How to train your partner?

[Soyajam]

Believe it or not, there are people out there that honestly believe animals are truly beneath people. That their sole purpose is to serve people.

While I'm horrified every time I see such an individual, its slowly dawning on me that its just how people can be.

Are you sure though that this conflict over animals isnt just part of a bigger problem in your relationship? Not possible that this issue with animals is your "easy way out"? I say this with all due respect, only to offer a possibility.

My animals are my babies, and unless they're reallllly special, human partners usually come second. (As it so happens, so far my own human partner is pretty good.... for now...)

 

[BillsBirds]

When I worked for the SPCA, I saw this thinking & behavior every day. Many people see animals as things, as possessions, as something to have. As long as they don't interfere with their life, having the animals is okay. My animals ARE my life! You cannot believe how many starving dogs / cats we took away from obese people, who never missed a meal. Or people with gold jewelry / gold teeth / big cars / etc. who wouldn't take their pets to the vet because they "couldn't afford it"! Imbedded collars on dogs 10 feet away from the door to the house. They didn't see the problem! I could go on & on. People would fight with us, and even a judge in court, that we were wrong. It seems that either they understand, or they don't. And, if they don't, it cannot be explained or understood.

 

[faeryphoebe1]

In all fairness to Thingamagigs, my husband cheated on me and when I found out, I almost succeeded in taking my own life (we are reconciling our relationship now). Therefore, he is definitely not loyal, whereas your partner may very well be. So it's easier for me to choose my animals over him.

 

[Thingamagigs]

Question... because Mana is bonded to him, what does everyone think about removing her from him? Do you think this would be cruel?
If I redo the front room so she never sees him, will her desperation to be with him decrease with time? She can hear him from the front room and peeps and screams.

Believe it or not, there are people out there that honestly believe animals are truly beneath people. That their sole purpose is to serve people.

While I'm horrified every time I see such an individual, its slowly dawning on me that its just how people can be.

Are you sure though that this conflict over animals isnt just part of a bigger problem in your relationship? Not possible that this issue with animals is your "easy way out"? I say this with all due respect, only to offer a possibility.

My animals are my babies, and unless they're reallllly special, human partners usually come second. (As it so happens, so far my own human partner is pretty good.... for now...)

I know what you mean by the highlighted bit... though any reason you use to leave an unhappy relationship is good enough I suppose.
I had to use an excuse in a previous relationship to justify leaving to myself... he was cheating and manipulative and because I am trusting and was concerned about his mental health... I couldn't bring myself to properly accept the truth... so I used the fact he got drunk and smashed my windscreen to leave. However I also know there are people who use excuses to leave just because they are bored and without just cause.
That's definitely not happening here... while he isn't perfect, he is supportive of me and tolerant of my condition. He is innately selfish but he knows he is and tries not to be when ever he can. I think knowing your weaknesses and being honest about what level of control you have over them is a pretty admirable quality.
Most of the time I appear to be a near normal functioning person, but occasionally my condition is bad enough that I need a walking stick to get around, I have tremors, my eyes can no longer focus and speaking and understanding spoken words is very hard. In those cases I can't drive and I can't work. I can't even eat food any more. And I am only 32.
The relationship is pretty harmonious except for when it comes to animals... our an also conversation LOL But it's not his fault he can't grasp the things I enjoy talking about. I am probably going to have to put my foot down and tile the front room to make a proper bird room.

When I worked for the SPCA, I saw this thinking & behavior every day. Many people see animals as things, as possessions, as something to have. As long as they don't interfere with their life, having the animals is okay. My animals ARE my life! You cannot believe how many starving dogs / cats we took away from obese people, who never missed a meal. Or people with gold jewelry / gold teeth / big cars / etc. who wouldn't take their pets to the vet because they "couldn't afford it"! Imbedded collars on dogs 10 feet away from the door to the house. They didn't see the problem! I could go on & on. People would fight with us, and even a judge in court, that we were wrong. It seems that either they understand, or they don't. And, if they don't, it cannot be explained or understood.

Its true. I worked for the RSPCA as well, in both a volunteer and professional role. I also ran private rescues. With time I realised you can not change their outlook, no matter how much they are lectured or reasoned with. It was an enormous change to the way I handled EVERYTHING in life. I switched my thinking from "JUSTICE!" to "REHABILITATION". Instead of trying to fix the people, I concentrated on picking up the pieces of the animals they left in their wake. So I did what ever needed to be done to remove the animals without fulfilling MY need for justice. Which meant treating those people with utmost kindness and respect, praising their decision to surrender and nodding my head to all their excuses. And then crying when I got home as I spent hours cutting collars out of necks, trimming curved nails, cutting crud out of hair and spending hours washing and clipping and teasing out mats. And it isn't just the odd abusing person either. You end up learning that this is the view of the majority and the reason society expands regardless of the affect it has on the world and the animals we share it with. Then you know nothing will change, all you can do is save one animal at a time, change one person at a time. And hope humans begin to quit seeing themselves as the only thing that matters on this planet. If only people could see how primitive their need for expansion and the 'survival of the human race'. I am pretty sure we do not need in excess of 6 billion humans to ensure our survival :/

In all fairness to Thingamagigs, my husband cheated on me and when I found out, I almost succeeded in taking my own life (we are reconciling our relationship now). Therefore, he is definitely not loyal, whereas your partner may very well be. So it's easier for me to choose my animals over him.

If my partner was outright abusing animals... he'd be gone. If it ever came to that, there would be no question. A partner hit my daughter once, so hard it left a welt. I was gone the next day. Same thing would happen with the animals.

 

[Soyajam]

Well considering your thoughts, seperating him from mana may be the go. She may experience a bit of regression in trust but if you have to retrain her anyway its just a little extra. You may have to deal with an upset husband too...

 

[faeryphoebe1]

In all fairness to Thingamagigs, my husband cheated on me and when I found out, I almost succeeded in taking my own life (we are reconciling our relationship now). Therefore, he is definitely not loyal, whereas your partner may very well be. So it's easier for me to choose my animals over him.

If my partner was outright abusing animals... he'd be gone. If it ever came to that, there would be no question. A partner hit my daughter once, so hard it left a welt. I was gone the next day. Same thing would happen with the animals.

My husband's actually really, really good with the animals. He's never lifted a finger to harm them. He never had a pet until we met; so he had to learn how to care for them and how to put up with barking, meowing, growling, squawking and the destruction of furniture, as the years went by. And as time went on, he became much more comfortable with their needs and with their highly important place in our family. It took time, though. Now, he sleeps with Phoebe (our yorkie) and Monkey (our black cat) when I'm at work, lol. So, there is hope!

 

[Thingamagigs]

Oops, didn't mean to imply your hubby was abusive ... I have a habit of agreeing but then not acknowledging what I have agreed about and going straight to an almost unrelated statement As though you could have read my mind.

What I meant was... I understand what you mean, I am more tolerant of cheating because it has happened so many times its difficult not to build a core belief around it assuming that you aren't good enough and men just cheat... but if my partner was abusing someone I love, that would be different I am ultra protective of those I love.

 

[BillsBirds]

We dealt with the same things regarding SPCA / RSPCA, so I know what you mean. As for seperating your bird & your husband...if she can hear him, she will call to him, want to be with him, and may develop issues. It will be difficult. And every time he goes to her, or tries to quiet her, or even if he yells at her, it will reinforce the behavior.

 

[chippy]

When I was growing up, my dad had the same, "they're JUST animals" attitude. I NEVER got it, because I was in love with animals from the moment I was born, I think. All pets I have ever had have been part of the family and I can NOT comprehend a "pets are disposable" attitude!!! It makes me sad, and I hope he is willing to try to change. I know I could NOT live with someone who didn't love animals the way I do...

 

[Thingamagigs]

I don't know how to put this in words. Sheldon is gone. I don't think I can explain now, I feel sick. The first time I have seen my partner cry, but it's his fault. No it's not his fault it an idiot neighbour. I just want someone to pay. I am so mad I want to be sick.

I can't bear to make a new thread now I'm taking a break from the forum til I can deal.