I think I regret my bird and idk what to do

[Caitcultclassic]

I need advice and suggestions, I feel immensely guilty about this already. It also doesn’t help that when I talk to my family they just speak of the money I have spent on my bird instead of his actual well being.

It has been a week since I got my RB2, and there are a few problems such as him being younger than I was originally told and his begging behavior. I’m not in any way prepared for a non-fully weaned bird (but just on the cusp of weaning). This is just one hurdle. The second physical hurdle is that my cats, who have lived with a bird before and have shown no prey drive (not even to mice right in front of their faces!), are suddenly showing an intense prey drive toward him. It’s lessening a bit each day, but I can’t trust them in the same room at all—and this is with constant vigilant super vision. This is causing my cats to get jealous and act out in other ways.

Besides this, there is an emotional and mental hurdle. I have become increasingly depressed very quickly and have no real end in sight (I’m trying) and no longer have a job/job prospects. A few weeks ago I had all the answers to any hurdle for this bird, and now I don’t. It stresses me out completely—and even typing this it’s hard to use his name or say “my bird”. His name is Percival, Percy or Pers for short, and he is the sweetest thing in the world, but I don’t want him and I don’t love him. I have spent countless hours consistently with larger cockatoos and macaws and their screaming and calling never bothered me. Percy is only loud once, maybe twice a day, and it’s the most grating and annoying thing I’ve heard. (But I know it’s not that bad). I also keep calling him by my old birds name on accident—which I know is a deep issue with me. My last birds death probably traumatized me more than I realized at the time. The feeling of having to handle him and care for him is already like a burden and I hate myself for it.

Each day I am trying to be happy, I am trying to love him and give quality time and bond with him, I just feel nothing. Since it’s still a new relationship I’m making sure time together is fun and worth being engaged. I know he hasn’t bonded to me yet either. I’m unsure if it’s my depression for if we actually just have no connection and I’m just a caretaker. He loves my mom but my parents want nothing to do with him.

I’m 23, and I wanted nothing more than to spend 40+ years loving this bird but now a reality is I might have to teach over seas for a year or two before I can come back and get a job. This wasn’t the case two weeks ago.

I *want* to love him and be happy with him. But I’m not and I feel immense guilt. If I stick it out will I love him or will I end up feeling as if he is a burden? I’m unsure what to do, I just know how I am is unfair to him. I do want to say he is spoiled and I am giving him the best care that I can, despite how I’m feeling.

 

[noodles123]

If he's not weaned, the breeder needs to do that...

You could take him back to the breeder and cite that as your reason...In my opinion...

Hand-rearing a baby is dangerous and doesn't help the bond long-term. Plus, cockatoos aren't easy birds as adults...I would see what you can do to back-track before he gets too attached or before you make a mistake with weaning.

They are super loud, they are super needy and they are a lot of work, forever. If you don't love him, you won't have the motivation to put up with it, because sometimes, that's all that keeps you going lol. Even well-loved birds get re-homed--especially "Toos".
Did you research cockatoos before getting one? I mean, he's not even an adult yet and you are doubting now- and the adults are much more challenging behaviorally.

 

[Caitcultclassic]

Yes, I’ve actually spent years researching and working with parrot sanctuaries (they don’t adopt out) before him. He also isn’t my own first bird. And it seemed like a big sign from the universe to get him because everything fell perfectly into place. I’m not sure what really changed after I got him—besides my increasing depression that I am working on.

This was by no means a light decision. And Percy is a wonderful bird, kind and sweet and loving, but the problem is me and I’m unsure if it will change. That’s where I am at, really. If I don’t love him enough than I don’t deserve him—but idk if I’m chalking it up to depression or if this is a real thing.

 

[itzjbean]

Cockatoos of any kind are not for the faint of heart. They are challenging to own. I'm sorry you are feeling regret in your purchase. The bigger the bird the more they take over your life, especially with cats in the picture, it can definitely complicate things. Cockatoos are social and want to be the center of attention. When you have other pets, it can make it much harder to meet those needs.

Would you feel the same way about him if your job was still intact? If money weren't an issue? You are right in that it takes time to form a trust bond, and perhaps you are feeling buyer's remorse, it's almost sounds like a new mother experiencing post-partum depression - little emotion for the newcomer, annoyed at the sounds they make, irritated at the constant care and need for attention....sounds very similar to what some mothers experience after bringing a new baby home.

The good thing in this situation is...you can always bring it back to the breeder. It's only been a week and if you are having such a strong reaction to this bird, perhaps it would be a wise decision to return him. There is honestly no shame in admitting you can't handle this bird. They are handfuls! It's why I only own cokatiels, little birds lol. I know I would NOT be able to handle a cockatoo.

I guess you have to really decide yourself if this is something you truly want. Can you learn to accept and love his noises, antics and challenges as he grows? A 40+ year commitment of balancing time between your other cats/ your bird along with a new possibly overseas job....it sounds like a lot for one person. I always recommend anyone contemplating a bird like that to have as stable a life as possible, as in, no changes happening in the foreseeable future.

One of the most important things about getting a bird is the cost of owning them and caring for them. If you don't have an income or money coming in, you really need to ask yourself if owning this kind of bird is right for you, perhaps giving it back to the breeder would be best for you, your cats, and your future since your job is up in question at the moment. If you do give this bird up, please don't get another one unless you are settled firmly in a house you call your own, a stable income and way of transportation.

 

[Caitcultclassic]

I’ll talk to the breeder today. When I was first talking to the breeder I had a job and a more permanent place to be, but things have not worked out (thank you covid). My stable life quickly became unstable after I had him in my hands (The uncertainty is a cause of my depression).

I also have been unable to take him to a vet because of shutdowns like I originally had planned.

 

[noodles123]

I'm sorry you're struggling.
I hope it gets easier-- at least you recognize this early (rather than later). I mean, your life will get easier, but the bird will get more challenging (and expensive), so just keep that in mind when you make this call. Even if you don't send him back for good, they need to do the weaning...

The other thing to remember is that depression is usually semi-cyclical-- so even though this will pass, there will likely be other bouts down the road due to financial strain, marital issues, etc etc (all of the joys of adulthood--MAN, I sound optimistic....! ha) BUT- you know what I mean? If you have a family etc in the future, you also have to consider how the bird may impact that dynamic and those finances. I am not trying to make you feel bad, but if you have a job, 2 kids, a spouse and this bird, will that stress be too upsetting?

ANY parrot is going to be a ton of work because they are all like perpetual toddlers, but cockatoos are uniquely challenging and living with another species doesn't fully prepare you for long-term work with a cockatoo. In small-doses, they are hilarious clowns/show-offs, but half of what makes them endearing ends up harming them (e.g., desire to be cuddled-which must be avoided due to the hormonal root of the issue)..and their neediness if not properly taught sufficient independence (which is still light a constant fight against nature)..I guess I am just saying, if you are 100% on-board forever, then they can be great, but just make sure you know what you are signing up for.

 

[Caitcultclassic]

I wonder why a sanctuary of all paces sold you an unweaned cockatoo...

I'm sorry you're struggling.
I hope it gets easier-- at least you recognize this early (rather than later). I mean, your life will get easier, but the bird will get more challenging (and expensive), so just keep that in mind when you make this call. Even if you don't send him back for good, they need to do the weaning...

Sorry if this was confusing, I had volunteered at sanctuaries for years before this (while I was in university). I did this while I couldn’t be with my Quaker, and after my Quaker passed due to a cluster seizure exhaustion (which has traumatized me more than I realized).

I’m no longer in the same city as my university, and managed to find what I thought was a wonderful breeder and it seemed like everything fell into place. I originally planned to adopt, but like I said this seems perfect at first. He is 12 weeks and around 280 grams (I am weighing him daily), and he does eat solids but does beg so I give him a mash that the breeder did recommend. They are saying it’s just a behavior they do—but it seems to be wasnt abundance weaned. He also does fly extremely well. He is healthy and so sweet but this is an issue I am having.

 

[noodles123]

I wonder why a sanctuary of all paces sold you an unweaned cockatoo...

I'm sorry you're struggling.
I hope it gets easier-- at least you recognize this early (rather than later). I mean, your life will get easier, but the bird will get more challenging (and expensive), so just keep that in mind when you make this call. Even if you don't send him back for good, they need to do the weaning...

Sorry if this was confusing, I had volunteered at sanctuaries for years before this (while I was in university). I did this while I couldn’t be with my Quaker, and after my Quaker passed due to a cluster seizure exhaustion (which has traumatized me more than I realized).

I’m no longer in the same city as my university, and managed to find what I thought was a wonderful breeder and it seemed like everything fell into place. I originally planned to adopt, but like I said this seems perfect at first. He is 12 weeks and around 280 grams (I am weighing him daily), and he does eat solids but does beg so I give him a mash that the breeder did recommend. They are saying it’s just a behavior they do—but it seems to be wasnt abundance weaned. He also does fly extremely well. He is healthy and so sweet but this is an issue I am having.

I re-read what you wrote and edited my original post before you replied lol- I understand now (I just mis-read---your statement was actually clear). I added some stuff that that post above. Forced-weaning is no good.

 

[Scott]

I applaud your forthright discussion of a serious dilemma and hope it brings a sort of catharsis. You have laid out a case for either returning Pers to the breeder for complete weaning or permanent re-homing. As "noodles" suggests, depression is cyclical and a hasty decision may lead to intense guilt or longing for reunion. I also see a nexus of anxiety between the cats and passing of your quaker. You need not answer, but might benefit from exploring this issue if currently in therapy. (confidentiality)

Perhaps a grand compromise would be for Pers to finish weaning at the breeder while you reevaluate the future. You'll have time to contemplate life without him and make a better informed decision for mutual benefit. Whether or not you disclose intent to the breeder is immaterial - they should never have placed you and Pers in a potentially untenable situation.

 

[Caitcultclassic]

After talking to the breeder they are willing to “buy him back” on a hold (for a limited time) to see how I am feeling/my current situation and if I have consistent income etc.

Because I have also been in constant contact with them they know I just want what is best for him. He deserves the world over and I don’t think I can safely supply this right now. Thank you all, I just feel absolutely terrible about my decisions and completely guilt ridden that I can’t be the best right now.

 

[noodles123]

This doesn't have to be permanent--and if it is, you handled it much more responsibly than most.

 

[Caitcultclassic]

Thank you. I know I actually do care for him, the thought of giving him up actually tore me a part, but he is one of the best birds in the world and deserves the best. We shall see if I can give him that or not (as I had originally planned).

 

[Caitcultclassic]

The breeder backtracked. They won’t take him back, and are still claiming he was fully weaned. I’m now unsure what to do.

 

[noodles123]

The breeder backtracked. They won’t take him back, and are still claiming he was fully weaned. I’m now unsure what to do.

What was his reasoning?
That doesn't exactly look good for his business- I mean, I get that he might have concerns about disease or something, but you are a one-bird house and if you are telling him that you want him to take back the bird, it seems odd that he wouldn't when it's still very young and people would be interested....Did he explain himself? It makes it look like he doesn't care for the bird's welfare very much at all and is just in it for the money...I wish I knew what he was thinking other than dollar signs...but even then, he could still sell the bird...so....???

Would he do it if you were certain that you would not change your mind?

Maybe he doesn't want to go back and forth---I mean, I guess if he keeps the bird for a period of time and then you decide you DON'T want it back , then he would maybe lose a profit because it's harder to convince SOME people to buy a bird that isn't a super-young baby (which is ludicrous...but, he probably deals with uninformed people who think, the younger the bird, the better for bonding--which is so backwards--but it could be the market)...So then he could be "stuck" with a bird that has greater needs for interaction and play than the really young/docile babies he deals with typically..?

 

[Caitcultclassic]

The breeder backtracked. They won’t take him back, and are still claiming he was fully weaned. I’m now unsure what to do.

What was his reasoning?
That doesn't exactly look good for his business- I mean, I get that he might have concerns about disease or something, but you are a one-bird house and if you are telling him that you want him to take back the bird, it seems odd that he wouldn't when it's still very young and people would be interested....Did he explain himself? It makes it look like he doesn't care for the bird's welfare very much at all and is just in it for the money...I wish I knew what he was thinking other than dollar signs...but even then, he could still sell the bird...so....???

Would he do it if you were certain that you would not change your mind?

Maybe he doesn't want to go back and forth---I mean, I guess if he keeps the bird for a period of time and then you decide you DON'T want it back , then he would maybe lose a profit because it's harder to convince SOME people to buy a bird that isn't a super-young baby (which is ludicrous...but, he probably deals with uninformed people who think, the younger the bird, the better for bonding--which is so backwards--but it could be the market)...So then he could be "stuck" with a bird that has greater needs for interaction and play than the really young/docile babies he deals with typically..?

I’m afraid it might be about money. They claim since they many dogs so they can’t keep him inside due to it being unsafe to fly, and they don’t have the room to house him properly for long. They are saying instead of holding him or refunding me they can only take the bird back to resell it and then I would get what the next person pays. I am trying to confront them and they are saying it’s just regressive behavior due to a new environment—I am confident it is not. I’m getting in contact with my avian vet, I in no way can confidentially handle caring for these needs without causing any trauma. I solely want the bird to be happy and each day I’m realizing I can’t provide that as I thought I was able to.

They are trying to stay as a “contact for help” but I’m realizing this is probably just them trying to be nice without having to take him back.

 

[noodles123]

The breeder backtracked. They won’t take him back, and are still claiming he was fully weaned. I’m now unsure what to do.

What was his reasoning?
That doesn't exactly look good for his business- I mean, I get that he might have concerns about disease or something, but you are a one-bird house and if you are telling him that you want him to take back the bird, it seems odd that he wouldn't when it's still very young and people would be interested....Did he explain himself? It makes it look like he doesn't care for the bird's welfare very much at all and is just in it for the money...I wish I knew what he was thinking other than dollar signs...but even then, he could still sell the bird...so....???

Would he do it if you were certain that you would not change your mind?

Maybe he doesn't want to go back and forth---I mean, I guess if he keeps the bird for a period of time and then you decide you DON'T want it back , then he would maybe lose a profit because it's harder to convince SOME people to buy a bird that isn't a super-young baby (which is ludicrous...but, he probably deals with uninformed people who think, the younger the bird, the better for bonding--which is so backwards--but it could be the market)...So then he could be "stuck" with a bird that has greater needs for interaction and play than the really young/docile babies he deals with typically..?

I’m afraid it might be about money. They claim since they many dogs so they can’t keep him inside due to it being unsafe to fly, and they don’t have the room to house him properly for long. They are saying instead of holding him or refunding me they can only take the bird back to resell it and then I would get what the next person pays. I am trying to confront them and they are saying it’s just regressive behavior due to a new environment—I am confident it is not. I’m getting in contact with my avian vet, I in no way can confidentially handle caring for these needs without causing any trauma. I solely want the bird to be happy and each day I’m realizing I can’t provide that as I thought I was able to.

They are trying to stay as a “contact for help” but I’m realizing this is probably just them trying to be nice without having to take him back.

1. IF THE BIRD ISN'T WEANED- It's totally unethical. PERIOD.

If weaning is a non-issue, I guess that kind of goes along with what I said about him not typically caring for older babies-- there is a huge difference between a 3 month old, vs a 5 month old vs a 1 year-old baby. If his chicks cannot fly then there is certainly less risk to them from other animals etc (and it's also a bit easier to provide for their "activity" needs and housing). This is why I could never be a breeder.

What he said sucks, but it kind of makes sense in terms of the whole re-sell/business factor (and even in terms of husbandry to some extent)-- he probably would take the financial loss himself if you didn't, so in his mind, he's probably thinking, I can sell the bird at a slightly lower price than a new baby, but if he gives you a full refund, then he will take the loss himself...in the event that he has to sell the bird at a lot less. I mean, there are good people in the world who breed birds, but it's a business...and that is what makes it upsetting in many cases- I am not sure that compassion and profit are very complimentary bed-mates when money is involved (at the same time, if he runs out of money, then the other birds suffer too, which is why I am not a fan of breeding in general because of all of the complicated decisions it would involve (even for the most ethical)..add to that the fact that many breeders DO NOT care, and you have a very complicated industry.

He may be super-sketchy or he may be legit and worried about a bigger picture, but in any breeding scenario, money is a huge factor, as it is what keeps the wheels turning. How long did you say you had the bird?
I guess you have to decide if you want to find a home for your bird or if you want him to do it (if that is the route you take).

Sadly, breeders have to be concerned with money--most don't get into it for free. It's understandable to an extent (if you look at it as a business), but, at the same time, some are ONLY concerned about the money. FAR too many (again, not all) will sell to anyone willing to buy (unless they are really upstanding and devoted to the bird's welfare)...Especially because they have limited space and an overhead cost to maintain..which is why there is a fine line between practical and sketchy (In my humble opinion). Even some really "good" breeders will sell cockatoos to first-time-owners without asking much, and that alone upsets me. It's complicated I guess...IDK, now I'm veering off topic...

 

[Caitcultclassic]

I was willing to not take the full refund, and help look for a new home. He is about to be 13 weeks old, and I’ve actually only had him around a week and a half, so he is still very young. I understand, I’m just frustrated with myself. I thought I was ready and prepared and I wasn’t. He may actually be regressing so much just because of feeding off my own stress without realizing it.

I’m just not sure I can meet his needs. And they have offered to help me look for any new homes. I have enough saved to pay bills and keep up his quality care for about a month or two, and that isn’t including an upcoming vet bill (because I typically go the whole 9 yards for an initial health exam).

This may sound even more terrible of me, but I think the two main problems are 1. I’m now stuck in a cycle of depression with not much action to take and 2. I realized I actually didn’t want another bird I wanted my old bird (who has passed) and it caused more trauma than I realized. I keep expecting him to act like Yoshi and I keep calling him Yoshi on accident. I thought I moved on but obviously I haven’t. This is also getting in the way of me bonding with him and treating him as his own individual. Which is completely unfair to Percy. I’m going to give Percy as much love, attention and care as he deserves—the problem is just wholly me. But I am realizing he needs a better home, because I can’t sustain the life I had planned for him.

 

[noodles123]

I was willing to not take the full refund, and help look for a new home. He is about to be 13 weeks old, and I’ve actually only had him around a week and a half, so he is still very young. I understand, I’m just frustrated with myself. I thought I was ready and prepared and I wasn’t. He may actually be regressing so much just because of feeding off my own stress without realizing it.

I’m just not sure I can meet his needs. And they have offered to help me look for any new homes. I have enough saved to pay bills and keep up his quality care for about a month or two, and that isn’t including an upcoming vet bill (because I typically go the whole 9 yards for an initial health exam).

This may sound even more terrible of me, but I think the two main problems are 1. I’m now stuck in a cycle of depression with not much action to take and 2. I realized I actually didn’t want another bird I wanted my old bird (who has passed) and it caused more trauma than I realized. I keep expecting him to act like Yoshi and I keep calling him Yoshi on accident. I thought I moved on but obviously I haven’t. This is also getting in the way of me bonding with him and treating him as his own individual. Which is completely unfair to Percy. I’m going to give Percy as much love, attention and care as he deserves–the problem is just wholly me. But I am realizing he needs a better home, because I can’t sustain the life I had planned for him.

If you've only had him a week...I think he is trying to milk it...maybe I am missing something, but that seems far from compassionate. Maybe I am missing something--but this is a living being...not a new car you just drove off the lot. Ugh..I would think he could re-sell him without issue....surely he has some of the same birds he had there one week ago when you picked yours up..

To be clear- I am not defending him in my post above. I think money and creatures rarely mix well, and when they do, it is often for the worse...

It seems that it would be difficult to make money on a large scale operation and never make compromises that would potentially harm a bird...I mean, unless someone is just independently wealthy.....I am not saying that there aren't good mom-and-pop breeders out there that sort of supplement their income with it as a hobby, but a lot of the bigger ones concern me because it's more of a business than a passion at that point (not trying to offend anyone---again...)..but when money is your goal, how is it possible to do the best for all of your birds? I just don't think it is likely on a large scale..because so much capital is wrapped up in it at that point.

 

[Caitcultclassic]

I was willing to not take the full refund, and help look for a new home. He is about to be 13 weeks old, and I’ve actually only had him around a week and a half, so he is still very young. I understand, I’m just frustrated with myself. I thought I was ready and prepared and I wasn’t. He may actually be regressing so much just because of feeding off my own stress without realizing it.

I’m just not sure I can meet his needs. And they have offered to help me look for any new homes. I have enough saved to pay bills and keep up his quality care for about a month or two, and that isn’t including an upcoming vet bill (because I typically go the whole 9 yards for an initial health exam).

This may sound even more terrible of me, but I think the two main problems are 1. I’m now stuck in a cycle of depression with not much action to take and 2. I realized I actually didn’t want another bird I wanted my old bird (who has passed) and it caused more trauma than I realized. I keep expecting him to act like Yoshi and I keep calling him Yoshi on accident. I thought I moved on but obviously I haven’t. This is also getting in the way of me bonding with him and treating him as his own individual. Which is completely unfair to Percy. I’m going to give Percy as much love, attention and care as he deserves–the problem is just wholly me. But I am realizing he needs a better home, because I can’t sustain the life I had planned for him.

If you've only had him a week...I think he is trying to milk it...maybe I am missing something, but that seems far from compassionate. Maybe I am missing something--but this is a living being...not a new car you just drove off the lot. Ugh..I would think he could re-sell him without issue....surely he has some of the same birds he had there one week ago when you picked yours up..

To be clear- I am not defending him in my post above. I think money and creatures rarely mix well, and when they do, it is often for the worse...

It seems that it would be difficult to make money and never make compromises that would potentially harm a bird...I mean, unless someone is just independently wealthy...but that alone gives me pause.

That is what I was thinking. They said to check back again in two weeks, but I’m going to continue to consult with my avian vet and just see what she thinks is best.

 

[Scott]

I was willing to not take the full refund, and help look for a new home. He is about to be 13 weeks old, and I’ve actually only had him around a week and a half, so he is still very young. I understand, I’m just frustrated with myself. I thought I was ready and prepared and I wasn’t. He may actually be regressing so much just because of feeding off my own stress without realizing it.

I’m just not sure I can meet his needs. And they have offered to help me look for any new homes. I have enough saved to pay bills and keep up his quality care for about a month or two, and that isn’t including an upcoming vet bill (because I typically go the whole 9 yards for an initial health exam).

This may sound even more terrible of me, but I think the two main problems are 1. I’m now stuck in a cycle of depression with not much action to take and 2. I realized I actually didn’t want another bird I wanted my old bird (who has passed) and it caused more trauma than I realized. I keep expecting him to act like Yoshi and I keep calling him Yoshi on accident. I thought I moved on but obviously I haven’t. This is also getting in the way of me bonding with him and treating him as his own individual. Which is completely unfair to Percy. I’m going to give Percy as much love, attention and care as he deserves–the problem is just wholly me. But I am realizing he needs a better home, because I can’t sustain the life I had planned for him.

Superb insight and ethics, I deeply empathize with you in a confluence of unfortunate circumstance. Perhaps a most beneficial and therapeutic outlook is to focus on finding Percy a superb new home. With a window of a few months you may be able secure a loving and secure situation.