Between a rock and a hard place

[WideO]

I’m embarrassed to ask, and before you have a go at me: I feel extremely guilty for even asking this question.

After 3 years trying to mend the relation between my parrot and my wife, and finally succeeding (documented elsewhere on this forum) I have been informed last week that ... my marriage is over.

This means I’ll have to move, to a smaller place, rent.. (may or may not accept pets).

Oscar is a 6 year old Senegal, and a wonderful friend. We have a deep bond, and he is happy. He already lost one of his pals 2 years ago (our choc lab) and, today, our last cat, Benjamin. Our remaining lab is 14 and heading for the exit too, so another loss for him (and me) will happen soon.

He will also lose my wife’s company.

And now I wonder if ... I need to give him a new chance/life, or not, and it’s destroying my soul. My wife will not have the time for him; she works long hours, has to travel a lot for work, and although their relation is now “better”, it is nowhere near strong enough.

I on the other hand will live alone, will have to work again, so he’d be alone in his cage, without his plethora of pets, for long periods of time per day. Parrots handle this very poorly, as you know. He does not mind to spend a few hours alone, but every day...

A loving family with kids & dogs & noise would be a lot better for him. Do not get me wrong: I love him to bits. It’s mutual. But how unfair would this new situation be to him?

I assure you this is not a troll post. I am numb right now, with a heart in a 1000 pieces. I am trying to do the right thing for him, but any which way I look at it, it blows.

My gut feeling (and I assume my wife’s too) would be that I keep him/take him with me. But is that even fair to the little guy?

What would you do? Give it a try and see how he fares? Start looking for a family and hope he’ll forget me? Any option I just fail to see?

Please do not think about what is best for me; think what would be best for him.
I just don’t see clearly right now, and I’m in a lot of pain. Losing him too would be a nightmare. But nevertheless he deserves the best possible solution.

Can they forget/start over?

Help, please. I have a few months to take a decision, but at some point I’ll need to bite this bullet. I will carefully read & consider any and all advice or thoughts.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

 

[Squeekmouse]

I truly believe the best thing for Oscar is for him to stay with his loving Parront even if it IS just you and he. When parrots get re-homed, it far too often ends poorly for the bird. Even if he's alone in his cage for 8-10 hours per day, 5 days per week, he'll have you around on evenings and mornings and weekends. Moreover, having gone through a divorce myself, I have no doubt that Oscar would be very very good for YOU to have in your life, during these dark times.

I think you both need each other now, more than ever.

 

[dhraiden]

Work it however you can that you two stay together. He needs you, and you him.

 

[WideO]

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. (I mean that)

Although I really would love more opinions, you touch on something fundamental I fear about rehoming - even in the best of all possible worlds.

Parrots are not dogs, and they are not cats. Oscar and I share hundreds of little routines, games, call-response interactions, rituals, words, jokes, laughs... He knows how long I’ll be gone, because I tell him and through some miracle he understands. So he says “See you later!” when I even just put on my shoes. He sulks when I’m late. It goes so deep people think I’m crazy when I talk about him. We do whisper games. Or shouting games. He sometimes tries to make me mad and then tells himself off before I can react (“OSCAR NO!!!!” imitating my voice...)

He is cat like in that he starts grinding when I talk softly to him. Almost like purring. Eyes fluttering...

Putting him to sleep is a 5 minute highly scripted affair...

He knows when we cook spaghetti (how on earth????) and calls it “spaggy spaggy!”. He loves green grapes and hates blue ones.

He alerts us when he sees strange cats in the garden (but never when it was one of ours...)

All that would be gone for the both of us... I’d need to write a 100 page manual for the new owners. And even then... he may just not accept losing me too.

He would not prevent me from travelling as he loves being in the car... And maybe I can work from home a few days per week.

Could that be “enough”?

Just thinking out loud.

 

[bug_n_flock]

Yes. It can be enough. You can make it work. I'm so sorry for what you are going thru now. I hope you are able to find the light at the end of this tunnel.

 

[Squeekmouse]

I'd say it's more than enough. Certainly it's more than most parrots have.

Besides, these dark times will pass. Perhaps in a few years you will be in a new relationship with a new job, at home more often, with others in the house who share your love for Oscar... Things change, life goes through ups and down. Oscar will be alive for a long time, even a couple of years is really not much in the long run.

 

[Laurasea]

I'm sorry you are going through this turmoil.
I had a reset moment years ago. I had given up a lot and compromised a ton. When the relationship ended, I decided to pursue my dream job, dream location to live. It took a few years to accomplish, but I couldn't be more thrilled with the direction my life took after that detour! It's the perfect time to reinvent yourself, when you are no longer the reflection in someone else's eyes.

As for your parrot...I'm home nearly 24/7 and I love on them , feed the yummies. And yet I even worry it's not enough, like I feel they need an outdoor avairy , like I should spend more time training tricks, making forage stuff....what I'm saying is for our fids we feel like it's never enough!

No life is static, change happens. Your baby might love being the center of your world.

If you had to re-home, and you carefully choose his new psrronts. Yes it can work out l as well, he would learn new rituals, and new things. I worked in conservation, and parrots can loose a mate and bond with a new one, there are also examples of established pairs that have been together for decades calling it quits, and finding new mates. There are near enough studies done on wild parrots, or enough long-term ones done.
I worked with some endanger cranes that live 70 years and pair bond for life, well we had to move in a young pair temporary with a pair that had been together 40 years, they ended up swapping mates!!!!! The old pair hadn't had chicks, but we fostered double clutch chicks with them that raised. Well low and behold the new pair the old female young male did have chicks...
Ok I rambled...
It'll work out. It's going to be uncomfortable , weird, different as you go through such lfe changes... But I'm hoping you find as much joy starting over ac I did

 

[Squeekmouse]

I have to agree with what Laurasea says... There were two huge catastrophes I have had to deal with in my adult life, one was my divorce, the other was when my husband (the new one, the forever one ) and I both lost our jobs in the same month. In both times I was devastated and terrified. It was difficult to have any hope. However, both of these events resulted in the best things in my life coming to be. If I hadn't gotten the divorce, I would never have met my current husband, my best friend and soulmate. If I hadn't lost my job, I would never have changed careers and therefor be where I am now, in a job I love that I get to work from home.

Sometimes the worst events lead to the greatest outcomes. Grieve, but do not despair.

 

[wrench13]

Please keep him. I think it will be best for BOTH of you. These days everyone I know is divorced at least once, including me. He will give you solace and center in ths time of upheaval, and you will do the same for him. Alone time for parrots can be improved by providing a variety of in cage chew toys, and lots of parrots respond well to videos shown on flat screen TVs ( not tube type), YouTube is a great entertainer.

Good luck and please feel free to post about anything that makes you feel better!

 

[Jen5200]

I’m with everyone else - you two will both be better together. Is it perfect that you have to work - no, but many of us work outside the home and have found ways to manage it. Is it different - yes, but that doesn’t mean “worse”. You’ll both adjust, and you’ll both find ways to make it work and you’ll adjust together. And know that we’ll be here to help, support and provide ideas if you run into bumps in the new road .

 

[GaleriaGila]

Oh, I am so so so sorry. Yes, I'm siding with folks here in hoping you can keep him. I agree that you both need each other. My little darling demon has been with me through divorce, remarriage, different jobs, many moves... he's my touchstone, and I am the only love he has ever had.
In any event, follow your heart.
And stay with us.
I hope you'll allow us to offer you support.
Again, I am truly sorry.
Best of luck to you and Oscar.

 

[WideO]

I'm not ashamed to admit I teared up when I read all your replies... (and while typing this).


So that is settled: we go together. We make it work.



I do not have the time right now to reply to each post, but I will later.



Two quick things:


. I would love to read more about parrot behaviour in the wild from a scientific perspective. I have always studied non-verbal communication in animals, and maybe I looked in the wrong places, but could not find much literature on parrots specifically



. Just before reading the post from Wrench13, I had been thinking "what if I do something with a remote IT system, an app, and an LED screen? I'm in bloody IT, I should be able to set up a remote 2 way comm system!" Oscar reacts to voices on the phone. In fact, so much so that he often imitates a phone conversation.



He makes up gibberish that sounds like real Dutch (our native language), and he talks for a bit - voice going high, low, some giggles, some real words, coughing, - then pauses, then starts up again. We tell him "put down the phone Oscar, you know what that costs?" It's hilarious BTW, and he loves being the clown (not really a surprise with parrots eh...).


He also watches TV... so...



Anyway, I slept for 10 hours straight, and your posts made a huge difference in how I see the future. The guilt of that "Sophie's Choice" plus just having buried Benjamin, our last cat (we used to have 6), with my own hands a few hours before my first post was crushing me. Even though my timing of calling the vet was about as close to 100% as it gets, you still feel guilty for ending a life - even if it was absolutely totally the right and merciful choice.


Our remaining Lab knew what was happening, but Oscar seemed to ignore it. But when I finally had the courage to go out and bury him next to all his brothers & sisters, I carefully picked him up, opened the door, and heard "BENJAMIN!!!!!!!" Yup, Oscar. In a voice I never heard him use. An extremely worried tone. Make of that what you will...



Will reply more personally shortly, but you probably have no idea how much this helped me.



Thank you.

 

[noodles123]

I am sorry you are dealing with all if this

For a reasonable rate, you can find rental homes that accept pets. Townhouses or duplexes may be something else to consider. I worry about my bird in apartments due to noise and fumes, BUT it has been done (I have done it). It is just more stressful and more risky than living at your own place.
Check out rental properties and if you look hard, you will be shocked at what you find (depending on your area).

 

[LaManuka]

I’m so sorry you’re going through all this upheaval, but the only thing I can think of that would make it even worse is for you to be going through it without Oscar. As others have quite rightly said these dark times will pass and when they do you will be so thankful that you decided to keep him with you. The two of you need each other now more than ever!

 

[bug_n_flock]

So I'll share a bit more. Some here know some of my story.



A few years ago I fled an abusive domestic situation. I had 3 birds at the time: Alex my tiel, Heshe my amazon, and Adrian my lovebird. My parents agreed to take me in, but only 1 bird: Alex. I didn't have the luxury of taking another housing situation, I had nothing to fall back on. And whe I say fled, I mean fled. I even had a knife pulled on me during an arguement. I would have died had I stayed and that is not an exxageration. He killed pets of mine, too. And his first words when I told him by phone that I wasn't coming back was "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to retaliate".



I literally, 6+ years later, am still looking for my Heshe. Used to just scan craigslist, now we are looking into the practicality of a Private Investigator. I told that bird I'd have him for the rest of his life, now I just want him back.



Probably the worst part is my dad was the one who said I could only bring Alex due to noise reasons. My dad died suddenly only a few months after I moved in with them. It was a very, very dark time.


Sorry if TMI. I just figured I'd also give a story from the "rehoming" side. Know that 6+ years after giving up my Amazon it still eats at my soul and I just wonder where he is. Is he still where he was? Has he been rehomed a billion times? Is he fed proper? Let out of the cage? Does anyone take him for car rides or play Stevie Wonder for him? Is he surrounded by orange blocks of wood and healthy snacks? Stigh.



Keep Oscar if possible, you both will be better off for it.




As far as TV goes, I agree with that. Hima, our special needs budgie, most definitely watches TV. Her cage is usually on the couch or she is with us, often on the couch. She is a TOTAL TV junkie. Hahaha never seen an animal watch it like she does.




How are you holding up today?

 

[WideO]

What a story... I’m so sorry. Abuse is horrible, being afraid for your life, having to leave 2 of your dear friends behind. Damn. Although I haven’t been treated fairly, I would never dream of becoming violent or retaliating. That’s a whole other level of hurt and anguish. I know exactly what you mean wondering where the bird is, how it’s doing... I hope you still find your buddy.

I’m picking my wife up at the airport tomorrow. I don’t believe in revenge or pettiness. Nevertheless, she did break my heart, no doubt about it. I am properly mad at her. But I have my dignity, so no drama, no tears that she can see. (it’s also better for the pets that way...)

We have been together for 28 years FWIW, but the last few years have been hard. Like we really grew apart. It happens I guess. Never cheated on her, never even looked at other women. That’s just not for me. I still love her, I still think she’s beautiful, and that will never change. OTOH I know this is where I get off, this was too much to forgive. There’s no going back.

Funny how Oscar had picked up on her being away more; that’s why he switched “mates”.

I’m doing slightly better, thanks. Done physical work all day, and felt calmer knowing there will be a way to keep Oscar. But I’d lie if I said I’m OK; I’m not.

Dog is searching his buddy. Oscar is asking “where’s Benjamin?”. So it’s all still a bit raw.

So... starting again with someone else is something I can’t even imagine right now. I first need to take stock, reinvent my life - as quite a few of you have shared and suggested. Find a place, make it my own... I’m lucky I have a few very loyal friends, which helps. I also want to find a band again and get on stage. I may be a tad older, but playing music is still my passion. I will lose my grand piano (and a lot more) but that just goes on the pile of doodoo I’ll have to accept. It’s only stuff in the end.

Life’s irony: although Oscar speaks some words in my voice, most of them are in my wife’s. He does her laughter and coughs pitch perfect. The giggling is so realistic it’s impossible to discern blindfolded. So I’ll never really get rid of her in a way. (I can see the funny side of it, you have to admit it’s life having a laugh).

I was going to write more, but I don’t have the energy yet. I’ll get up and dust off, but it will take some time.

Apologies if I haven’t replied personally to every post. Rest assured I carefully read and processed them. There’s a bunch of nice people on this forum, that’s for sure!

I’ll be back. Thanks again.

Edit: the signature about the Belgian upstart made me laugh - I’m one of those too.

 

[Laurasea]

" I would love to read more about parrot behaviour in the wild from a scientific perspective. I have always studied non-verbal communication in animals, and maybe I looked in the wrong places, but could not find much literature on parrots specifically. "

I used to have access to professional only zoological journals, and veterinary medicine publication and conservation journals. As I'm out of the profession now I can't access them to share. . Bummer. I might have some in storage. I need to find a way to store and share the stuff I do find online.

I'm so glad the parrot forum community could really around you and provide comfort!!

You are rightly in shock , and will go up and down in your emotions. Of course you feel angry, betrayed, sad , overwhelmed, and still feeling love. While a lot of us shared the light at the end of the tunnel, we didn't get there immediately. It took some time, it took some just allowing yourself to wallow a bit in grief, or anger, all of it. I had some fear myself, as I had to move a thousand miles away to a new start. I had to learn to selfishly gaurd my dreams and not put another persons dreams ahead if mine. I did acheive my goals , but it took a few years to get there! Take care of yourself, and spoil yourself a little at first. Big hugs!

 

[WideO]

As far as TV goes, I agree with that. Hima, our special needs budgie, most definitely watches TV. Her cage is usually on the couch or she is with us, often on the couch. She is a TOTAL TV junkie. Hahaha never seen an animal watch it like she does.

Special needs animals never stop to amaze me. Benjamin, the cat who just died, was special needs. I had helped him deliver (well, his mum did all the work, but wanted me next to her, she came and get me when it was time). When he was born with 4 sisters, he seemed to be unable to find a nipple, and the mom quickly rejected him. 120 grams at birth, he went back to ... 80 grams after a few days. Vet told us to forget it. Me - but especially my wife, fair is fair - were stubborn, found a special formula, and bottle fed him.


Benjamin survived, and weighed 8 kg during most of his adult life (and was still skinny...) His tail was numb - I could stand on it with my 100kg and he would not notice (as we found out by mistake ), and he only had about 40% control of his hind legs. Yet he managed to climb trees or walk over very narrow edges. Not pretty, but he DID it. 5 days before his passing he still was up on his favorite fence, 2 meters up. We could not believe our eyes.


16 years and 10 months instead of 1 week, you can't say we stole his life! (and yet it still hurt like a, ahem). He was so gentle... a stranger could come in, and he would come and ask to be petted.



Anyway, just to say that I'm really starting to like the idea of a parrot-cam/com.

 

[WideO]

I used to have access to professional only zoological journals, and veterinary medicine publication and conservation journals. As I'm out of the profession now I can't access them to share. . Bummer. I might have some in storage. I need to find a way to store and share the stuff I do find online.

Some days I want to go back to college, to have all that access again. But if you can find anything at all (no rush), then yes, I would love to read it.

I'm so glad the parrot forum community could really around you and provide comfort!!

I wonder if in general it takes a specific kind of human to bond with parrots. They are not the easiest pets, you need patience, empathy, and observational skills, but when it clicks it is sooo rewarding. But yes, again, this has helped me enormeously. I would a) be kidding myself when thinking I'd had found a great foster family and all would be well and b) would always wonder/worry what happened to him. If they still did a final peekaboo after putting him to rest (blankets over cage - pretty oversized cage for a Senegal I might add )?
But yes, it helped me greatly (and seems almost unanymous!)

You are rightly in shock , and will go up and down in your emotions. Of course you feel angry, betrayed, sad , overwhelmed, and still feeling love. While a lot of us shared the light at the end of the tunnel, we didn't get there immediately. It took some time, it took some just allowing yourself to wallow a bit in grief, or anger, all of it. I had some fear myself, as I had to move a thousand miles away to a new start. I had to learn to selfishly gaurd my dreams and not put another persons dreams ahead if mine. I did acheive my goals , but it took a few years to get there! Take care of yourself, and spoil yourself a little at first. Big hugs!

All true and noted. And as much as I am a control freak, and would love to be a rational human, Mr. Spock I am not. So I'm bobbing on these waves of anger/sadness/numbness/love/determination, just trying to get through it all.


One thing I've learned is to indeed spoil myself, and that is exactly what I am doing. And as much as I dread the next 2 to 3 months (Edie, the Labrador, will not make it past this New Year for sure), I'll tackle that when it happens.

Thanks for the virtual hugs!

 

[LaManuka]

Edit: the signature about the Belgian upstart made me laugh - I’m one of those too.

Wonderful, then my job here is done

I will be going through yet another phase of “reinvention” myself soon when I’m made redundant AGAIN for the third time, although three redundancies in 28 years probably isn’t so bad. Still it’s no fun going through it all again and seeing how badly many of my colleagues are adversely impacted by it since we are all losing our jobs through no fault of our own.

Therefore i shall be reinventing myself as Full Time Domestic Goddess and taking care of my little feathered family for the foreseeable future (ooh nice bit of alliteration there!) - this whole “working for the man” thing has lost all of it’s appeal, if it ever had any that is!