Bond forming

[Auggie's Dad]

"Many members often ask similar questions so perhaps a preemptive strike against some of them would be in order.

There are several issues that are no problem to re-explain fresh to each new parrot owner - but then there are others where it feels like a little part of me dies each time I read the questions. I'd like to address the latter ones here. I apologize in advance for any points that seem abrupt or harsh, but reality-checks and tact don't often work well together. But let me also say that this is not directed at any one person... it is directed at MANY, as I have seen this question over and over and over:

"I have had my new parrot for 12 full hours and he is not ready to commit himself completely to me in a deep loving relationship for the rest of his life yet! What's wrong with him?"

Perhaps I'm exaggerating a small bit - but not much.

What does it mean if someone dives into a relationship to quickly? We have not-so-pleasant names for it when a human does so. What would it sound like if a guy came home after a first date angry that he didn't get [the physical intimacy he expected]: "I bought her dinner, gave her flowers, and we spent the whole night together, but she wasn't going to devote her life fully to me and put out yet! What's wrong with her?!" A bit of a sickening sentiment isn't it?

Why should it be less sickening when it's in reference to a parrot? Such sentiments say nothing about the parrot, but rather something about how the person sees the parrot: as property, as an object, not as another being with which to build a relationship.

Strong bonds take time, effort, and patience. I really am at a loss on how to respond to people who expect them to form over night. I can't help but contemplate how this is also a statement on our society in general where most marriages end in divorce and many people are not treated the way they should be but are rather treated only as objects and property.

Wake the hell up people, if you want sudden and immediate, unconditional and unquestioning love from something that will do exactly what you want when you want without requiring any investment from you then either get a stuffed plush-toy or find religion; or perhaps seek out the root of the problem which, if the psychologists are right, lies in your own self-esteem or self-image"

 

[TexDot33]

GREAT GREAT GREAT Post ... AD is perfectly right. And I have to back him up on this. New owners of parrots can expect to have their healthy parrot from anywhere from 1 to 100 years. There is no need to rush the physical bonding of this relationship.

Think about this: as humans, when we first meet someone how long does it take us to trust whole-heartedly that new individual. And on the flip side of that, think how easily that trust could be lost.

Parrots are no different than humans when it comes to this aspect. Did many of you know that many parrots form mated pair bonds that LAST FOR THEIR ENTIRE PHYSICAL LIVES! These creatures are devoted to their mates, and their flocks because, it is a necessary means of survival for them.

My wife and I are going to be having a baby soon - I am so looking forward to getting to know our child - learning what she will like, what she isn't going to like, how she will want to be comforted when she is sick, or hurt. I can't wait to watch her grow-up and be with her every step of the way. Are these things going to be accomplished in a few hours, or even in a few days, after her birth - no! These are things that are going to take, arguably, a LIFETIME to learn and I don't want to rush through these steps and just have her give her trust to me, because I haven't earned it.

This is the mentality that all new parrot owners should take. Don't rush to form the trust bond, you just might miss the pleasures of the "ride" if you rush to the destination.

:50:

P.S. I am making this thread a "sticky" because I really think this topic is THAT important!

 

[Spiritbird]

I couldn't agree more with both of you wise fellows. As a new parrot guardian I can both feel and see evidence of the bonding process evolving. Trust is a fragile thing, be it between people or parrots and guardians. I feel so humbled by and greatful for the opportunity to be a whitness to Rosie's maturation. Our current world is full of "instant gratification" efforts - this does not work when it comes to mother nature and parrot bonding. Parrot bonding is real and there are no divorce courts (although some may feel there are). Hence the Parrots Bill of Rights.

 

[RedsDad]

it took 3 long years before my amazon would let me pick her with out biting me, I never gave up and now we have a loving relationship that I would not trade for any thing, all good things come in time and a few bite along the way

Reds Dad

 

[Tumbala's Girl]

I guess I shouldn't be suprised that people think they should get instant love from an animal but they are obviously people that know nothing about relationships. I'm also not suprised that people think they can divorce an animal. I just don't understand how anyone can do that! All of my animals are part of my family! I couldn't give up any of my cats or hammys or even Tumbala (even though he's very new to our family...he's now part of the family). They are like my kids! Tumbala's first owner had him for 9 1/2 years. I would think they had to be bonded. He slept with her at night! But she gave him up because her boyfriend said it was him or the bird and she chose him. They aren't together anymore but she never came back for Tumbala. She just dumped him on an old lady that couldn't give him the attention that he needed. That's how we got him...lucky us! He will be ours for the rest of his life. Even if we are having a few issues...we will work those out over time. I was lucky because Tumbala really wanted to be with me but my husband is working really hard and patiently to gain Tumbala's trust. I know he will get there eventually. Again this seems to be a long post so I will end this with a quick question...What is the Parrot Bill Of Rights?

 

[Auggie's Dad]

Bill of rights:
http://www.parrotforums.com/general-parrot-information/300-parrots-bill-rights.html

 

[DustyDusky]

I totally agree with this! I worked with my conure in the store for a few months before i could get the money to buy him. I want to ensure that it would work out between Dusty, and my family so my family would come with me every few days to meet him. I also read just about all conure related things I could find. A lot of people don't realize the commitment they are jumping into.

 

[Beilana]

I LOVE LOVE LOVE this post as well as the Bill of Rights. Excellent things to go by. Some people wonder why Im on this forum before I even have my bird well theres the answer! Research and knowledge is one of the most important things before bringing any animal home, especially one with particular needs.

 

[antoinette]

I LOVE LOVE LOVE this post as well as the Bill of Rights. Excellent things to go by. Some people wonder why Im on this forum before I even have my bird well theres the answer! Research and knowledge is one of the most important things before bringing any animal home, especially one with particular needs.

"High Five" to you......
Wish many more people would follow in your footsteps

 

[Dj tweet]

I'm following !
I've had birds in past and although I loved them and spent time with them etc I realise now I never really respected them for the beautiful creatures they are
they were in my home but not part of my home and I belive now that this is where the problems that led to them being on sold stemed from
I'm not proud to admit that but I know that by being able to admit it I will not make the same mistake again
I look forward to sharing my life love and family with my alexandrine baby once he is ready
I will not make my own mistakes again and will promise to work my hardest to Be his forever home despite whatever problems come our wAY
I know I always have the forum and it's lovely members for guidance

 

[parrotqueen]

AD, is there any way I can thank you twice?

 

[Spiritbird]

Sure PQ I think AD would love a 3 week vacation in the carribbean all expenses paid by the forum of course.

 

[Bobby34231]

Finally! an old thread revived that actually has worth and substance!! :09: its a shame that you can't make the "A Parrot's Bill Of Rights" required reading before being able to join the forum

 

[Beilana]

Finally! an old thread revived that actually has worth and substance!! :09: its a shame that you can't make the "A Parrot's Bill Of Rights" required reading before being able to join the forum

How about required reading before you buy a parrot!

Strong bonds take a looong time. Even with dogs who are generally very loyal and loving from the beginning. I have had my dog for 10 years and our bond has changed and grown over the years.
Hiroshi used to be extremely nippy when I first brought him home and now its not even an issue!

Patience really is a virtue and hopefully something all animal caregivers find within themselves.

 

[wildheart]

its a shame that you can't make the "A Parrot's Bill Of Rights" required reading before being able to join the forum

How about required reading before you buy a parrot!

I couldnt agree more, but not only for parrots, but ALL animals! I see so many dumped iguanas that I really find it hard to not hate people. They do not cost much BUT cost THOUSANDS to keep properly. Most 'pets' only live they dont thrive.

I just wish Sterretjie brought a manual with when she arrived at my house - it would have been so much easier.

 

[Quantumcat]

I think people that have only had dogs but not cats will be more likely to be the sort of person the OP is talking about. A dog will love anybody who will let it even if they hit it with a stick.

 

[Ecclipse]

I totally agree with you AD, I just winced a bit when you referred to religion being something that does not need any investment and input from a person's side. I apologise if I misread it and you meant something else

 

[Vivica]

I grew up in a household where my mother beat our golden retriever with a broom, and she'd still come after you and try and play. Looking back, it's sad. . . Now she has eight dogs and it really makes me upset. She would scream back at Wrnts when he screamed, so my parrot developed a "fight or flight" response to it all. He bit for years because of that. She even talked about giving him away, she couldn't take him anymore. I begged and begged, since I was still a minor--to keep him, and she did. But man, did he chew up some door frames! Now he lives with me and my fiancee, and we'd never think of even screaming back at him. He really is a good bird, and likes his alone time-- but we're always in the room with him except at nighttime.

Sorry for that little rant--had to get it out.

 

[Von1983]

Totally agree.

I started researching sunnies 5yrs ago when I fell in love with one in the pet shop. Parrots are so different to other pets I have or have had before and despite reading what feels like a million points of view, she STILL surprises me! I've probably asked dopey questions myself but obviously after just under a month, I won't be able to read her at all times....like thinking she might be grooming me because she was standing on my finger WHILE biting it - no - she was biting to assert her independance lol.

It's all one massive learning curve that I believe doesn't end until your pet passes away.

I'm afraid I'll always ask questions and seek reassurance because just like all my other babies, I love Cal too much not to check and double check that I'm doing the best by her.

As for those who give pets away....please....don't get me started. The only time they would leave me is if I'm dead in the ground.

On the parrot lifespan subject, my mum raised a good point. She's 68 this year and knows someone her age who bought a macaw. How heartbroken will this bird be when it's "should have known better" owner dies?

 

[Quantumcat]

I grew up in a household where my mother beat our golden retriever with a broom, and she'd still come after you and try and play.

Wow, I didn't think when I wrote what I wrote that there were people that actually DID hit their dog with a stick!! You poor thing! That must have been so traumatising! You must have thanked your lucky starts when she didn't end up giving the bird away, and you got to inherit it and finally give it a proper loving home.