New member who's heart is broken

[Cawbird]

I've joined this forum to be with people who have the privilege of owning parrots and would understand what I'm going through....It's been 5 days since my 7 year old Cockatoo, Snowball, died rather unexpectedly and I am simply not doing well. He had shown NO symptoms and last Thursday I noticed he was lethargic and plopped down, feathers puffed, on his perch. I immediately took him to the avian vet who kept him all day with oxygen and took x-rays and blood. The vet called to tell me I could pick Snowball up but when I saw him, he didn't look good and I told the vet I didn't think he should come home, he was too sick. She told me he was stable and I needed to bring him back the next day for surgery as they had found metal bits in his stomach from a toy and they needed to be removed. They didn't even have the blood work back yet. In my heart I knew I shouldn't have taken him home.....he was dead by morning. Not only have I been crying continuously since he died but the intense guilt I am feeling is overwhelming. I feel like I am responsible for his death, I SHOULD have demanded he stay at the hospital but the vet told me over and over that Snowball was stable. I can't eat and all I do is cry, knowing I will never hear his little voice calling for me ever again. I'll never hold his "hand" though the cage or watching him dance happily. I am so despondent, I simply don't know what to do. I miss him so much and I just pray HE knew how much his family loved him him! My Amazon keeps calling out for him and he's not there, he'll never be there again. My heart is just broken into a billion pieces. I think people who don't own parrots feel like it's just a bird, so get over it. I need to be in a place where people understand....thank you for reading this.

 

[Boysmom]

I am so very sorry for your loss of Snowball. Dont blame yourself, you followed the vets advice. At least he got to pass over the rainbow peacefully in his own home. I'm sure you would feel worse had he passed at the vets and you didn't get to say goodbye. He passed where he felt safe and secure, and you should cherish all your memories of him. You did all you could. Snowball is flying with the Angels now.

 

[weco]

I'm very sorry you lost Snowball, but the metal pieces may have done more internal damage than the vet could have known about without doing the surgery. Your veterinarian must have thought she had a serious problem, because she scheduled the surgery even without having the blood tests back yet.....

Again, I am sorry about Snowball.....

 

[Terry57]

I am so sorry for your loss...it sounds like poor Snowball would have passed whether he was at the vets or at home, and I am sure he was comforted being home with you. You did everything you could do for him, and I hope that you are able to stop blaming yourself. I am also sure he KNEW how much he was loved, I believe they can truly feel what is in our hearts.
My heart goes out to you

 

[RavensGryf]

Welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry that it had to be under this circumstance. Hopefully it will provide you a little comfort to know that many of us here can relate.

As much as the vet knew that you and Snowball wanted to be together, I think it was a poor judgment call on their part to urge you to take him home, then plan for you to bring him back the next day. Extra added stress. Please don't blame yourself though, as we often times do as the vet says. Perhaps also, the vet just "knew".

Metal poisoning is VERY common. I was SHOCKED to hear HOW common when my vet told me. Even when I thought I watched my bird like a hawk, and an individual who didn't typically get into trouble as much as a more active parrot would, and STILL happened... That shows it can happen to anyone. My 20 year old Red Bellied parrot had picked up tiny rocks which contained lead. He was extremely lucky that he didn't have the acute form of poisoning. He had subtle symptoms for years... treatment is ongoing, and will still be for some time. I have also had birds long enough that I have unfortunately been through a few deaths before of no fault of my own. Many of us here have.

Anyway, I wanted to mention that to let you know that unfortunately this is extremely common, and it even happens to attentive responsible owners who watch their birds closely.
DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF... Please.

I wish you much comfort during the healing process. It's very tough, and will probably be for some time. Hang in there. For some people, it helps to talk about it. Just know, we like-minded people are here for you if you choose to talk. We do understand.

 

[Agapornis]

So sorry for your loss. Ravynsgryf is right, please don't blame yourself.

 

[sonja]

I am so sorry to read Snowballs story. I pray you find some peace from the pain and are able to cherish the good thoughts and memories of Snowball. Maybe one day you will find another bird to love as you loved Snowball, and care for him in his honor.

 

[WannaBeAParrot]

I'm so sorry Cawbird. Everyone here knows exactly how much these birds mean to us. They are members of our families. I know how you feel. It is nearly uselss for me to tell you that it will get easier, because it is so difficult to think about him right now. But, it will get a little easier soon for you to not break apart just to think about him. That's not to say you will miss him any less, but it will get easier. Might I recommend that when your mind wanders to sad thoughts, that you play with your AAmazon, or think of the things that your Too did to make you laugh and laugh. Try to empty your mind of that last 24 hours and think of the many many other days or years you had fun together. He was a blessing in your life.

 

[faeryphoebe1]

I'm so sorry about Snowball. Please try to remember that you gave him a life full of love and joy and that he died at home amongst his loved ones and not in some cold clinic, alone and frightened. (((hugs)))

 

[Pinkbirdy]

Im so sorry [I cant tell you enough I know how you feel]. Birds are are world and depend on us. My macaw died [I feel because I was being to "Polite " with the vet receptionist. } I should have went Batshi$$ on them [I don't think he should have died]. My other Macaw died ,that was and still is hard . But a least that one I know I did everything I could . They thought it was something she was born with [and it spread to her brain].I know theirs a lot of birds out there that need are love and care. I think all we can do is learn from the experience [and better prepare ourselves]. Take care [its ok to be sad ] We know how you feel.

 

[pycthedragon]

That is so sad. As others are saying, it's not your fault. Sometimes there are things that we can't account for even when we try our hardest. My sweetheart dog I had a little over a year ago lost her life early due to something none of us could have prevented.

Reading this genuinely made me feel really sad. I can feel your loss.

 

[SilverSage]

If I were where you are I would sit down beside you, put my arm around you, and cry with you. Losing a bird kills a part of the soul, and leaves a hole that nothing can ever fill. You did your best, and most likely the poor baby would have died at the vet, alone in a strange cage. I am glad he was able to pass in his own home, surrounded by his flock. We all wish we could do something to "help" but there is nothing but time that will heal this wound

 

[Cawbird]

Thank you all for your kind words. It's very comforting to have people know the pain you are in with the loss of your bird. Since I was little, I had always wanted a Cockatoo and a Harlequin Great Dane. I was so very blessed to have had both, Snowball and Beau, my Dane who is almost 5. I also remember thinking that someday Snowball would be cared for by my grandchildren. He should have lived for another 80 years. I should not have outlived him. I wish my Amazon was a friendly bird but she's not. She tolerates my daughter and son but tries to bite me even when I am feeding her. Snowball was the most loving guy, snuggling against your chest like a baby. He'd put his wing out so I could trim his feathers. So many memories that keep going through my mind and it really hurts my heart. I am not ready to move his cage and it's in my mudroom so I see if from my kitchen. I also walk past it to my garage. It's such a big cage, his toys hanging as if waiting for him to come back and play. It just doesn't make sense that he is no longer here. I loved him so much and I really, really miss him. Thank you all.....

 

[noblemacaw]

Please accept my condolences.

Those four words convey for me how much I know you are hurting. Grieving is different for everyone and as most people on this form have been where you are.

It is not easy losing a family member and it will take time to work though your grief. It will be difficult not to blame yourself but please try to be as gentle with yourself as you can. Remember it has only been a very short time since you lost Snowball. Most people on this form will be there for you to help you as much as you want.

I did have issues "handling my grief" when my Illiger's macaw Diego passed from a stroke. For months I just could not work though my grief and I felt very heavy and stuck. My depression was not getting better so I had to get help. It took a lot for me to seek help for my grief of my little Diego but I eventually moved forward to get the professional help I needed at that time. Much like your experience Diego was fine one minute but after flying back to his cage for potty and refreshment he collapsed and was hanging from one talon from his boing. I rushed him to the vet and even with their heroic methods to save my boy he passed within only 45 minute. I believe the shock of losing him so suddenly sent me into a tailspin I could not get out of.

I am very sorry you have joined our community on such a tragic event. Snowball KNEW he was loved and was able to spend his last day with you instead of in a hospital.

Please be gentle with yourself your Amazon Coco will need you during this difficult time.

 

[BirdyMomma]

Oh CawBird, I am so very very sorry. I can tell from your writing how very sad you are. I lost my Amazon, Bacci last year, and I am not over it, nor do I ever expect to be. I have come to terms with that. There will be no 'over it' when it comes to that particular tragedy. Please know that the grief you are feeling now is normal and that any of us who have lost a bird can completely relate. I feel so bad for you. I know how helpless you feel. I still ask myself 'why?' on a daily basis.
I wish I could offer you comfort, or assurance that it gets better, but that has not been my experience. What I can tell you, with absolute certainty, is that you are not alone. We are all here for you, thinking of you and Snowball. We are all feeling your pain and sending you love and understanding.

 

[Colorguarder08]

I am sorry for your loss. I had a cockatiel named Halloween who was fine when I left for work one morning but when I got home I found her with both her wings caught in the cage bars hanging upside down. Now bar spacing and everything else about the cage was right surprisingly she was still alive when I got home but died on the way to the vet. The vet had to pry the bars apart to get her wings out and even said he had no clue how she got like that but that it was a freak accident. I still feel horrible about her death and that was three years ago. Now I have a new cockatiel who I absoultly love and adore but I still wonder how much better I would have bonded with Halloween had she lived longer.

 

[ruffledfeathers]

I am so sorry for your loss of Snowball. I also joined this forum 2 years ago for the same reason. I hadn't even been a lurker....I just felt so sad with no one who understood (many people made jokes bc my Georgie wasn't outgoing, and only bonded with me....so to others she was "a bad bird") and I looked for a place full of people who understood.
There is a unique heartbreak we feel, just like there is a unique love for each being in our lives.
I hope some day when the time is right you are able to share that love with another bird. I got Gilbert a lot sooner after losing Georgie than I expected, but I couldn't stop crying. I also kept looking at her cage, her toys....feeling she was missing. Gilbert got lucky because I promised to love him double--once for him and once for Georgie. <3

 

[Timothy]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Really upsetting. I'm not going to tell you it will get easier. It wont. You honor his memory by thinking about him.

 

[Allee]

Cawbird, I'm deeply sorry for your tragic loss of Snowball. I'd like to welcome you to the forum under far better circumstances. I'm glad you joined the forum, I understand the need to talk about your loss to those who truly know what you're going through. As others have said, many of us have suffered losses. Grief is an ongoing process that we have to work through on our own terms. Please know that you and Snowball are in our thoughts and we are here for you.