Need some advice about Trigger

Hi Folks,

The short version of this post:
Trigger is very affectionate and cuddly with me, but not so much with my husband. We'd really appreciate any advice or suggestions or even just well-wishes to try to help Trigger accept my husband's love and affection the way he accepts mine. It would break both of our hearts if we let this get out of hand and Trigger becomes a one person bird with me. I'd rather he be a one person bird with my husband (Wolf) over me, if that was the only alternative, but we really want him to just be equally attached to both of us.

The long version, all of the background details:
As I've previously posted, we have a new fid in the family; our CAG named Trigger. He was hatched August 21, 2018 so he's just a baby still. He wasn't fully weaned when we first brought him home, so we continued to feed him formula. (I don't want to dwell too much on this subject, I know it's controversial and there are a lot of strong feelings about bringing home an unweaned bird.) A few days after we brought him home we thought he was no longer wanting formula, but we continued offering it to be sure and indeed he wasn't done with it after all. We kept giving him formula for a few more weeks, this last Sunday was the last day we offered it to him. For a week he would only take a sip (if that) before rejecting it, so Monday morning we skipped the formula and he didn't seem to miss it one bit. He eats very well, his weight has been steadily gaining, and our CAV says he is a healthy, happy bird.

Trigger was born to a pair of CAG's owned by a woman who keeps her birds in huge outdoor aviaries in Southern California. She let the parents raise and feed the babies initially and when they were old enough to leave the nest, she took over the hand-feeding but kept the babies in a cage right up against the parent's cage. Trigger is a very sweet, loving, gentle bird. He seemed to like us both the day we met him, and once we brought him home he adjusted well and seemed to accept us as his family. We both took part in the formula feeding about equally, and after each time he would get a shower with Wolf afterwards that Trigger truly enjoys. Now that Trigger is weaned, he still gets the morning showers that he loves so much.

Right from the start, Trigger seemed to recognize that I was the provider of food, probably because the woman that raised him had a similar build and similar hair as mine. Probably also because I prepared the food and brought it to him. I'm a naturally affectionate, cuddly kinda person and I'm the one who handles all of the cleaning, and I've been giving him snuggles and scritches and petting constantly. He accepted this hesitantly at first, but warmed up to me fairly easily. Sometimes he is more receptive, sometimes less, naturally. The problem is, he isn't as accepting of Wolf's attempts to pet him and handle him. If I am there with him, Trigger accepts Wolf's handling equally to mine, but otherwise he usually moves away after just brief contact. He's not afraid of Wolf at all, he just seems to prefer me. If I leave the room, he usually comes flying after me. He rarely does this to Wolf. If we are in the same room he usually leaves Wolf to fly over to me instead.

I work from home, so for the first few weeks after we brought Trigger home, I was here all the time with him, my husband only here evenings and weekends with him. I'm sure this was a contributing factor. We're both on winter break now (starting about a week ago), so now he has us both home nearly all day, every day.

Starting about a week ago, we have Wolf be the one to bring him his food and give him treats and such. Wolf does all of the training and honestly, he's with Trigger more than I am now. I think Trigger is slowly (very slowly) warming up to Wolf because of this, but Trigger still seems to prefer me.

I want to do anything and everything possible to help Trigger be a two-person bird, or at least favor my husband over me. I don't want to do the wrong things and make it worse though, so I'm turning to you all for help.

Should I back off and stop handling Trigger at all, so that he can build a bond and love with Wolf instead? Or should I cuddle and pet him just as much to encourage Trigger to enjoy love and cuddles more in general?

Should I only cuddle and pet Trigger when he is in Wolf's arms and also being cuddle by him, to try to encourage him to like this even when I am not around?

What can Wolf do to win Trigger's love and acceptance the way I seem to have earned so quickly? (Other than making Wolf wear my clothes and a wig so he looks more like me )

Thank you all for any help!

Hmm this is a hard one!

I feel as though some birds, based on who raised them, prefer a certain gender. So your grey may very well have a preference for women, their voices, their hair, their mannerisms can be very very different from a man, so that could be it. I often get a high-pitched baby voice when I talk to my animals (its involuntary lol!) and so I feel as though they sense a difference betwnen men and women that way too.

When you say you pet and cuddle him, are you being wary of what is appropriate and what areas to avoid? It's just that some people have no idea petting along the back or anywhere on the body besides the head is stimulating hormonal behavior, so just thought I'd ask.

I don't think you should stop handling him but your husband should maybe be the person who gives all treats. Especially if he has a favorite one he likes. Walk by the cage, have husband give him a treat as he coos praise and walk away before he has a chance to decide if he wants to move away or not.

Some parrots just have a favorite... and I think sometimes there is no forcing that to change. They will like who they like for reasons we don't know and so loving and accepting him for who he chooses may be the best decision here.

My advise is to have your husband prepare and give him food as much as possible. Have your husband be the one who handles him the most and gives him treats from now on to get Triggers to identify your husband is someone worth his time also. Perhaps have your husband spend one on one time with Trigger doing his favorite activity and in a different room where they can't see you. Only let your husband do that activity with Trigger so he looks forward to spending time with him.

As he is a baby I don't think his preference is set. When he gets a little older he could actually switch from you the surrogate parent to your husband as babies leave parents to choose bond mate... I guess I would say your husband should be the first person he sees in the morning, and the person to do the morning food. And husband to do all treats, husband to be the one to take him out of the cage, and you the person to put him back into the cage. When you have in the snuggle mood pass him to husband. Also reward every time he looks at husband, reward every time he takes a step towards husband, sort of like Target training to husband. Husband always the one to rescue the bird , like if he flutters to floor husband rescue him from the floor. Husband is the one who had nuts hidden on his person, I hear those pistachio are Grey favorites , so husband can have them in his pocket, in his hair, on his lap...lol he can become the pistachio tree!!

Some parrots do have a favorte person but that does not mean that Wolf can't have a relationship with Trigger. Wolf should be the one to offer the very most favorite treat. Have him talk to Trigger and show him tricks, and work with him away from the cage area. Salty started out not liking my wife Geri at all, but 3 year later, she can give him scratches and do tricks with him. Just takes time and a lot of patience.

My son and I feed our CAG. I am the one that takes her out of her cage.
I am the one that takes her for her Red Butt Shower.
.
..
…
My wife is the only one my CAG will let scratch her.
I hope this will change after she goes through puberty. I think she is going through this now. I wish I could change her relationship with my wife.
Mostly because my wife is beak a phobic and gets scared of Bella anytime the bird starts getting too close to her face.

Actually...I think you are overthinking it a bit.
You brought home a semi-helpless baby and you were there all the time, you were the one that provided food, physical contact and companionship.

Then there is "that guy" that pops in now and then.
So maybe a flockmate?
But the parent-away-from-the-parent (human and birdy-wise) was you.


There may be a good chance that after puberty Bella will totally 'get away from the parent' and decide to steal your mate. It would not be the first time it happens.
Or maybe she knows enough not to want to mate with humans and will just settle down as a flockmember. (the last one would be my preference for everyone involved)


So..your baby is getting a bit more independent and is starting to interact outside the parent-baby relation, that is great.
Just do not force anything-- if she wants to be with you fine...but hubby has the nice munchy treats... (hint).



Try to get her socialized a bit more (friends/ family/vet etc.).
You are in the "everything is new"-phase for the next year and a half so she can be easily taught every usefull thing she will ever need.
(After that she will be just as smart, but a bit more stubborn about things )



(small example: I always let my guests feed the birds treats when they arrive - if they dare of course => my birds love visitors. It is that easy! And when they get treats, most of the time they also want interaction ...< up close and personall with those guests> that is fine too.
Of course the amount of devoured treats get compensated with the normal meals, but I think being able to socialize beats a strict dietplan )

Great thread, great ideas.
Good for you for getting on this issue so early.

You might also consider backing off on cuddling because you are obviously the preferred party (as opposed to your husband). By cuddling etc, you may be strengthening his perception of you as a mate. That having been said, he will probably always prefer you, but that isn't to say that he can't get to a point where he likes you both.

I've always held the opinion that when it comes right down to it, there is absolutely no rhyme or reason why parrots choose "their person". It's not at all uncommon for a couple to bring home a baby parrot with one of them being the person who actually wants the bird, they want the bird to be "their bird", while the other spouse may be supportive or not. And the spouse who wanted the bird does absolutely everything for the bird, they feed the bird, are home all day long with the bird while the other spouse is away at work, they play with the bird and spend all day long with bird, and for whatever reason the bird chooses the other spouse who wasn't the one who wanted to bring the bird home in the first place...And this often causes a ton of stress in relationships and marriages, especially if the spouse that the bird chose as "their person" wants nothing to do with the bird...That's a horrible situation to be in. But the bottom-line is that for whatever reason, the bird chose them and that's just how it is...

Your bird is still quite young, but from what you describe it does sound like he has chosen you as "his person". That doesn't mean that your husband isn't a part of his "Flock", he is, and it doesn't mean that your bird doesn't like your husband. A lot of people take this choice personally and it hurts them, which is understandable, but again, there is hardly ever any rhyme or reason as to why they choose who they choose. What you don't want to do is to reject your bird or push him away yourself to try to influence him to "choose" your husband instead, because that isn't how this usually works, and you could end-up causing your bird psychological and behavioral issues, since he has chosen you as his person...The last thing you want to do is to upset him/stress him out because you're purposely not spending as much time with him or suddenly he is being forced to be with your husband when he wants to be with you, because that's how things like plucking, self-mutilation, and overall depression can start, along with generalized aggression. So I don't at all suggest that you do anything differently than what you've been doing as far as the amount of time you spend with him, or how you interact with him on a daily basis...Instead of you "backing off", spending less time with him, or trying to force him to be with your husband INSTEAD of you, your husband simply needs to try to spend as much time as he can with your bird and with you and your bird together, as a "Flock". The more that your bird sees that you accept your husband, the more he is going to accept your husband...And that is exactly the reason why he seems to be friendlier with your husband when you are there too, because you are his person and he sees you interacting with your husband, so he feels it's okay to do the same...But if you suddenly back-off or take yourself out of the picture, that probably is going to blow-up in your face and end badly...maybe not, but my guess is that if your husband were to step-in for you completely and you were to take yourself out of the equation for the most part, like you were trying to influence your bird to suddenly choose your husband over you, that is just not going to go the way you want it to go...

Unfortunately you can seldom change your bird's mind about who they choose as "their person". For whatever reason, he has chosen you, and while it's totally your decision how you handle this, in my experience whenever someone tried to do exactly what you stated you'd like to do, which is to try to get the bird to choose your spouse over you when they've already clearly chosen you, it never works out the way the people want it to, and both of your relationships with the bird can be damaged...It's probably better for you to just keep things as they are, let yourself be "his person", but at the same time have your husband do everything he can to be included...Let your husband give him his treats, that can help. When all 3 of you are together in your home your husband can offer his shoulder to sit on while watching TV or doing whatever...But it's important that you don't ever force your bird to be with your husband when it's obvious that he wants to be with you, because that isn't going to eventually make him want to be with you husband, probably just the opposite, he'll probably end-up becoming aggressive towards your husband while trying to be with you. So try to do as many things as a threesome as you can, let your husband be the "treat-person", and when you're not at home your husband should try spending one-on-one time with him, reading to him, singing to him, just spending time with him as much as he can...But when you're at home, he's probably going to choose to be with you/on you most of the time, and I don't suggest that you ever reject him or push him away or force him to your husband...It's like trying to force a person to want to be with someone other than they want to be with, it just doesn't work...Instead, try to be a family-unit and include your husband in as much as you can with your bird.

Wow, this is exactly what I was hoping for. You have all provided a lot of good ideas, suggestions, cautions, advice, and support. Some of what you have said confirms things we were already thinking and trying, some is completely new. All of it is helpful and very, very appreciated.

I hope this stuff helps other people also, we're certainly not the only ones to experience this kinda situation.

So far it looks like Trigger is growing closer to Wolf. I've backed off a bit from Trigger. Wolf gets out of the cage, I put him in. Wolf provides all the food and treats. Wolf works with Trigger for training. Wolf gives him the morning showers. But I think the biggest thing is simply that Wolf is here spending time with Trigger all day. I'm here too, of course. I still cuddle Trigger, but I do it with Wolf there beside me. I'm still loving and affectionate and happy when he flies to me, but I'm no longer the only one he chooses to fly to. Trigger still consistently enjoys my scritches and cuddles, but he is also allowing Wolf to do so more often and for longer stretches.

It'll take time and patience, and lots of love, but we've got plenty of all that. I'll keep you all posted on our progress.

Thank you all SO much!!

First, I want to congratulate you on your newest family member. I haven't been around much lately and I wasn't aware you did get a CAG. I remember you inquiring about it.

I had the same concerns when I got Levi. I was hoping my husband would be more engaged with him from the start, but I guess b/c it took well over a month for Levi to accept me, hubby kept his distance.

However, they have created over time their "own" rituals so to speak.
As soon as Levi hears the back door open, he immediately says, "hey Buddy" anticipating my hubby greeting our son. Than Hubby (John) greets Levi. He wears a crew cut & he bows his head down & Levi runs his beak around the top of John's head. After that John kisses his beak. He plays peek a boo w/ him all the time. If John is lounging watching TV, Levi stands on his belly & chills. Levi has to be in the bathroom when John is showering. Doesn't matter the time of day, if John is heading for the shower Levi is flying behind him wanting to be there with him. He does allow John to transport him from one place to another, but John does't do that a lot for fear Levi will bite him. (believe me his fear is justified)
There are other things they do together, but I just can't think of them right now.

So, my advice is continue doing what you are doing and gradually increase your hubby's involvement or do like my hubby & create their own special stuff/activities together.

How is Yoda w/ Trigger? I'm very interested in their dynamics?

Best of luck to you all… :heart:

Yoda and Trigger mainly tolerate each other. I'm certain that Trigger wants to be friends and often follows Yoda around, trying to mimic what he does and says. There was some jealousy between the two, but we have been doing better at making sure Yoda gets all the love and cuddles he needs so he doesn't feel insecure.

Sadly, the two of them lunge at each other every so often so we have to watch them like a hawk and never let them be within a yard of the other without one of us right there with them. Bad things can happen in the blink of an eye.

I really suggest group feeds, husband can be with one bird and you with the other, this really healped my flock, and mimics nature with all sorts of birds foraging together.