Unbiased Opinions

[Ducatimom]

I debated for a while about putting this on here, but thought what better place to get unbiased opinions? This is kind of a personal thing so I won't put names or too many details on here.

I've been struggling with this decision for a little over a year and still struggle with it. A little back story: After a rough marriage, which my Dad spared no details, my parents split up and my biological mother did some horrible things before the divorce was final. He missed a lot of first in my life and not by choice. After that she basically took the out-of-sight out-of-mind approach to parenting. Only saw that side of the family twice a year and only got a phone call on my birthday and to arrange those visits. My grandparents (on her side) lived maybe an hour away from me and never came to visit. I called them once and they asked if they could call back after only talking for 10 minutes...never called back. Then when I'd see them I'd get asked why I never call them. Last time I saw or heard from any of them was in '06.

A couple years ago I start getting friend's requests from them. Only getting a message from my grandmother and my step-sister. My biological mother sent a request but no message. Then I find out that my aunt (her twin sister) passed away last year. She couldn't tell me herself, but sent a message to my dad's sister to let me know what happened. Maybe she had a valid reason but I found it odd and impersonal.

I've been struggling with the decision to reconnect with them or not. I feel like it would be the right thing to do, but there's been too many years of being jaded that makes it really hard. My husband and I are also wanting to start having kids and I'm thinking that it would be beneficial for them to know that side and it would be easier to patch things up now than when we do have kids and cause confusion with them. But on the other hand, what if things work out for a little while then I don't hear from them for another few years causing the pain and confusion in my kids that I went through as a child.

That felt good just typing it out lol.

 

[Terry57]

My mother and I were estranged for several years, with no contact whatsoever. I finally felt I could forgive her for disowning the family, and several other things that aren't important now. I did a google search to find her to try to reconnect, and instead found she had died 6 months before.

Everyone's situation is different, and in the end, you will have to decide if it is worth the possible pain to let them back into your life. In my case, I wish I had tried a bit sooner, because although it would most likely not have turned out well, at least I wouldn't always wonder what if...

I wish you the best in whatever decision you end up making.

 

[ruffledfeathers]

It may depend on where you are with it in terms of how much it can still hurt you. If you are able to go in with an acceptance that it may always be 'different' from what you truly wish, but that you are ok with that, then I do think it could be good to reconnect. It is a part of the past that can be 'resolved' in a way.


It sounds like you may be in a good place to do just that, like you aren't expecting too much out of it or making yourself too vulnerable, but you are willing to have a peaceful relationship if possible.


I have more of an adult friendship with my parents than I ever really have warm and fuzzy memories of my youth with them. But that being said, we are pretty good friends as adults and remain involved in each others lives.


I have to say, for myself, it was kind of empowering to feel that I was 'the bigger person' so to speak, able to overlook past mistakes and be stronger than those old hurts and have a 'today forward' friendship.

 

[Sterling1113]

I can somewhat understand, though every situation is very very different. My parents divorced within the past several months, and honestly I'm glad to keep my mom out of my life. She was a severe alcoholic and we have had several arguments as well as physical confrontations while she was under the influence. So, at least for a long time, she is not a part of my life now that I've moved out.

That's just me though. My situation is still in the very early stages, maybe in a few years I can come to tolerate her, but as of now it gives me severe anxiety even knowing I might see her whenever I go see my dad. But as of now, I'm okay with the distance.

Hope whatever you choose isn't too stressful on you. things will work out.

 

[jasper19]

It all comes down to what you want, but you asked for opinion, so here is mine.

If you see your mother and people on that side of the family as bad people, don't have them in your life. If they don't care about you, or haven't cared for so long, don't even bother with it. Keeping your family and life POSITIVE, is much more important. If bringing them back in will just cause drama and stress its not worth it. They are family, but in the end they are just people as well. Surround yourself with people that are loving and care, just being family doesn't give someone a license to treat you like **** then get out jail free card. Why waste your time with that?

So essentially my view is this. If these people weren't family, would you consider letting them back into your life just to crap all over it again?....or would you only be giving them another chance because they are family? To me the family card doesn't cut it.

My fiance's family is like this, just horrible people that do not care about anybody but themselves. Being family is not an excuse, and shouldn't give you endless chances to be a decent human being. Needless to say she doesn't talk to them and is completely fine with it.

Good luck with your decision, you will end up choosing what is right for YOU.

 

[Betrisher]

I think every family situation is different, but a few things are sort of no brainers.

It's always good to know where you came from, even if it turns out to be from the wrong side of the tracks as it were. If you work to keep your kids from knowing their bio family, they could come to resent that in the end. You'd be depriving them of making their own decision about whether to be in touch with family or not. Y'know?

They say blood is thicker than water, but in my experience that's only true if you want it to be. Nevertheless, you have to know about the blood family in order to make your choices. Every individual has the right to do that on his own!

My adoptive parents kept a lot of my information from me until I was middle-aged! Then, when I finally met my bio-family, they kept a lot of info from me as well. I gotta say, lying about stuff in order to keep secrets and then making obstacles so your kids can't find out is not the best way to foster trust. Just saying. As you can tell, this topic is kinda close to my heart for lots of reasons.

My own experience has taught me a lot about the importance of identity, of knowing what stock you came from and of the final choice being yours and yours alone whether you choose to belong or to distance yourself from a problematic family.

Might it be possible to contact your bio family only through facebook and keep it strictly there for a year or so? That way, you have the option to monitor the way things proceed and to pull back away if you feel it's necessary? I think it's very sensible of you to examine this before you have kids to worry about. I'd encourage you to face the family, get recent photos, medical histories etc etc and then decide whether or not to stay in touch. BUT - I'd certainly make the contact info available to your kids in the future so they can make up their own minds. Best of luck with it. Sending warm hugs for moral support!

 

[Colorguarder08]

My mother who I refer to as my incubator left when I was 6 months with a few scattered connected until I was 19 so I can understand the hesitation. She often times tries to act like a mother band even pretends she knows things that happened in years she had no contact in. We don't have a mother daughter relationship its more like aquantiences. The way I see it as long as she understands she has no right to be a mother than its fine

 

[Ducatimom]

Thanks everybody! You've really helped give me different sides to look and think about this. If they weren't family I probably wouldn't reach out to them. Maybe my grandmother and step-sister since it seems like they made an effort by sending me a message to ask how things were.

Bertrisher: My dad and step-mom did tell me the history between them when I was in my tween or early teen years. They never really kept it hidden before but said they'd tell me when I was old enough to hear it and make my own decision. That's kind of what I was hoping to do with my kids. Plus I thought it might be sensible to get the medical history and what not. Especially with her being a twin, which makes it my turn to have twins. Then I have no idea how my aunt passed away so maybe there could be some medical issues that I don't know about. I don't really know her medical history at all.

 

[MrsKay]

We've all heard the saying "You only live once".
It sounds to me like they are 'testing the waters' by sending you the friends requests. It is possible that they have changed, people do.
Personally, I would reach out to them because, aside from our beloved pets, friends and family are all we have in this world. If we live our lives in fear of loving because we are afraid we won't be loved in return, our lives would be empty. You have been hurt and you may be hurt again, but you can live your life knowing that you opened your heart and offered them your love. Give them that chance to offer you their love as well.
If you think about it, in a way, we transfer our love to our pets, expecting much, and accepting, and loving whatever we can get in return.
I would reach out to them, then wait and watch.
I would give them that chance to prove their sincerity.
You really have nothing to lose provided you don't set yourself up in advance with expectations of how you think they should share their love in return. Just take what you can get of love in this world and be happy in your friends, family and pets.
It's your choice

 

[Kalidasa]

Your mom is trying to reach out to you, but also fears rejection.
There's nothing more powerful, self-empowering and freeing than forgiveness.
I would say, don't worry about the "what if's" and just deal with what is.

I only wish my natural mother would reach out to me, but she's oceans away and we don't know each other's names.

 

[SilverSage]

This is tough and in the end only you can make the choice. I have never been in this situation, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

I do know though, what it feels like to know you have done something wrong, but not know how to make it right, and just let the years pass not doing anything about it because you dont know what to do. Maybe your family is afraid of what will happen if they try, and afraid of you rejecting them. Maybe simply accepting the friend request would be enough to start. Then you can "observe" them online for a while, and decide if you want more; then at least the door is open. It could also be that they are wating for you to accept the request before sending a message.

What I do when faced with a situation like this is to ask myself which thing I will regret most, in this case connecting or not connecting. Keep in mind you can always shut them out again if things don't work out. However by letting them in you COULD get hurt again. Families are messy, but yours may have changed.