I am
so sorry. You did all you could to save Pacho. You tried so hard. Don't
ever forget that! Watching Pacho's struggle from afar was heartrending and sadly familiar. I hoped Pacho would be spared. By the time she showed symptoms, it may have been too late. It's best not to dwell on that question too much because you can't change what happened. I wish our birds could defy the instinct screaming at them to behave normally, but they can't. It makes it harder for their human friends to help them.
It seems I can't help but project what I felt when I lost Gabby onto others experiencing similar tragedies. Intellectually, I understand everyone reacts differently to loss. Still, I'd like to share what helped me during the worst days of shock and grief. These things may not help you, but in the hope they will, please bear with me and let me share. If they aren't helpful, just ignore them. No one can tell you how to feel.
1)
It's OK if you feel just a tiny bit relieved at first. My mother, who tended my father and grandfather during their terminal illnesses, broke the news to me. As she held me, I didn't think I would ever be able to stop crying. "It's OK if you feel a little bit relieved," she told me. "All of Gabby's suffering, all the not knowing, all the stress and worry: they're all gone." Yes, I did feel just a bit relieved...and then guilty for feeling relief. We feel what we feel. We really have very little (if any) control over our emotions. The only thing we can control (partially) is our response to those emotions.
2)
Don't allow guilt to become toxic and useless. For me, the biggest struggle was a black cloud of soul-consuming shame. My mind was utterly consumed by a barrage of "what if's" and "if only's." I thought of thousands of ways I failed Gabby. I considered thousands of things I should have done. A person can always think of ways he or she could have done better. We're human. Humans make mistakes. The purpose of guilt is to help you do better the next time a similar situation comes up. If guilt morphs into shame and becomes toxic, you can't use the lessons of guilt to help you do better next time. If that's the case, guilt becomes useless and there's no sense in wallowing in it.
3)
Refocus. I was so lonely and grief-stricken I had to move in with my mother for awhile. Getting out in nature is healing and the spring here was magnificent. The wildflowers weren't quite as spectacular as they were last year, but they were still magnificent. The wildlife was incredible. I found myself feeling much better when I was alone with my camera in one of the most beautiful places on the planet. Find your bliss and abide.
4)
Social support. Had it not been for my mother, I'm not sure I would have made it. Do whatever you have to do to find a support group or even a support person. The "Bereavement" forum is a good start.
Once again: I am so sorry. ((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))) May Pacho meet our departed parrot friends on the rainbow bridge.
