We Put Apollo to Sleep Today

[Mallory]

I knew it was time. Apollo has been through a lot in our three and a half years together. I hate to think that replacing our veterinarian earlier and getting some real advice...instead of a false sense of security that it was EPI and we were doing all we could and his weight was a " low normal"...maybe could have saved him. But I can't think like that. I knew being chronically underweight would hurt him and I have to live with being mistreated and ignored by the supposed "best vet in town" and stupidly putting all my trust in them. I can tell that story another day. It's not about that now.

Apollo got shampoo in his eyes about 5 days ago. I started flushing them immediately. His eyeballs clouded over and the swelling was incredible - just another sign that things were coming to a head. We arranged an emergency vet visit that night...only to cancel because I knew aggressive treatment was pointless and we could keep him comfortable at home. It was time. His weight had plummeted and he looked like a walking skeleton. His urine was starting to smell off, he was drinking like crazy and becoming dehydrated, and then two days ago he stopped eating completely. Last night he put his head in my lap and started howling and we cried together. I resolved to make the appointment today.

We could have treated aggressively but I felt that it would just prolong his suffering. He was such an amazing dog and such a part of our family, I couldn't bare to wake up to him dead in a puddle of urine. He had been patient through all the vet visits, medicines and other things we put him through but I knew he was tired. I couldn't keep him alive selfishly. We had tried all the basic diagnostics and since he was already in the beginning of kidney failure, any heroic gestures would likely have bought us only weeks or months. Besides...we just switched to a new vet, I just had surgery and two months ago I watched my grandmother suffer a drawn out death, and I couldn't take any more right now. I had a strong feeling that we did what we could and I owed him a peaceful death.

The appointment was at 2:00 this afternoon. I woke up early and took Apollo and Katara to the dog park for a long time. Apollo got to play with another longtime canine friend. Then we went on a slow walk in the fields near our apartment and he got to swim for the last time. We took him home, clipped some fur and whiskers, and made impressions of his nose and paw pads with non-toxic ink. There was a lot of cuddling and some tears. Apollo could only eat bland kibble or he would get severe diarrhea, but what did we have to lose today? We went out and got him a cheeseburger and even with almost no appetite remaining he ate it happily. Then we packed both dogs up for the appointment.

It was fast. The vet said his eyes swelled up so much because systemically everything was starting to fail. He was maybe 20 lbs underweight (we knew that much already) and the vet said he was in worse condition than we realized (kidneys failing, weak circulation, etc.)...but at least he had remained happy and playful until the end. He suggested it could have been a serious cancer or auto-immune disease, nothing good. We didn't pursue a necropsy. I don't know if I could live with knowing it was something treatable but I can live with the feeling I did everything I could. He passed away in our arms and then we held him for a long time afterward. Katara got to see him pass but was more nervous about being at the vet than anything. I don't know if it brought her closure but I don't regret bringing her either.

Here are some recent pictures of Apollo. He was such an amazing dog - my true soulmate - and I feel awful that we didn't get a chance to save him. He died at around 5 years of age but we tried to fill that short life with as much love and happiness as we could.

Before his eyes swelled up earlier in the week at the park.

Playing with Katara.

Cuddling today before the appointment.

 

[littleredhen77]

im so so so sorry for your loss..im sitting here with tears streaming from reading this so i can only imagine what youre feeling. i have a dog named Apollo as well, and though hes a different case, he has eye issues too. it hits home to me , reading those words wth that name and knowing that someday ill be in you shoes. the feeling of loss is the most painful feeling there is and im deeply empathetic for you. BIG HUGS!

"Sleep softly on, beloved one
take with you all your dreams.
to rest in noontide valleys,
beside old silent streams"

 

[OOwl]

Aww, so sorry. I have an elderly husky, too. My heart goes out to you. Apollo was so beautiful. I'm glad he had you in this life. Hugs!

 

[Flboy]

It is so hard! I am in tears now! I was with every one of my pups when the time came, I owed it to them! Our last, Baby, it was my daughter that had to administer the IV!

 

[Tony21]

Sorry to hear about your pup! I just got a husky pup. Glad he had you to comfort him!

 

[JerseyWendy]

I can hardly see my monitor as tears are falling down my cheeks, clouding my eyes heavily.

I am so so very sorry! Many hugs to you! And belly rubs for Katara!

Thinking of you!

Run free, Apollo! No more pain, no more ailments, but green parks, soft grass, blue skies and many playmates. Until you all meet again. :smile015:

 

[Mallory]

Thank you all This forum is such a wonderful community to be a part of and as always very supportive. I got to spend the second half of the day with a friend. Katara got a chance to play with her two sweet dogs and Dillan and I got to meet her 2 week old son...that helped get our minds off the day for a little. I held it together at the vet's office even feeling Apollo fall asleep in my arms but there have been a lot of tears tonight. Having lost three cats to tragedy though it was a peaceful feeling being able to let him go and holding him afterwards knowing he was safe and pain free and everything was over. These next few days I'm going to spend awhile gathering all my photos of Apollo so I can make sure they last forever as they have now become irreplaceable to me.

 

[RavensGryf]

I'm also crying here! Mallory, I'm so sorry. What a wonderful pet mom you are. All the extra special things you did for Apollo on his last day he must have appreciated so much.

 

[Christinenc2000]

Heartbreaking. I have a Jack Russel 16 years old who's health is failing. When the time comes I hope I am as strong as you are .

 

[GreatBlue320]

My heart is breaking, too. So very sorry for your loss.

 

[Scott]

Mallory, I am tearfully grieving with you. Apollo was such a handsome boy and surely felt your family's love. It takes deep devotion and selflessness to prepare for the most peaceful sleep.

 

[Allee]

Mallory, I'm so very sorry for your loss. It's obvious Appolo was a wonderful companion and family member, he was so fortunate to have you. I'm typing through my tears, I love all the special things you did for him, they mean so much. Hugs to you, my thoughts are with you.

 

[happy410]

:60:Hugs to you! Sorry for your loss.:smile016::

 

[Mallory]

Again, thank you all. I hope this doesn't bother anyone for sharing this...I always said I wanted to find a compassionate taxidermist and keep Apollo's fur when he passed away and the people who knew me thought I was crazy. I'm not one of those people who wants a stuffed "sleeping" dog in the corner... Yesterday it was the furthest thing from my mind and I didn't even remember the idea. We paid for private cremation and a customized urn and that felt alright. But last night I was torn up by the worst dreams, all revolving around that idea. I know most people would be bothered by having their pet's fur or any physical remains besides ashes, but I don't have a visual memory and I feel like I need something visual and tangible to remember him by.

I don't know where I got the guts to do this because I'm a shy person usually and go with the flow...but I called the vet clinic. Apollo was already at the crematorium but the vet's amazing receptionists wasted no time contacting them and was able to put a hold on the cremation until I made my decision. (I don't believe in luck but I called just in time.) Then I started calling around town. The second taxidermy shop's owner I talked to was very compassionate and not only could do it but had done it for other pet owners over the years. I managed to arrange everything so that I can transport him to the taxidermy shop and then once they are done in a few days take him back to the vet's office and have our private cremation. I am also ordering a pendant I can put some of his ashes into. This way I will have a pelt and an urn, as well as a bit of him I can carry around when I need to.

I know it's an extreme form of memorializing but I also know when one of the birds passes away I will be saving their feathers and having them cremated. I don't know who else to share this with because most people would think I'm "that crazy dog lady" but sometimes you just know what you need to do. It's not hurting Apollo, I've done everything I can for him and he's already in peace. We're the ones hurting now missing him and I don't think he'd mind me saving a part of him to cuddle up with when it really hurts. That's what he always did for me in life.

 

[RavensGryf]

Mallory, I'm glad you felt comfortable enough here to share with us some personal thoughts. No one has the right to judge. What appeals to some, will never appeal to everyone. What's important is that it feels like the 'right' thing for you personally, and gives you a sense of comfort and closure. I've also seen DNA pendants. Supposedly dna in pretty swirled glass design, but I'm not sure how we know it's not only glass with no dna lol. I'm glad you caught it in time, and it worked out for you.

 

[OOwl]

I have loved all my dogs, but I once loved one so special like that, one that I had an unbreakable bond with, and I wish I would have thought to do something more than I did (I have her private cremation ashes that will be with me for eternity, whether that is "allowed" or not). I don't think your actions of memorializing your very special friend are out of order. I hope they bring you comfort. You may also consider one of the DNA helix necklace pendants. I've already requested one of those for my most special avian companion while he's still living.

 

[Tony21]

There's nothing wrong with what you want to do! Your doing it for all the right reasons. Wish you the best luck, and hope all works out for you!!

 

[Terry57]

Mallory, I am so very sorry for your loss of your beautiful Apollo. I cried while reading your post, you love shines through in every word.
I am so glad that Apollo was able to have a last day filled with friends, family and love.
Sending hugs to you and Katara.

 

[Mallory]

Everyone (both my family, friends, all the people we're working with for our memorials, and this forum community as well) has rallied to help Dillan and I get through this, I am so grateful and never would have expected so much support and love. A friend today went out of her way to show something to me. Everyone has been asking when we're getting another dog. I understand, it's a natural question. It's too soon to look for another dog, it's too raw still and everything around the house reminds me of him and makes me tear up a little. I know she was being a helpful friend and not trying to rush us into something. At the same time, I know Katara is hurting being alone for the first time and I know eventually we will be ready. In the meantime we have some very supportive friends who are already setting up playdates for Katara and I appreciate it so much.

But we only knew that Apollo was dumped on the highway as an adult, we didn't know where he really came from. She found a "wolf hybrid" breeder relatively close to us. (I'm not interested in speculating about percentages and hybrids and all that here, it's a topic I am interested in though, so I'd love to discuss it in a PM if you're interested). It's the same place a lot of the wolf-y mixed breeds I've met came from, but I never thought to look at the place myself. It never crossed my mind it could have been where Apollo was born. When she mentioned it, I decided to look at the website and see what his dogs looked like. I was stunned...half of them look like they are close relations to Apollo. One looked so familiar I had to check my own photos to make sure it wasn't him in the picture. Anyway...it was sad and sweet to see the resemblance in his dogs. It made me want to call him and schedule an appointment just to throw my arms around a big snow dog again.

The time is not right, but I'll know when it is, and then before anything else I'll be calling that kennel. He has some stunning puppies that will be born later in the year to parents that have everything I loved about Apollo when I first met him, from his amber eyes and snow nose to his beautiful fur colors. It's not going to fill the void, and that's why we're going to wait until we've mourned him fully. In about three weeks his ashes will be home and going on the memorial shelf we made, and in 3-4 months I will have his fur back to keep with me forever. I just learned last night that it's an old Japanese tradition for Akita Inu breeders to save the pelts of their best dogs, and that touched my heart in the right way and made me feel connected to something bigger.

Again, I am so thankful for everyone's kind words. I'm going to stop updating this thread because I've completed this part of the journey and now I need to work on celebrating his life and moving forward with mine, but know that I have been and will continue to read everyone's kind words, especially in the moments when things start to ache. I have a young African Grey coming home at the end of March (mentioned in my other posts), so even now there is a lot to prepare and collect ourselves and be excited for.

 

[chris-md]

My condolences Mallory. I know this is really difficult for you