I Made a Mistake and My Parrot Won't Forgive Me

[Doodeyfoodle]

Hello all,

I was wondering if someone had some advice for me. I own a four year-old, hand-reared, female Red-Bellied Parrot. Her name is Nikita. Up until about four months ago she was a real sweetie: loved scratches, jabbered to me all day, and was playful and active. One day I made a mistake and I (as well as she) have been paying for it ever since. I will give a detailed description, so this will be a long story.

She has "normal" squawking and jabbering, and she also has a very particular call she sends out to try and get me to do things (come into the room, feed her, pay attention, etc.) She knows she's not supposed to do this, and I ignore it as best I can, but if she's being very bad I will calmly tell her to stop. If she keeps going she gets a warning that I'm going to put her in her cage if she continues. This is usually enough. If she persists I tell her she's being bad and put her in her cage with a blanket over it for a few minutes. 95% of the time this solves the problem and then I let her out again. If she keeps screaming in her cage, even with the cover over top, I tell her she'll get a time-out. This has happened and I put her in the closet on the hanger-rack. I partially close the door and leave her for a few minutes. She does not like this and she has never screamed past this point. Whenever I would pick her up to put her in the closet she would comply, however, and climb up on my hand without issue (she's smart enough to know she's being bad).

Her cage is in my room, as I have a roommate and can't keep her anywhere else. In the mornings she's supposed to be relatively quiet until I get up, and most days she is good with this. I would make sure she had fresh food and water the night before, as not having either of these was the usual cause of her screaming in the morning. If she would scream in the morning I would use the same treatment as described above and this would work. I don't normally leave the cover on her cage when she sleeps as I want to keep it symbolic of her misbehaving.

Well one (fateful) morning, she had screamed her way into being put in the cage and having the cover put on top. Then she continued. Normally I would tell her she was bad and give her the "timeout" warning before taking her to the closet, but this time I just got up, pulled the cover off the cage, and quickly put my hand in to get her to come up. I did this so fast that she freaked out and fluttered around the cage until she got past my hand and out into the room, landing on the floor. This has never happened before. I leaned down to get her and she ran away from me as fast as she could. This has also never happened before. She hid under my desk and pulled back as far from me as she could. I tried to talk to her to calm her down so I could get her back in her cage, but when I put my hand forward she freaked out again and bit me (she'd stopped biting me when she aged past her "terrible two's"). I left her to calm down for a long time before I finally got her back into her cage.

This was four months ago. To this day she won't voluntarily climb onto my hand and she almost always backs away from me whenever I get close. She's not active anymore and just sits in her cage all day, usually in the same spot, and gets agitated if I get up from my computer to walk past her cage to the kitchen (I work from home, so I see her all day). It breaks my heart because it looks like she's miserable all day, and bored to death, because she thinks I'm going to hurt her, when all I want is to be nice to her and give her scratches again. I speak to her throughout the day, share food with her (which she will take from me), and can sometimes get her to come over for a very small scratch through the cage bars, but she's definitely not comfortable and not active.

There are some strange exceptions to this behaviour, which are as follows:

1. If my girlfriend is around, Nikita mellows out quite a bit and becomes more chatty and will tolerate much more open scratches, and come up on my hand. It took Nikita a long time to tolerate my girlfriend, so it's weird that my girlfriend and I have "switched" with regards to the bird - Nikita likes my girlfriend and only likes me if she's around.

2. At night she mellows out and will often try to come over to my computer desk. After the sun goes down she likes to sit behind my keyboard, which is just below the main desk, in a little "cave". She'll get chatty to get my attention and nod yes when I ask her if she wants to come over and she'll even give me kisses to sweeten the deal. She'll tolerate a small amount of scratching but really it's all so she can get behind the keyboard.

3. I had to go on a trip and took her with me. Right away, even once she was in the car, she was super-friendly and chatty. When I got to the place I was staying she was a sweetie all over again - fully back to "normal" and loved attention and scratches.

These are exceptions, of course, and while I like those small moments they almost make me more sad because they remind of the bird she used to be. My understanding of her perspective is that since I didn't give her a verbal warning before taking her from her cage when she was screaming, I scared her and she interpreted my hand as a predator surprising her. She hasn't let this fear go, despite months of little scratches, sweet-talking her during the day, giving her space, etc. I've tried being proactive - talking to her, giving her little scratches, giving her treats - and being withdrawn - only responding to her when she would call out. I'm selfish and want to enjoy her company for my own sake, but more than that it kills me to see her sitting in the same spot all day long, nervous that I might try to do something mean to her. I want Nikita back.

I know this is a long, long story, but it's because I want so desperately to get my bird back that I feel I should be as detailed as possible. If anyone has any advice, or knows of anything I could do, please help me out and share your tips.

Here she is in younger, happier times:

 

[Auggie's Dad]

Welcome to the forum and sorry to hear about the mishap. I for one appreciate a detailed description. I've worked with many owners to work out behavioral issues with pets, generally the hardest part of the whole process is getting an accurate account of the situation - if every owner could describe their pets behavior and the relevant situations this clearly and in such detail my job would be a breeze.

My job of helping you figure out how to get the old Nikita back may be a breeze, but still your job of actually following through may take time and patience.

First thing I want to do is ask a difficult question to which I hope you do not take offense. In fact you need not answer it here, but consider it for yourself: How angry were you with Nikita when you reached in the cage? Animals do not speak the same spoken language as us, but they utilize and recognize all the same emotions. I will be the first to admit that I have a temper, a horrible temper, it is my biggest character flaw which I continually work on. Perhaps this is something for you to consider for yourself. If I am completely off please take no offense, but consider that there is something in you that scared Nikita, perhaps it is a litmus test of an aspect of your personality that you don't often expose outside your own home. Having your girlfriend around may be a buffer, you are in different form when she is around.

Now, enough with the soul searching aspect and on to more concrete tools of how to rebuild trust between you and Nikita:

The fact that she was good on the trip is very good news. Have you gone on more than one such trip with her? If not, could you? The fear and/or lack of trust is likely associated with many things: you, the cage, the room, and everything else in the home environment. Trying to deal with all those at once can be daunting, so take them one at a time. Take Nikita somewhere else and spend time with her. If you work from home I suspect it wouldn't be to hard to work from a DIFFERENT home for a short while - perhaps with family, a friend, or even a motel room that would allow a bird. If Nikita is comfortable with you in those other environments the overall task will be easy: change your room. Take down or change pictures and posters, rearrange the furniture, change the curtains, etc. Even if your home is just perfect the way it is change it around for a while, then little by little as Nikita regains trust put things back the way they were one piece of furniture or decoration at a time.

The second point of her being better at night is also suggestive. While I know I risk sounding like a cliche therapist in asking some of this, but: is your work stressful? Or frustrating perhaps? Do you drink a lot of coffee during the day? One way or another Nikita sees something in you during the day that scares her or reminds her of the time you reached in the cage. Figure out what that is and you'll make good headway in solving the problem.

I look forward to hearing more and tailoring some tools to help rebuild Nikita's trust, but I think the best first step is a (temporary) change of scenery for the two of you.

 

[Doodeyfoodle]

Thank you so much for your detailed reply. I appreciate your candour as regards anger. I am certain that what scared Nikita was both the suddenness of my taking the cover off her cage combined with my anger at the situation. This was an issue. I was not violent to her nor was I yelling (not announcing myself is part of what scared her, I think), but I was quick and firm, and I think that was definitely a factor. I don't think there is a longterm issue with regards to anger, but it is a worthwhile issue to keep an eye on.

I will try to rearrange my room as much as I can, which I fear won't be a lot. I think your idea is a good one. Her behaviour while on the trip was the most positive and was a full return to "normal," so I think that's a good angle to exploit. Thanks again!

 

[Doodeyfoodle]

I have another question: sometimes during the day she jabbers a bit - good talking. Should I respond to her for communication or should I let her keep talking uninterrupted to encourage her confidence? It appears that she wants me to chat with her because she'll respond to me, and if I just let her jabber, she'll start with her more insistent calls.

 

[Doodeyfoodle]

Just an update: we're going on a trip this weekend so Nikita will have a chance for a big change of scenery. Her behaviour has been improving. I'm giving her plenty of space, but in the mornings and early afternoons she's still apprehensive about scratches unless they're through the cage bars. She's definitely becoming more vocal and jabbers at me for attention in the later afternoon, when I can chat with her and get her to come over to get a scratch through the bars. So things are looking up!

 

[Auggie's Dad]

Good to here - and sorry we missed out on the previous question.

As they learn to say new things (or try to learn) they first listen to get a sensory "image" of the sound in their mind, then they practice various sounds. They can't simply "mimic" that sound they have memorized, rather they make various sounds and compare them to the sensory "image" of the sound and make adjustments as they go. Usually "jabbering" is their practicing, she's probably trying to mimic sounds or words she has heard. You can definitely give her some feedback on how she is doing - not only is she testing out different sounds to see which ones match the sound image she has but also seeing which ones 'work' by getting the intended response.

If you want to her to be a great talker you can be conservative with praise for her talking, only praising or responding when she gets it just right. If you want her to be a happy social bird and don't care about talking you can respond more liberally. Auggie and I talk all the time, but there are very few words anyone else would recognize - instead we've made our own language. I mimic his 'jabbering' just as much as he mimics my speech. Over time various sounds or syllables may take on various meanings... we need not always teach a parrot OUR language, rather you and your parrot can create a new language.

So, short answer: let her practice her jabbering, but occasionally respond - especially to pleasant sounds. You can respond with praise, or simply by repeating what you her her mumble.

Let us know how the trip goes.