one getting hurt the most here (and it's been happening a really long time if I read your story right).
You are caught in the middle: a parrot that gets more unruly every day and a partner that gets more annoyed at the same rate and/but is also a main source of the parrot behaving worse and worse...


Something like a rock and a hard place-sandwich, with you slap bang in the middle



There is only so much YOU can do- and you are doing it ...
Parker is behaving for you, but not the other flockmember.
And the other guy is so not helping
(Not accusing him of deliberately doing this, it is always very difficult to tolerate or appreciate someone elses hobby/other love of his/her life when it in no way resonates in yours. And parrots can be a tremendous nuisance.)


I am not saying "tie him to a chair and shine a bright light in his eyes till he confesses" but I think you need to have a really honest and serious talk if your partner is really willing to share you with said parrot at all.
Because if he isn't ... at last it will be clear and you all can decide what to do from there.
(Maybe he can have a heart to heart with Rival ?)
If he is willing to share...then is it time for parrotowners bootcamp to make sure BOTH parronts are on the same page on how to deal with the feathered part of the family.


Not everyone is a parrotperson, and that is a lot harder than not be a horseperson (that animal will not be sharing your house for one thing, or land in your breakfast...).
There is no shame in not being able to cope with a noisy, uncivilized, undomesticated, overly-attention-demanding animal who can hurt your eardrums and shred your skin.
Not being competely honest about that with the person you love... is another matter.


You both handle/ deal with the dogs, right?
So there is no reason you would not be able to handle a parrot together, both animals have a certain set of rules you have to know, use and follow.

 

[Inger]

Chris, I have zero advice for you, but I sure do know what it’s like to live with someone who doesn’t agree on parronting styles (for fids, dogs, AND human children). It’s no fun at all, especially when you know you’re the reasonable one. So I just wanted you to know I get it and I’m sorry you’re in this situation.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[dhraiden]

All things can be improved with the appropriate habituation and training. People and parrots. It's merely a matter of setting our expectations accordingly, and then engaging in open communication, grounded by mutual consideration, in the spirit of jolly cooperation.


I think given all you've indicated you two have achieved together, that this is a most certainly surmountable issue.:smile049: