Parrot grief/loss

[SunnyJ]

Hello-
I have a 32 year old Double yellow head amazon that we have had since she was 3 months old. She has gone everywhere with us...work etc. My Husband was her person of choice. He rough-housed with her and did most of the fun stuff. She came to me for attention and a good scratching of the head ect. I say 'she' just because thats what we always said, but she would 'hump' my husbands shoulder during springtime which always made us 'wonder' on the true sex but having her sexed was never important. Last month my husband passed away and now my amazon is acting differntly. eating less.... searching for him etc. My question is simply to ask if anyone else has experienced something similar and how their parrot reacted. She knows 'something' has happened but not 'what'. looking for some guidance

 

[DiscoDuck]

Yikes.. ok.. As Oliver got older his last five years. We noticed the subtle changes. During his last year, we did more just let him roost and eat snacks often while just laying on the couch watching TV. We even went so far to do more with him, like harness flying him, taking him outside and then one day.......

This is hard for more to write. I feel your pain. I dunno, just spend as much extra time as you can with him/her? Separation anxiety is tough for everyone. Enjoy your friend as much as you can is all I can suggest based on my first hand experience.

I will add this. If i didnt have Oliver, I would not have the life long partner I have now.

Best!

 

[Scott]

Welcome to the forums, please accept my deepest condolences for the loss of your husband.

Parrots experience loss and grief, and react in ways we might not comprehend.
Thankfully you already had a relationship of sorts, growing closer will preserve the link you have in common.

Might be a challenge to develop closer bonds with your amazon. This thread might assist: http://www.parrotforums.com/general-parrot-information/49144-tips-bonding-building-trust.html

 

[Kiwibird]

I am very sorry your husband passed away.

Yes, parrots do in fact experience some form of grief and/or mourning at the loss of a "flock mate", especially the preferred flock mate. Much like us, they are social creatures who form strong bonds with their social groups. My mom's DYH who she had before I was born and who was very bonded to me from the time I was an infant went into a state of depression when I grew up and left home. Same as you're describing- eating less, looking for me, siting in my room for hours upon end. Took her a couple months to get back to normal, the poor thing. The issue in your case may be 2 fold- both she misses your husband but also senses your grief as well, as they are empathetic and do pick up on our emotions. If I were you, I would monitor her weight closely and if she looses much more than 10 grams from her normal weight, see an avian vet. Otherwise, let her grieve without the stress of a vet visit. She should start slowly perking up a bit over the next few months again. Especially with summer coming up. Some outside time (in a cage or on a harness depending) in the fresh air and sunshine will probably do her a world of good

 

[wrench13]

Please accept my family's deepest condolences on your husbands passing.

Just as stated above, yes your BFA knows his rough housing buddy is gone but has not been able to make the closure that wild parrots are able to. They get to see members of the flock as they pass away and understand that death has taken them. I will wager that your BFA was not able to view your husband in a funeral parlor, which may have helped him put his disappearance in perspective. These are highly intelligent creatures, and they can experience grief and loss almost the same way we do. Kiwibird has given excellent suggestions for you.

 

[Anita1250]

My Sam is 35, and I have had him since he was 11 weeks. My husband passed away when Sam was 22. He loved my husband and spent a lot of time with him because they were home together while Dennis was sick.

Sam exhibited all of the things you say your bird is doing. He was depressed for about 6 months, then started to come out of it. I moved pretty quickly, as I didn't want to be in the same house any more.

About 2 years later, I met my second husband. Sam is now totally attached to him. They play and wrestle all the time. I don't think Sam even remembers my first husband any more. He is doing great with Roger and I. Give your bird some time to get used to the new normal. Everyone will eventually move on, just as we did. Good luck, and I am very sorry for your loss. Believe me, I know how you feel.

 

[texsize]

When I lost my first amazon (Plumas) his partner Pacho was depressed for about 4 months. I gave her extra attention and love and we helped each other get through it.

I very sorry for your loss.

texsize

 

[GaleriaGila]

What a beautiful soul you are... to be so concerned and caring for the bird, even as you have suffered such a loss.

Great advice and support above.

I got my bird in college, and I'm now retired, so I fully appreciate the challenge you are facing.

I'm glad you're here, and I hope you stick around.

 

[SailBoat]

Our DYH Amazon lost is first family to age and aliments. The love of his life, the Dad, had past when he was about eleven. Mom was already have serious memory problems and past about five years later. The Kids elected not to follow the Will they had agreed too and dumped the Amazon ASAP and it was not a soft drop (but that is a different story).

We received an Amazon that was seriously grieving, with little want to trust ever again. Within five short years, he had lost everything and from his recovery it appeared that the house keeper likely abused him between Dad passing and then Mom's.

He will be a very young 21 in a few short days. The five years with us has seen a very resentful Amazon become a real sweetheart. The process has been slow, but well worth it! He has found a Love for the Lady of our house, but I am very well excepted and trusted.

He is worth every moment you will need to invest. When an Amazon turns the Love-On it is a wonderful place to be!!! You Will Want To Be There!

Take the time to cry together, to remember together and to comfort each other in the wonder of togetherness and it will be a bit better every month. The lost never goes away! Just remember that both of you have room in your hearts for each other and in memory of your joint Loved One!

As stated by others, Your Amazon needs you and you need him more than each of you know!

Take the time to understand your Amazon. Go to the Amazon Forum and read the First Thread at the top of the page. Its all about understanding Amazon Body Language. It will be a great starting point as it is best read with you reading loud with the both of you together, over and over again, until you understand it as a first language.

Another tool to help: Change your vantage point!!! It is NEVER the fault of the Amazon! It is ALWAYS the fault of the Human! You will find that by using this tool, you will see what you are doing wrong and can correct it quicker!

You're in this journey together anyway, so why not joint together and step forward at a smooth and comfortable rate. Just fast enough that both of you are comfortable!

 

[SunnyJ]

A big thank you to each one of you. Your replies are truly heartfelt and appreciated. "Baby'" is my Amazons name and she is a wonderful challenging bird and I do love her a lot so yes, right now she is my first concern. To answer one question, no she did not get to see my husband in a funeral home. He was cremated. The last time 'Baby' heard his voice was over the speaker phone when he was in the hospital. Now she gets excited when I'm on the phone. I know she is thinking it is him. She also is more content when I sit in my husbands spot on the couch rather than mine in the eve when it's time to cuddle & get her head scratched....well as much as any amazon will. We know each other well as I said have had her for 32 years. She gets very upset & angry when people cry so I know better than to pick her up then. She even gets that way when a real baby cries....she seems to think whoever is holding the kid is hurting it.
I did read the post on amazon body language and smiled.... I know those things well. It was well written and informative even to me who grew up with African Greys and a Cherry Headed conure along with a beautiful Cockatoo.

 

[Scott]

I suspect you and Baby are going to bond closer than ever, with the memory of your late husband as a powerful catalyst. Hope you will remain active on the forum and let us know how things progress!

 

[SunnyJ]

thank you for that.....this forum seems like a nice place and I may need a place to hang my hat for awhile too. It's been many years since I have posted on a forum, the last one turned out to be filled with awesome people that met in life and shared experiences, then one by one fell away for whatever reason. Other forums seem ripe with trolls and just nastiness that I do not want any part of.

 

[Scott]

No trolls here, and if any pop up they are swiftly counseled or dispatched!

 

[Inger]

I love this place because there is so much kindness AND knowledge here. Please do stay. I’m so sorry for you loss and I’m glad you and Baby have each other for support.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[mh434]

You're just going to have to provide twice as much love and attention to Baby!

Parrots DO experience grief & loss, without doubt. When we lost our dog Echo (and yes, I mean "lost", as in disappeared, forever, without a trace), our CAG Reno was very, very down.

Even now, 2 1/2 years later, every so often Reno will be obviously searching for something, and say "Where's Echo? I can't find her!". Then, he gets very quiet and thoughtful, sometimes for hours.

It never fails to make us both cry.

 

[AmyMyBlueFront]

When Amy came home with me,I was a trucker,and at times was on the road a few days,and my mom took care of Amy and Smokey,both birds were out of their houses a good part of the day.
When mom passed away about 12 years ago her absence affected both birds,,now no one was there all the time. but when Smokey passed away three years ago it really hit Amy hard. Amy knew Smokey for 25 years! She became withdrawn..wouldn't come out of her house..sat on her nite nite perch just to climb down to eat a little..didn't vocalize a bit..there has always been two birds in this household..i HAD to get a second bird!

Anyway long story short...Amy STILL crys out my moms name from time to time.

I am very sorry for your lose!


Jim

 

[SunnyJ]

I'm lucky enough to work from home....(plant nursery) so I can still spend some time with Baby during the day but she can't be out to play like she use to with 2 of us here. I have tried to 'expand' her world a bit and I'm sure little by little we will find our new normal. I do know birds are super social so I hate seeing them locked up 99% of the time. I move her from different cages.....always have radio on or the tv in main room. toys help too. She loves to play on the couch with mini-tennis balls...will even get on her back so both feet are free to roll them around.
You all seem like a nice bunch and I like it here already, thanks for making me feel welcome.

 

[Kentuckienne]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I don't know anything comforting to say to humans, except I'm sorry, which isn't enough. I'm so sorry for both of you.

Yes, I believe birds love the same way people do. Humans just have a lot more words to put next to love, and a lot more conditions, and a lot more anxieties and anger and other thoughts that get tangled up in love. Parrots don't have all those words in their heads. They feel anger, and sadness, and curiosity, and happiness, and grief, and love just as we do, only they don't have words to put around it. An avian pair bond is a deep thing. Many birds mate for life, raising many chicks together and fighting against the weather, hunger, and predators, and maybe all that helps tie them together even more.

The only cure for grief is time. Birds do lose their mates in the wild, and they do look for them and call for them and mourn. But eventually they form a new bond with another bird. Baby will take as long as she takes to work through it, but you are there for her and she trusts you, and she may come around sooner. It's heartbreaking to see them searching and wondering, and not have any way to reassure them. All you can do is love her and be with her, which you are doing.

Baby does sound like a male ... that behavior is the kind of thing that makes you go blind, as they said when I was a kid.

 

[SunnyJ]

Yes...we have suspected male too....just hard not to say 'her' after 32 years....plus it never really mattered to us. Baby would always try to 'feed' my husband too....... I just laugh as I never had her do that to me.

I will say I have already learned something from being here. The 12 hour sleep rest period and how important it is. Baby was always on my husbands schedule....to bed about midnight and up late am. She would be cranky if we got her up too soon. Now she is on mine which is up early am 7-8am and she begs to go to bed at that time in the eve. I wanted her to stay up with me but now I know she needs her beauty rest and it's ok.

 

[AmyMyBlueFront]

Yes...we have suspected male too....just hard not to say 'her' after 32 years....plus it never really mattered to us. Baby would always try to 'feed' my husband too....... I just laugh as I never had her do that to me.

I will say I have already learned something from being here. The 12 hour sleep rest period and how important it is. Baby was always on my husbands schedule....to bed about midnight and up late am. She would be cranky if we got her up too soon. Now she is on mine which is up early am 7-8am and she begs to go to bed at that time in the eve. I wanted her to stay up with me but now I know she needs her beauty rest and it's ok.

I always called Amy Amy...it just fit her...but after years I had my suspicions lol...mannerizems..ATTITUDE never laid an egg...a few years back at her yearly wellness check her doc wanted to check her blood and I said as long as your going to do that...might as well do a DNA too..honestly,after twenty five years, I was kinda curious lol...WELL...imagine MY surprise when I got the call from her doc..Amy is a HE! Now what do I do??lol call her AMOS?? All she knows is Amy! Even now,when I talk about "her" I still say "she" or "her" ( everyone here on this fabulous forum all know Amy is a he...but they humor me Almost thirty years later its kinda hard to change old habits..and Amy doesn't care what he/she is called...as long as its not "late for super" lmbo


Jim