Ho Hum, just a bad day that I wanted to turn into something better :)

[ruffledfeathers]

So today was interesting. We had a family get together at my mom’s house with my sister’s family. I was a little over-tired and I suppose over sensitive.

After reflection I thought I’d share some of my “bad day” as a reminder, a comfort, solidarity, etc…….

Things were going well until my mom started kind of snickering and making comments about, well, basically about my big butt flopping all over the place. (I am 110 lbs btw and I work out and am a recovered anorexic). I just kind of laughed it off and kept going but then when the day was over, I couldn’t help but sit and cry for quite a while.

Normally I keep my shield up, particularly around my mom, because she is super critical whether she means it or not. For some reason, it stabbed right through this 42 year old heart and made me feel ten again. Made me hear all those voices that said “no one will ever love you because you are ugly” or “don’t even open your mouth to speak in this house because I hate the person you are, inside and out.”

I have long since dealt with all that crap and I should know better than to let it hurt me. Really, I am stronger than that, and a person who celebrates our uniqueness. People who are superficial and critical miss out on so much that makes life worth living. They are stunted, inhibited, and try to suppress the curiosity, individuality and the “fire” in others. Don’t let them.

So I just wanted to remind everyone—celebrate yourself. BE yourself. Define your own space and don’t let anyone take that from you. In your worst moment, you still have value and you can grow toward the light. Maybe you need a gentle pruning and some food from time to time, but you will always become who you are meant to be; never let anyone hijack your inner voice.

And finally, stand up for other people. When someone is hurting, your kindness can almost make you a super hero.

Maybe someone else had a bad day and these words will sound soothing, and for that, I’m glad to have shared something kind of humiliating!!

 

[Sterling1113]

I can understand what you're going through(somewhat). I've been battling eating disorders and depression since high school, dad always told me that I was fine and just had to "get over it". I've actually lost like 40lbs in the last month now that I'm not pregnant anymore.

Thank you for posting, there are many like us who are too nervous to publicly post about their daily struggles, and things like this DO help. Just knowing that we aren't alone, even if we feel like it sometimes.

Glad you found the positive in your day, hope you feel better soon.

 

[Runnergirl]

This was good for me as well. I was anorexic and bulimic for over ten years. I still occasionally struggle with a few things. My mother was the same way. I wasn't good enough because I wasn't perfect in every (and I mean every) way. Unfortunately I had to remove her from my life to heal myself as she IS intentional with her insults and remarks. She has her own issues but I couldn't let them affect me anymore. Anyway, the last few days have been rough and I appreciate your post.

 

[Kiwibird]

Unreal how people can be so insensitive sometimes. It's even worse when they have a jokey or "oh, just get over it" attitude. I know in the rational part of your brain, you know you're stronger but that doesn't mean it still didn't hurt. *Hugs* to you and I hope you are feeling better now. I know many people find sharing helps and know there are a lot of people out there who understand how you feel!

I have been cutting since I was around 11. I'm 25. I can control it better now, but sometimes my brain gets so full I haven't truthfully ever gone much more than a couple months without loosing it. It doesn't really matter how far down you shove things, or how far forward you move in life, it seems once they're in your head, they never really leave. A few weeks ago, I lost my head over something so stupid and came to with a fabulous new addition to my collection. But I slap on a smile and focus on the positive and have COMPASSION for those who lack the ability to comprehend the damage their actions and words do. They don't bring you down out of malice, they do it out of sheer of ignorance, jealousy or lack of self esteem on their end, and for that, I feel nothing but sadness for them. I would be every one of the people who contributed to my issues has issues of their own far worse than mine to react in the way they have. Two of my favorite quotes:

 

[ruffledfeathers]

Kiwi--when I was little, just pre-anorexic, about 10-11, I cut myself a few times so I 'get' how that expresses the pain and stress. My stress followed a different path and I went into the eating disorder more than cutting, but for a while I had this weird quirk of pulling out my hair to relieve stress. (I feel sorry for birds who pluck because I feel them!!)


I am also the same with having taken all the sadness and turned it into compassion. In that respect, all the 'haters' did me a favor!!! I became a better person, flawed, maybe a little bruised and scratched, but stronger.

 

[Terry57]

It seems no matter how old we get, those old hurts still fester. My mother was also hypercritical, and we did not even speak for the last 10 years or so of her life. She disowned the entire family.
Thank you for your post, you touched my heart. It is comforting to know that we are not alone in our struggles.

 

[Ducatimom]

My friend from college told me once that she had battled an eating disorder. She never really talks about it and I don't remember why she told me that exactly. She's always had self-esteem problems and I think we were talking about that. Her self-esteem has gotten higher in the last couple of years. I can kind of understand that, because of her. I never had to battle it myself, but I do understand it is hard to overcome and not something you "just get over".

My biological mother wasn't critical, she just wasn't there. She kinda took the out-of-sight, out-of-mind approach to parenting when her and my father got divorced. I lucked out in that he remarried when I was 4 or 5 and she has been a great mother. I finally made the decision to cut my biological mother out of my life. I haven't seen/talked to her since '06. I didn't take the depression route due to her negligence, but more the angry route. Blaming and resenting the way she treated me for so many years. I can very easily see how it could've gone the other way though.

You are not alone in what you have or are going through. There are going to be people who criticize and don't understand. But for every 1 of those people there are so many more who do understand because they've been there or there are those who at least can understand the pain and won't judge or criticize.

 

[labell]

Being a retired social worker I have much sympathy for these types of issues and the pain that is involved. I do however have concerns sometimes when I read these types of posts only because the information you are putting out there into cyber space stays there forever. I do hope that you are thinking about that and the possible ramifications, while I know people are not using their full names if someone wanted to know I am unsure how difficult it would be to find this information.
I hope no one takes offense or feels I am not being sensitive to these issues because that is certainly NOT the case only voicing my concerns of whether you truly want this information known to anyone who might care to look.

 

[RavensGryf]

Being a retired social worker I have much sympathy for these types of issues and the pain that is involved. I do however have concerns sometimes when I read these types of posts only because the information you are putting out there into cyber space stays there forever. I do hope that you are thinking about that and the possible ramifications, while I know people are not using there full names if someone wanted to know I am unsure how difficult it would be to find this information.
I hope no one takes offense or feels I am not being sensitive to these issues because that is certainly NOT the case only voicing my concerns of whether you truly want this information known to anyone who might care to look.

THIS exact reason is why I suggested and really hoped for a "members only" forum, as many other various website forums have. That would at least make it more 'hidden' from the whole world. Perhaps a social group created for times like this would be even more private. I'd personally like to share some stuff too, but just don't want the whole 'world wide web' and not only hundreds (thousands?) of "lurking only" members, but everyone in the world with computer access also to be able to see, just for the spectacle of it. Ironically, I don't consider myself a very private person at all "in person", but on the internet I am. Not so much even because of foul play since we don't have our personal info posted, it's just the "thought" of it for me. :52:

 

[ruffledfeathers]

I guess I don't really feel that there is truly any shame in having had sad experiences. It's just part of the human experience.


Actually I would be more likely to share the fact that I had an eating disorder than post political memes on Facebook, like everyone seems to do! I feel like those things can come back to bite you, but being human....eh, who isn't?

 

[labell]

Being a retired social worker I have much sympathy for these types of issues and the pain that is involved. I do however have concerns sometimes when I read these types of posts only because the information you are putting out there into cyber space stays there forever. I do hope that you are thinking about that and the possible ramifications, while I know people are not using there full names if someone wanted to know I am unsure how difficult it would be to find this information.
I hope no one takes offense or feels I am not being sensitive to these issues because that is certainly NOT the case only voicing my concerns of whether you truly want this information known to anyone who might care to look.

THIS exact reason is why I suggested and really hoped for a "members only" forum, as many other various website forums have. That would at least make it more 'hidden' from the whole world. Perhaps a social group created for times like this would be even more private. I'd personally like to share some stuff too, but just don't want the whole 'world wide web' and not only hundreds (thousands?) of "lurking only" members, but everyone in the world with computer access also to be able to see, just for the spectacle of it. Ironically, I don't consider myself a very private person at all "in person", but on the internet I am. Not so much even because of foul play since we don't have our personal info posted, it's just the "thought" of it for me. :52:

Here is the issues I have with that, I kept my opinions to myself when this came up before but since it has come up again I will voice my feelings on it. How would "members only" really make a difference? The internet is NOT real life and people can portray themselves any way they choose.

My husband and I have a running joke that my urn will have to be on the LARGE side to fit me and all the secrets I have kept for others and will be taking to my grave. However being a year away from 50 I know this is not how everyone handles sensitive or private confessions. I am sorry to say that years ago I learned to be very careful who I shared personal info with. Nothing hurts more than a friendship that falls away for whatever reason and suddenly things you told that person in confidence are blabbed around!

This is where I may come off as "jaded" but LOTS of people have unknown or unvoiced motives. They maybe judgmental or even spiteful. I think if you wanted to share personal info with someone on a forum that you felt a connection to why not contact and reach out to that person on a more personal level? Such as exchanging phone numbers or email. I am old fashion I LOVE real voice conversations, to me that is real. The niceties exchanged in forum format are really just that. Someone can "seem" a certain way via internet and be completely different in real life. jmho

 

[faeryphoebe1]

(((hugs)))

You are a beautiful person, inside and out. I'm so sorry that your mother is so insulting. My mother is hyper-critical and has said some of the most hateful things over the years.

I believe that some people, especially those who are extremely empathetic and compassionate find that these types of insults cut us deeper, to the core.

Peace and Love to you.♡♡♡

 

[labell]

I guess I don't really feel that there is truly any shame in having had sad experiences. It's just part of the human experience.


Actually I would be more likely to share the fact that I had an eating disorder than post political memes on Facebook, like everyone seems to do! I feel like those things can come back to bite you, but being human....eh, who isn't?

I NEVER implied there should be any sort of shame. I am the first to tell people that shame and guilt are very counter productive to finding happiness. One of the first things I used to urge is that those types of feelings be thrown to the past where they belong.
What we go through in our lives shape us as people but circumstances and experiences shouldn't absolutely define us. I am not my past, no one is their past. The future and the wonderful human spirit is limitless, to define ourselves by past events limits us, something I don't think anyone should do... we are way to awesome for that nonsense!

 

[RavensGryf]

This is where I may come off as "jaded" but LOTS of people have unknown or unvoiced motives. They maybe judgmental or even spiteful. I think if you wanted to share personal info with someone on a forum that you felt a connection to why not contact and reach out to that person on a more personal level? Such as exchanging phone numbers or email. I am old fashion I LOVE real voice conversations, to me that is real. The niceties exchanged in forum format are really just that. Someone can "seem" a certain way via internet and be completely different in real life. jmho

YES. Totally agree there. Even if a forum was made "a little" more private, it would still be for the most part public for everyone out there who signs up to see.

That's the good thing about our PM feature, and sharing email/phone to those our choice.

Sometimes I think "we" feel like if we put it (the situation) out there on the forum, we're then able to catch a larger audience of truly interested, compassionate members as a little support network. Still, I personally hesitate, and as much as I'd like to share situations, I just won't. At times I'll be pretty "open" with my replies to others' threads, but will save a 'whole story' for times away from the world wide internet.

 

[RavensGryf]

If others would like to share ANYTHING, I think it's fine if you feel comfortable. I'm not saying you're wrong at all! I'm only talking about "personally" what I feel like doing or not doing. Just wanted to clarify that.

 

[Kiwibird]

Being a retired social worker I have much sympathy for these types of issues and the pain that is involved. I do however have concerns sometimes when I read these types of posts only because the information you are putting out there into cyber space stays there forever. I do hope that you are thinking about that and the possible ramifications, while I know people are not using there full names if someone wanted to know I am unsure how difficult it would be to find this information.
I hope no one takes offense or feels I am not being sensitive to these issues because that is certainly NOT the case only voicing my concerns of whether you truly want this information known to anyone who might care to look.

I have been shouting about this for years (although not on the parrot forums, since it is not really a parrot-related topic). IN GENERAL- if someone wants to judge me or anyone else for reacting inappropriately to OTHER peoples bad behavior when they had no other means of coping, shame on you then random internet people! I guess I just feel that not many people ever liked me to begin with and would probably be pretty nasty towards me no matter what I do, so why *should* I pretend to be someone I'm not or put a whole lot of effort into being PC when talking about myself? No one else is...

I do get what you're getting at, and it is of course *voluntary* to comment and share personal things on such a public forum. (In a generalized way, not your specific comment) I'm personally tired of being made to feel *I* have to be the one who feels ashamed and that all should just be swept under the rug to save face by society at large. I'm not the only one who has to answer for my problems, and nor are anyone else who chose to comment on this thread. No one wakes up one cheerful morning and decides to begin self destructive behaviors for the hell of it (whether it's an eating disorder, self harming, drug/alcohol abuse ext...). I would personally MUCH rather someone ask me "why" rather than just stare in judgement. When I was much younger, I tried to ask for help, to explain, to get anyone at all with the ability to help to do anything, but nope, everyone just turned the blind eye and pretended there was not a problem.

I didn't ask for all the negativity to seep in or for my sense of self to be eroded away. I was a perfectly happy kid until I started school, and then I just got singled out for whatever reason to be a target. It just got worse and worse and when I tried to ask my parents for help or my teachers for help, no one cared or did anything. By 1st/2nd grade, I was already pulling out my hair, grinding my teeth, chewing my nails and fingertips...due to the stress of what I was going through every.single.day at school. Not just insults either, but pretty significant physical harm. As an adult, I have found other ways of clearing my head. All these projects I do? All driven by the same compulsion that would lead me to do harmful and negative things, but focused into doing positive things that make me happy and improve my life. And if anyone close to me is actually deaf, dumb and blind enough to have honestly never noticed I have issues before (and comes across this), they probably need the wake up call because they all seem rather "confused" by my lack of attachment.

 

[labell]

I had a little exercise that I would ask all new clients to do and that was make a list of the things they thought they were or things that defined them. It always broke my heart how many of these lists were based on the physical such as I am fat, or short, or ugly or things that were emotional/mental such as I am sad, lonely, have an eating disorder, a cutter, bi-polar. Rarely did someone write I am compassionate or funny or a good friend even though often times they were and SOOOO much more wonderful things.
ONE time I had someone write just the word "PERFECT" this woman was in remission of stage 4 cancer at the time, she was truly an amazing person, she lived 8 years past her prognosis and life expectancy. She really was perfect, because she saw herself that way others saw that in her as well. She was a joy to be around and a shining example of how we should see ourselves without having to face death to get there.

 

[labell]

Being a retired social worker I have much sympathy for these types of issues and the pain that is involved. I do however have concerns sometimes when I read these types of posts only because the information you are putting out there into cyber space stays there forever. I do hope that you are thinking about that and the possible ramifications, while I know people are not using there full names if someone wanted to know I am unsure how difficult it would be to find this information.
I hope no one takes offense or feels I am not being sensitive to these issues because that is certainly NOT the case only voicing my concerns of whether you truly want this information known to anyone who might care to look.

I have been shouting about this for years (although not on the parrot forums, since it is not really a parrot-related topic). IN GENERAL- if someone wants to judge me or anyone else for reacting inappropriately to OTHER peoples bad behavior when they had no other means of coping, shame on you then random internet people! I guess I just feel that not many people ever liked me to begin with and would probably be pretty nasty towards me no matter what I do, so why *should* I pretend to be someone I'm not or put a whole lot of effort into being PC when talking about myself? No one else is...

I do get what you're getting at, and it is of course *voluntary* to comment and share personal things on such a public forum. (In a generalized way, not your specific comment) I'm personally tired of being made to feel *I* have to be the one who feels ashamed and that all should just be swept under the rug to save face by society at large. I'm not the only one who has to answer for my problems, and nor are anyone else who chose to comment on this thread. No one wakes up one cheerful morning and decides to begin self destructive behaviors for the hell of it (whether it's an eating disorder, self harming, drug/alcohol abuse ext...). I would personally MUCH rather someone ask me "why" rather than just stare in judgement. When I was much younger, I tried to ask for help, to explain, to get anyone at all with the ability to help to do anything, but nope, everyone just turned the blind eye and pretended there was not a problem.

I didn't ask for all the negativity to seep in or for my sense of self to be eroded away. I was a perfectly happy kid until I started school, and then I just got singled out for whatever reason to be a target. It just got worse and worse and when I tried to ask my parents for help or my teachers for help, no one cared or did anything. By 1st/2nd grade, I was already pulling out my hair, grinding my teeth, chewing my nails and fingertips...due to the stress of what I was going through every.single.day at school. Not just insults either, but pretty significant physical harm. As an adult, I have found other ways of clearing my head. All these projects I do? All driven by the same compulsion that would lead me to do harmful and negative things, but focused into doing positive things that make me happy and improve my life. And if anyone close to me is actually deaf, dumb and blind enough to have honestly never noticed I have issues before (and comes across this), they probably need the wake up call because they all seem rather "confused" by my lack of attachment.

As a child, yes I agree that others must be held culpable or at least take some responsibility for not being aware. Parents and teachers have an obligation to protect and prevent or at least address and treat these types of things. However once a person becomes an adult they must begin to make decisions for themselves. While the past can't be changed how we see it can. As well as how we deal with issues in the future, obviously you have found things that help you, which is great!
Nothing was more frustrating than say a middle aged person, hell bent on wrecking their lives and using some past childhood trauma as the excuse. A person can have been a victim without continuing to be that victim, that is a choice that you have to consciously make.

 

[thekarens]

I can't speak for anyone else, but I'd rather stab myself in the eye than talk on the phone. I'm on the phone at work. When I get home I like email or messaging or whatever. You can ask anyone who knows me. I won't answer the phone with the exception of my mother and kids. Everyone else knows to send me a text message.

 

[FluffyYellowBird]

Thank you for your post. I hope you feel better soon.

The members on this forum are so warm and friendly. It's a great comfort to know we are not alone.