How do you politely ask someone to... well, go away?

[Dinosrawr]

Just a warning.. this is a bit ranty and perhaps petty, but I'm at my wits end.

Lately I'm having a hard time dealing with my boyfriend's friend. He moved here from two provinces away and we gladly offered to let him stay with us until he got on his feet. The only problem is that he's been with us for over a month now when he said he'd be with us for maybe three weeks and as a result we have zero privacy. He refuses to set up his gaming console and TV in his room because it's "pointless" for when he moves, so he's always in our room playing on Brendon's XBox. Whenever I get home, he's in our room due to his work schedule (5 AM to 2 PM) with my birds and in "my" space.

I'm all for their socialization, but I'm tired of him complaining to me about Avery biting him when she's in a mood and Shiko not being fond of him. And basically him trying to be a know-it-all and telling Brendon's family the temperament of my birds/how to handle them when they've been around my birds since the first day I got either of them. Plus the fact that I haven't spent one-on-one time with my birds since he's been here because he picks up Avery or Shiko the minute he's home, so I can't even relax and talk to them about my day like I always have to unwind after work.

For the first two weeks I honestly didn't mind, then he started saying he might not find a place until November. Brendon and I put our foot down and said no, October is even pushing it. It's starting to get to both of us. Last night we were both in our PJ's, in bed, waiting for him to leave our room and get off the XBox. Normally it wouldn't be an issue for the average household, but our basement suite is built like a bachelor pad. We're waiting to have some renovations done to add a spare room for the birds and add some laminate flooring, but we can't do any of that until he's gone... so my impatience is building.

How on earth do I tell him that I need my space back? We already tried approaching the topic a week ago, and he essentially went to his room, called his mom, and had a good pity party about us "wanting him gone". He came out being adamant he would find a place, but we haven't heard anything yet. When Brendon and I visited him this summer while he was living at his parent's house on the lake, I cleaned his kitchen in the morning, emptied/loaded the dishwasher, fed his dog and cat, and walked his dog before he was even awake. All he does here is open the bird cages, play on the XBox, and go to bed. He's cooked supper twice since being here. So I'm sure some of you can see how I'm anxious about this. Sigh.

 

[Aquila]

I hate to say to give him an ultimatum, but if he's not going to leave willingly, tell him he needs to pay rent starting in October, even if it's just a bluff to get him out. It's YOUR home, and you have no obligations to keep him there. I don't think he'd hurt your birds, but you know it's in their best interest that he leave.

You should both sit him down again, give him a firm date and time to be out, and stick to it. You've already warned him. Please don't feel guilty for telling him he needs to leave. I've been in your position before (and sort of in it right now,) and as much as I hate to threaten people, you might have to.

 

[DexMom]

I hate guests that won't leave. I have a few family members that tend to make a visit that was supposed to last a few days, turn into a month. So, I understand. My latest strategy to get them to leave is making their stay increasingly less comfortable. Stop filling the fridge with goodies, stop cooking meals, stop buying beer (this one always gets rid of my brother-in-law lol), turn off the wifi, etc.

In your case, I would have your boyfriend tell him that the XBox is off limits. It will keep him out of your space and he'll be bored and maybe actually start looking for a place of his own. If he complains, tell him maybe he'd be happier crashing with someone else.

 

[Dinosrawr]

It's really hard. He always makes ironic statements about how in "this house" there's no privacy and how someone is always somewhere (as he's sitting in my room telling me this). I think we do need to just sit him down and be upfront. I can't really handle him being in my space for much longer to be honest... I want my privacy back.

 

[getwozzy]

You might have to check your local laws because at this point you might have to evict him. I know here (and no- I am NOT a legal professional...just stating what I've read in certain situations) if they've lived with you for a certain period of time then you have to go through the official eviction process, even if they're not on the rental lease. This would most likely involve serving him a 30-day eviction notice, I believe it can be sooner if he fails to pay rent.

BUT- IMHO I'd take his Xbox out of MY room myself and place it in HIS room and get a locking doorknob with a key that I'd keep with me.

There's NO reason he needs to be in your space ALL. THE. TIME. How annoying.

I'd also tell him he has until the 1st to find somewhere else to live- no if's ands or butts. He's had PLENTY of time to get his living situation figured out, and it sounds like he's taking advantage of his current situation.

 

[Doublete]

Id make sure your bf is on the same page as you and sit down and explain that while you understand this friend needed a hand up you are no longer in the position to give him hand outs any more. He is more than welcome to contribute to rent and food and electric but he has 30 days to find new arrangements because you want your home back.

Just be point blank.
And if he tries to get a pity party... Too bad.

 

[Dinosrawr]

You might have to check your local laws because at this point you might have to evict him. I know here (and no- I am NOT a legal professional...just stating what I've read in certain situations) if they've lived with you for a certain period of time then you have to go through the official eviction process, even if they're not on the rental lease. This would most likely involve serving him a 30-day eviction notice, I believe it can be sooner if he fails to pay rent.

BUT- IMHO I'd take his Xbox out of MY room myself and place it in HIS room and get a locking doorknob with a key that I'd keep with me.

There's NO reason he needs to be in your space ALL. THE. TIME. How annoying.

I'd also tell him he has until the 1st to find somewhere else to live- no if's ands or butts. He's had PLENTY of time to get his living situation figured out, and it sounds like he's taking advantage of his current situation.

The worst part is that it's our XBox - he has his own TV, his own XBox, and all of the stuff he needs. He just refuses to get it out of the stuff he brought in to set it up in his room. Then he complains he has no privacy, except for the fact that we NEVER go into his room unless we need things printed. So he does have the choice to have privacy, but we certainly don't. We just come home and he's in our room.

Id make sure your bf is on the same page as you and sit down and explain that while you understand this friend needed a hand up you are no longer in the position to give him hand outs any more. He is more than welcome to contribute to rent and food and electric but he has 30 days to find new arrangements because you want your home back.

Just be point blank.
And if he tries to get a pity party... Too bad.

He is, in fact we were both very bothered by this last night. Plus we would really like to get on with our renovations so that the birds can finally have a room to their own and can be out of their cages all day when we're not home. I'm hoping I can at least talk him into setting his own stuff up so I can have my space back. We may just have to employ a hard and fast rule for him soon, though. He's making good money, he's got a good job, so there's no reason for him to not be actively looking for new accommodations.

 

[getwozzy]

I would put a lock on the door then and tell him he's not allowed in your room. You and your bf need your privacy, it's your place, and it's your Xbox--
He can go live with his mom and throw a pity party.

 

[sonja]

Set boundaries and be clear and direct. Pick a date he must move out by and tell him. Don't waffle around waiting for him to do something. He needs to know that you are serious and if he is not out by whatever day you choose, you will be boxing up his things and moving them out to the garage, or wherever, but that you hope it doesn't come to this because you value his friendship. Then, stick to it.

 

[SailBoat]

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished! And, it time to stop being Good.

Tell your 'guest' that he is out of your home this Saturday. Take him to a Self-Storage Facility 'now' and force him to rent a stall. Now, start moving his stuff out of your home so that when Saturday arrives there is only a couple of things remaining.

Set-up to have the Locksmith at your home midday to cut new Keys.

Stop being Good, it is clearly not working.

 

[Birdman666]

If it were me:

We agreed to put you up for three weeks. That was ___ weeks ago. We allowed you to move in here on a temporary basis based on the representation that you were getting your own place.

While we were happy to help you, and I don't want to appear impolite, we did not take you on as a permanent house guest... and this is becoming a bit too much.

Please make other living arrangements by no later than _______________ [insert date here.]

[Then, be firm, don't listen to anymore B.S.] AND IF HE DOES GIVE YOU ANY BS?!

You got a problem with that?! I remind you that you are a guest in our home, and are expected to behave like a guest.

We extended our hospitality to you out of the goodness of our hearts, but since you feel that way about it - If you are going to cause a scene, well, then your alternative is that you can pack your things and find a motel right now... tonight...

And if he really gets out of line?! I'm sure the local authorities have a room for you downtown. Shall I call them?!

 

[JerseyWendy]

Oftentimes the old saying 'No good deed goes unpunished' is true - unfortunately.

You have to put your foot down (or put your foot 'somewhere'... :54, in order to get him out. Sorry for sounding harsh, but tippy-toeing around this whole situation won't inspire your house guest to do anything.

 

[Mariar]

This is why mike and I no longer have roommates ..we had to kick out the last two due to disrespect and lack of cleanliness . We were nice about it at first then we had a meeting with rules and said if you don't like it ..get out!!! Next thing we knew we were helping them pack..quickly lol

 

[Dinosrawr]

Well, we talked to him last night because it was stressing me out. He needs to be out by October 12th and no later. He came up August 12th, it's already past September 12th, and If he has no place to go by that time then he'll just have to figure it out himself. I really don't want Brendon to have a rocky friendship with the guy because of this as they've been best friends for over 10 years, but I know personally none of my friends would ever behave this way towards me. He's just being lazy and I'm sick of it.

Thankfully he appeared to understand when I explained to him that we had no problem taking him on, but that we're struggling adults as it is and we're certainly not ready to take on any long term dependent. If I wanted that, I'd have my own biological child. He said he's been looking but hasn't been sure where to start, so I simply told him he can look on Kijiji and that when he's found 3-5 places to look at to bring them to me so I could review them and we could discuss if they're a viable option. That way I can actually keep track of the fact that he's actively looking but still help him out.

You guys are definitely right. Me tip-toeing and being overly kind are getting me nowhere. I'm being extremely generous with the date for him to be gone, but I guess the reason being is that Brendon would be so uncomfortable just cutting off his best friend like that (despite him basically being a lazy leech at the moment). When I moved between four different places here in Saskatoon, I was able to find a place within 1-3 weeks of looking and visiting locations. There's no reason he can't either.

Thanks for giving me the confidence to take control of the situation everyone It can be difficult to deliver hard and fast rules to someone, but it certainly doesn't mean you shouldn't. Then again, most of you are parents and have had to do that often I'm sure [emoji23]

 

[Anansi]

I would put a lock on the door then and tell him he's not allowed in your room. You and your bf need your privacy, it's your place, and it's your Xbox--
He can go live with his mom and throw a pity party.

I cosign with this wholeheartedly for the more immediate issue of your bedroom privacy. I can appreciate your hesitation since this guy is a friend, but bedroom privacy is a lone he should not be allowed to cross. And it's an issue you should be able to broach without crossing any Rubicons, so to speak.

Your room is a private place. For him to violate that space is unacceptable. Reclaim your room and let him know that your welcome does not extend past the threshold of your bedroom door. If he doesn't want to take the 10 minutes he'd need to set up his own Xbox, tough. He can work on meditation techniques. Or he can pick up a book.

Sounds like you already have the larger issue of his eventual departure already sorted. But until October 12th... any port in a storm, eh?

 

[Birdman666]

Well the problem is, that when a grown adult is falling, and looking for a safe place to land, AND HE FINDS IT...

The incentive to get back on your feet, and get back out there is diminished. You want to be supportive, without becoming a doormat or an enabler... and it's a very fine line. It's difficult to see and easily crossed.

It's one thing to help out a friend. It's something completely different to have your good nature, and long standing friendship taken advantage of because you haven't yet learned to stand on your own two feet...

 

[Birdman666]

Then again, most of you are parents and have had to do that often I'm sure [emoji23]

YEAH. AND IT'S BECAUSE TEENAGERS ARE SO GOOD AT LISTENING TOO US, WHEN WE DO THAT...

Mine has just tested her wings for the first time. Suddenly getting an entirely new understanding of the phrase "real world concerns" for the first time...

You know who actually listens to me?! MY DANG BIRDS! THAT'S WHO!

 

[Birdman666]

Many years ago, back when I was in College, a friend of mine let a friend of his crash on his couch. (He was down on his luck, and had been drinking. Crash here, we'll figure out something in the morning...)

The guy didn't leave until my friend finally gave up his apartment, and moved out, and the "squatter" had to be evicted by the landlord, STILL SQUATTING IN THE VACANT APARTMENT.

It had a happy ending. He moved in with his girlfriend to get away from the guy on the couch. They're married with four children now... own a house and a business in upstate New York.

The guy on the couch was sleeping in his car last I heard...

Some folks just don't take a hint, and won't lift a finger to help themselves. "Don't be that guy."

 

[RavensGryf]

Wow, this person just can't get a clue! It seems like 'basic common sense' not to invade your bedroom, let alone keep playing XBox when you and Brendon are ready to go to bed, and having the nerve to complain about privacy in YOUR home?

What is his problem? You say he has money and a good job! Guess he's trying to leech and "save" his money for as long as he feels he can. Chantal, you've received some great advice here already. Good luck.

Mark, I had to laugh at that story LOL!!

 

[Aquila]

Then again, most of you are parents and have had to do that often I'm sure [emoji23]

YEAH. AND IT'S BECAUSE TEENAGERS ARE SO GOOD AT LISTENING TOO US, WHEN WE DO THAT...

Mine has just tested her wings for the first time. Suddenly getting an entirely new understanding of the phrase "real world concerns" for the first time...

You know who actually listens to me?! MY DANG BIRDS! THAT'S WHO!

Hah, I've been on my own since 16 (26 now) and I've always been much more of an adult than most. I look at my friends who still live at home and am amazed that they can't manage themselves! Mommy still does laundry, Daddy pays your bills. KIDS THESE DAYS AMIRITE?

I look at my birds and think about my friends and say, thank god I don't have kids!