My conure chose my husband, please help.

[LaurenB]

I adopted my green cheek conure, most likely female, from a family who dodnt want her about a week ago.

She immediately took to her new home, my husband and I, and has been the sweetest, cuddliest, love bug... At first. It has become blatantly obvious that Tiki has chosen my husband. I am so broken hearted. I wanted her to bond to me. I had a parakeet for 10 years who was my best little buddy and loved me dearly. I was devastated when I had to put her down. I was just now (a year later) feeling ready to bring in another bird.

Let me tell you about our situation and then her new behavior and I'm begging someone please help me. I am so broken hearted.

I am her primary care giver. I clean her cage every day, I change her water, I spend several hours playing with and loving on her, I give her fresh fruits and veggies and give her treats, I take her in for her bath and blow her dry with a hair dryer after (which she LOVES). She tolerates all of this very well, but when my husband gets home you can hear her squeal with delight before she even sees him (she doesn't do that for me). She goes absolutely bananas when he goes into her room to see her... But he only visits for 5-10 minutes a day. Last night we went in together to visit her, she immediately flew from me to him and loved on him like she doesn't do to me. I started having my suspicions about her bonding to him, and I expressed this to my husband. When I reached my hand out for her to step up from off his lap she bit the HECK out of me and drew blood... Twice. I of course bawled like a baby. My husband got upset and said "I'm not going to sit here and watch you cry. I don't want a bird!" And he put her back in her cage and left the room.

I am so heart broken. I wanted the bond that I had with my parakeet. Instead this bird chose someone that doesn't even want her.

Can someone give me advice? Is there any way to change who her favorite person is? My husband suggested he won't play with her any more but the thought of her hearing his voice and being ignored breaks my heart! Is there anything I can do about this? Please help.

 

[Kalidasa]

Birds choose who they choose, but if socialized properly can be friendly with everyone in the house, and their loyalties can be swayed. Actually, since your bird chose your husband, it would help if he helps in the process. She's going to listen and take cues from him, so have him treat and praise her every time she goes to you. Have him plop her on your shoulder often. Both of you play with her together. And it would be best at this point if he didn't play with or interact with her alone. Just have patience, and understand this isn't personal, it's an evolutionary trait that can be shaped and worked with. After a while she'll warm up to you, or even switch loyalties if she sees it'll benefit her.

 

[LaurenB]

Thank you. I'm going to keep working with her, I just need to know it isn't hopeless. This morning I went to get her out and while she's normally hanging from the door in excitement, she didn't seem interested. I reached in to offer a step up and she chomped down and drew blood again. Of course I left the room and cried like the little girl that I am.

 

[Dopey]

Hang in there. Maybe start at the beginning again. You will progress faster this time but don't give up.

 

[Storiesoffrankie]

Oh no! I have found that female birds prefere males as their owner, and males prefere female owners.
Tiki has chosen your husband as her "lover" but you are her "mother" if that makes sense.
I guess birds are just like humans, they can't help who they fall in love with.
I think Tiki will become more attached the more time you spend with her

 

[thekarens]

Oh no! I have found that female birds prefere males as their owner, and males prefere female owners.
Tiki has chosen your husband as her "lover" but you are her "mother" if that makes sense.
I guess birds are just like humans, they can't help who they fall in love with.
I think Tiki will become more attached the more time you spend with her

That's a myth, sex has nothing to do with who they prefer. There's 2 female birds and 1 male bird in our house and all three prefer the females, none of them prefer the male. When we had our grey before he passed for many years he preferred a female and then one day he decided our son was his favorite and remained so until he passed.

 

[Agapornis]

I have the same problem at my house! Fiji was supposed to be MY bird, but she seems to prefer my husband, riding around inside his shirt with her head poking out. I think Storiesoffrankie is right, Fiji likes hubby as her mate, but still acts like i'm her mama. When we got a 2nd GCC, he turned out to be a male, and he's a little mama's boy, lol.

I try not to take any birdy bites and rejections personally, but I know it's hard not to! LaurenB, your baby still loves her mama, you'll see!

 

[LaurenB]

Thank you all for your kind words! I'm determined to have a good relationship with her. I decided to spend time in her room while she is in her cage today. I started reading a book and she expressed interest in coming out (hanging on the cage door). So I brought her out onto my hand (with no bites). She sat on the back of my chair while I read, and in a few minutes she climbed onto my shoulder. I started reading aloud to her, and she seemed to like it! She began mumbling along and then started rubbing her face on my face! But then she decided she had enough and chomped down on my finger again. I hope I have some fingers left by the time all is said and done!

 

[LaurenB]

So... can I get some opinions on this...

I was able to work with Tiki gradually throughout the day yesterday, and by the evening she was my best friend again. I was thrilled. No more biting, and loving all over me. My husband got home around midnight so she was already asleep when he got home so he didn't see her. Then he left for work this morning while she was still sleeping and didn't visit her. All day today we've been best buddies.

My husband came home from work, and taking your advice, we visited together, not my husband with her alone. Again, she only wanted to be with my husband; It was clear I was chopped liver. When I tried to offer a step up, she drew blood again. My husband firmly told her "NO" and we caged her and left the room. I want her to know biting me is not acceptable, and we will BOTH leave if she does it.

A little while later, I went in to visit again, and she came out without biting, but I could tell she was looking for my husband. She was calling for him and watching the door like a hawk. She even flew to her cage (which is by the bedroom door) and waited there, calling for him. When I went to put her back in her cage, she bit me again.

Again, I left her alone. My husband went out with a friend and I went out to dinner with my parents. After dinner, my parents came over to meet her. She was THRILLED with the new company, making kissy noises and bobbing her head. She even sat on my mom's shoulder and rubbed on her face. It was clear with my parents there, though, that I was number one. She was sweet and cuddly with me again.

It's become obvious that my husband is her primary choice (which is unfortunate because he really doesn't want her to be "his"... he doesn't want the responsibility of a bird, and doesn't want to have to spend time with her on a regular basis. I'm not mad about this as she was supposed to be "my" bird.)

Here is what I'm thinking... Should my husband just stay away for awhile? Maybe if she spends a few weeks with just me and no interaction with him, will she start to bond to me instead? Or will she continue to hear his voice when he's home and want him even though I'm right in front of her? Any advice or input is welcomed. It is very important that she is bonded to me. I don't want to rehome her by any stretch, but I also don't want to take care of a bird for 20+ years that hates me and only wants my husband who only grudgingly spends time with her. Ugh! I did not anticipate the heartache this would cause. Rejection hurts.... even if it's from a pint sized bird.

 

[RavensGryf]

I posted a similar reply for someone else recently, but this is fairly common. I have the problem too! I've had Raven for a year now, and he is CLEARLY bonded with my husband. Don loves Raven, but doesn't have time to spend with him daily, and certainly doesn't know the first thing about birds and their care. Raven is 100% MY bird, but tell HIM that lol!

Raven doesn't hate me, he just has less tolerance toward me, won't step up without a bribe, and generally doesn't allow touching from me unless Don is holding him. I've learned to interact with Raven in other ways. He loves to talk to me, so I go stand by him and we talk and many times he repeats my words. It's cute, and it's a form of bonding between Raven and I. Perhaps with some persistence in showing your bird you mean no threat, and comsistent socialization, she'll come around at least to the point where she'll accept you as the other human . Just like humans or other mammals with high intelligence, they tend to choose who they like BETTER.

 

[Kalidasa]

Also keep in mind that this is going to take time and patience. It sounds like you're still grieving your budgie and the relationship you had. But every human/bird relationship is unique. You're obviously very upset about all this, but this is a new bird (?) and she's pretty freaked out as well. Try not to compare this bird with the other as that's not fair to Tiki. You're going to have a fun and unique relationship with her as well, but realize it's not 100% on your terms. Patience and understanding are in order.
If she bites while he's around, he should be the one to give her the time out, then you be the one to let her out after about 10-15 minutes. Sounds like you're making progress.

 

[LaurenB]

Thanks for everyone's input. We've decided for the time being that my husband isn't going to spend time with her. Hopefully she will start to get more attached to me. It seems to be going well so far. I spent about an hour with her last night before bed which she really enjoyed, then this morning she was ECSTATIC to see me. I brought her out and she loved all over me, played in my hair, gave me kisses, and cuddled in my hands! When I left for work she screeched over and over for me to come back Thanks again for all of your advice and support! I hope she and I continue to bond!

 

[LoryLover]

Both of our lories, the one we used to have (a male) and the one we currently have (a female) prefer my husband. As soon as I noticed this preference, we spent about 2 weeks where my husband would not interact with the lory at all. That seemed to calm down the extreme preference behavior. In our house, it takes two of us to take care of this one bird (lol) and we both love her, so she mainly hangs out with daddy in the evening until he goes to bed, then she willingly hangs out with me, telling me "you're so sweet, I love you" and being loving to me.

I'm fine with this arrangement, and during times that my husband can't hang out with her in the evenings, I just tell her "daddy went bye-bye" which she understands, and she quits asking for him and hangs with me, in a loving way.

I don't think you can ever completely turn the bird from the person they've chosen. They have very long memories. For example, I was buddies with my friend's blue and gold macaw. Whenever I would go to visit, his eyes would light up and he would dance around on his stand, and put his foot out, indicating he wanted me to hold him. He would even let me pet him. Sometimes, months would go by between my visits. But he always got excited when I came over. And when I was there, he preferred me over my friend! (which I felt bad about )