How do I tell a family friend that what they’re doing is abuse?

[Rico_Tiel]

Heyo, so… I was dreading this but I suspected it’d happen… I predicted it pretty accurately, really.

Huge Tw: animal cruelty, suffering, and death.



So, we have a family friend who has a very, VERY bad history with animals. ESPECIALLY exotics… they have a history of impulsive buying animals and killing them before they live a year in their care.

It started with fish. At first, it was just a few cichlids in a 20 gallon. Not the best setup, but it was better than many. Then, they added more, and more. 2 convicts, 3 blood parrot cichlids, a pleco, and some type of fish I’d never seen before. And then, the convicts bred. Then, there was 50+ fish in that 20 gallon. And they all “mysteriously died”. It was ammonia poisoning. I knew it was. So, they stopped with fish.


Then… they got a crested gecko… they had OBVIOUSLY not done a lick of research, because EVERYTHING about it was so incredibly wrong. They are arboreal and need tall tanks- they kept it in a small cube. It was kept in sand- which is what “made it sick” and killed it. It ate the sand and got impacted. And it only had one, sad, small hide.

Their dog is often locked outside or kept in the basement, and I don’t know what’s up with their cat- I haven’t seen it in a few years…


So, now that leads us to our CURRENT situation…

For some background:

These people are very well off financially. They can very well afford proper care if they were to provide such, they have a big house, huge yard, they keep their bills paid, and their food well stocked. They are in no way struggling financially.

EVERYONE has a phone. Even their 9 year old daughter. The daughter is quite frankly, spoiled. She usually gets what she wants, and isn’t often told no.

They have Wi-Fi AND data, so they have the ENTIRE WORLD at their fingertips- just as you and I probably do. They have all the world’s information at their fingertips, at all times, yet they choose to not to.

When an animal dies, they immediately replace it with a new one and act like nothing happened. They don’t view animals as beings if it’s not a cat or dog, they just view them as a disposable toy for them to play with until they’re bored.


So, there’s some background on these people.


So, the daughter meets Rico and falls in love- who wouldn’t? But that must’ve turned her begging and pleading or whatever she was doing into overdrive, because maybe around the time I got my budgie, she got hers, which I was only RECENTLY informed of.

Well, one budgie dies (shocker), and they replace it as if nothing happened and they asked my mom to ask me about it.

So, here’s where we stand now: they are actively sentencing two baby budgies to death, the mother will keep replacing them as far as I’m aware, and they aren’t doing ANY research, even AFTER I encouraged them to do intense research if they considered a bird last year, and STRONGLY advised against getting any bird as they are hard to care for, back in December.

so, how do I go about this nicely? What do I say? Because I know I can say things in harsh ways, ESPECIALLY when it is concerning animals... I am genuinely very angry with the mother, and I have a feeling I’d probably be really harsh about it- which will get us nowhere in the end, and get her to resent me and most likely my mother.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated…

 

[Greenhouseparrots]

Heyo, so… I was dreading this but I suspected it’d happen… I predicted it pretty accurately, really.

Huge Tw: animal cruelty, suffering, and death.



So, we have a family friend who has a very, VERY bad history with animals. ESPECIALLY exotics… they have a history of impulsive buying animals and killing them before they live a year in their care.

It started with fish. At first, it was just a few cichlids in a 20 gallon. Not the best setup, but it was better than many. Then, they added more, and more. 2 convicts, 3 blood parrot cichlids, a pleco, and some type of fish I’d never seen before. And then, the convicts bred. Then, there was 50+ fish in that 20 gallon. And they all “mysteriously died”. It was ammonia poisoning. I knew it was. So, they stopped with fish.


Then… they got a crested gecko… they had OBVIOUSLY not done a lick of research, because EVERYTHING about it was so incredibly wrong. They are arboreal and need tall tanks- they kept it in a small cube. It was kept in sand- which is what “made it sick” and killed it. It ate the sand and got impacted. And it only had one, sad, small hide.

Their dog is often locked outside or kept in the basement, and I don’t know what’s up with their cat- I haven’t seen it in a few years…


So, now that leads us to our CURRENT situation…

For some background:

These people are very well off financially. They can very well afford proper care if they were to provide such, they have a big house, huge yard, they keep their bills paid, and their food well stocked. They are in no way struggling financially.

EVERYONE has a phone. Even their 9 year old daughter. The daughter is quite frankly, spoiled. She usually gets what she wants, and isn’t often told no.

They have Wi-Fi AND data, so they have the ENTIRE WORLD at their fingertips- just as you and I probably do. They have all the world’s information at their fingertips, at all times, yet they choose to not to.

When an animal dies, they immediately replace it with a new one and act like nothing happened. They don’t view animals as beings if it’s not a cat or dog, they just view them as a disposable toy for them to play with until they’re bored.


So, there’s some background on these people.


So, the daughter meets Rico and falls in love- who wouldn’t? But that must’ve turned her begging and pleading or whatever she was doing into overdrive, because maybe around the time I got my budgie, she got hers, which I was only RECENTLY informed of.

Well, one budgie dies (shocker), and they replace it as if nothing happened and they asked my mom to ask me about it.

So, here’s where we stand now: they are actively sentencing two baby budgies to death, the mother will keep replacing them as far as I’m aware, and they aren’t doing ANY research, even AFTER I encouraged them to do intense research if they considered a bird last year, and STRONGLY advised against getting any bird as they are hard to care for, back in December.

so, how do I go about this nicely? What do I say? Because I know I can say things in harsh ways, ESPECIALLY when it is concerning animals... I am genuinely very angry with the mother, and I have a feeling I’d probably be really harsh about it- which will get us nowhere in the end, and get her to resent me and most likely my mother.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated…

Can you report them? I'm not sure how it works where you are but here in the UK we have the RSPCA and we can report people and they'll check up on animals and take them away if they're in abusive conditions.

I hope the daughter gets bored of the budgies and they rehome them in the meantime, or maybe the daughter might miraculously start looking after them the right way. Could you speak to the daughter? Tell her how you're looking after your birds and offer her some of their old toys or some pellets if they're not on a good diet. I've helped a few people that I know to look after their birds better like this, but I didn't have a go at them, I just tried to help by offering toys or food and showed them how fun my birds are and asked them how theirs are doing. They'll probably never live the perfect life but my aim is always to improve it if I can.

 

[Rico_Tiel]

Can you report them? I'm not sure how it works where you are but here in the UK we have the RSPCA and we can report people and they'll check up on animals and take them away if they're in abusive conditions.

I hope the daughter gets bored of the budgies and they rehome them in the meantime, or maybe the daughter might miraculously start looking after them the right way. Could you speak to the daughter? Tell her how you're looking after your birds and offer her some of their old toys or some pellets if they're not on a good diet. I've helped a few people that I know to look after their birds better like this, but I didn't have a go at them, I just tried to help by offering toys or food and showed them how fun my birds are and asked them how theirs are doing. They'll probably never live the perfect life but my aim is always to improve it if I can.

Unfortunately, our animal control is as useful as a soggy paper towel. Our neighbor for example, lets rabbits freeze to death, allowed his GSD to kill his other dogs, and he cared about as much as animal control did when his GSD and his other giant dog were attacking people. Animal control hardly cared, really, so they wouldn’t care about budgies…

Yeah, I genuinely hope they rehome them or start doing research. For pellets, I don’t have any budgie appropriate pellets as of right now, and I don’t know if they have any toys. I could always make some though!

I want to help, but I also want to inform and not be a turf about it, yk? Because I will admit, I have said some unkind words to people in the past, and I’m not proud of it. And at the end of the day, no one listens when you’re mean. No one listens when you’re condescending. No one will listen if you’re rude. And if they don’t listen, the animal continues to suffer. I just don’t know how to word it nicely.

 

[Greenhouseparrots]

Unfortunately, our animal control is as useful as a soggy paper towel. Our neighbor for example, lets rabbits freeze to death, allowed his GSD to kill his other dogs, and he cared about as much as animal control did when his GSD and his other giant dog were attacking people. Animal control hardly cared, really, so they wouldn’t care about budgies…

Yeah, I genuinely hope they rehome them or start doing research. For pellets, I don’t have any budgie appropriate pellets as of right now, and I don’t know if they have any toys. I could always make some though!

I want to help, but I also want to inform and not be a turf about it, yk? Because I will admit, I have said some unkind words to people in the past, and I’m not proud of it. And at the end of the day, no one listens when you’re mean. No one listens when you’re condescending. No one will listen if you’re rude. And if they don’t listen, the animal continues to suffer. I just don’t know how to word it nicely.

That's a shame. And yeah I feel you on not wanting to be mean about telling them off because it won't get you anywhere, but at the same time what they're doing is wrong so of course you're angry. It's a very difficult situation to be in. Even if you can word things nicely, they may not listen anyway

 

[Rico_Tiel]

That's a shame. And yeah I feel you on not wanting to be mean about telling them off because it won't get you anywhere, but at the same time what they're doing is wrong so of course you're angry. It's a very difficult situation to be in. Even if you can word things nicely, they may not listen anyway

Yeah, and I genuinely want these budgies to have a much better life, not be treated like toys or decorations… and that is very true, they didn’t listen to me before, so there’s a good chance they’ll ignore me again.

 

[SailBoat]

If memory serves you live in Alaska, which has a long history of excellent wild life care and support laws and systems in place. However, when it comes to companion pets, near zero.

That being true, such pets fall under the specific laws regarding Property. So unless you have specific video, obtained legally from public property, it will be your word against theirs, which you will lose. Your history with being less than tactful will not be helpful either.

Point being, there is little you can do other than to step way back and stop providing advice! The child will grow bored and the mother will stop wanting to clean-up after the bird(s) and they will move on to something else!

This may seem heartless, but with the legal system in place locally, that is the reality that you are faced with.

As you continue to grow-up. You will find that becoming far more tactful will benefit you immensely.

 

[Jcas]

This is a tough situation for an animal lover, but when dealing with people who may be mistreating an animal, I think it’s important to make a distinction between someone who is intentionally cruel and abusive as opposed to someone who is simply clueless, thoughtless, or uninformed/ misinformed. Your friend sounds more like the second one. They aren’t actively trying to hurt their animals, they just don’t really think about things from the animal’s’ perspective. I know a number of great people who don’t always take the best care of their pets; not because they’re malicious but more because they don’t consider things from the viewpoint of the animal. It’s easy to think that with the internet there’s no excuse to not know how to care for an animal, but when I approach people like this, I have the mindset that they simply don’t know any better. This helps me keep calm and positive. There are two ways to influence these people. First, if they are admiring your birds, talk about what you do to take care of your birds. If they say Rico’s feathers are pretty, tell them what you feed him. If they laugh at his antics, explain how birds love lots of toys and perches to play on. Keep it focused on your birds not theirs; you’re just giving your friends something to think about. Second, if these people ask for advice, give it to them but keep it simple. They don’t have to care for their birds to the same standard you care for yours; the goal is to to help give the birds a good life even if it’s not the best life. Just focus on the basics: good food, fresh water, clean cage, space to move, physical and mental exercise ( toys, different size perches, etc.). I’ve been in similar situations myself and it can be really hard. The best thing is to stay respectful and just help where you can, whenever the opportunity presents itself. Best of luck with this situation and God bless you for caring.

 

[Rico_Tiel]

If memory serves you live in Alaska, which has a long history of excellent wild life care and support laws and systems in place. However, when it comes to companion pets, near zero.

That being true, such pets fall under the specific laws regarding Property. So unless you have specific video, obtained legally from public property, it will be your word against theirs, which you will lose. Your history with being less than tactful will not be helpful either.

Point being, there is little you can do other than to step way back and stop providing advice! The child will grow bored and the mother will stop wanting to clean-up after the bird(s) and they will move on to something else!

This may seem heartless, but with the legal system in place locally, that is the reality that you are faced with.

As you continue to grow-up. You will find that becoming far more tactful will benefit you immensely.

This is the sad reality, unfortunately. All I can do is offer DIY toys and give any tips I suppose… sigh, I really don’t like those people, I don’t like the situation, and I don’t like the law.

 

[Rico_Tiel]

This is a tough situation for an animal lover, but when dealing with people who may be mistreating an animal, I think it’s important to make a distinction between someone who is intentionally cruel and abusive as opposed to someone who is simply clueless, thoughtless, or uninformed/ misinformed. Your friend sounds more like the second one. They aren’t actively trying to hurt their animals, they just don’t really think about things from the animal’s’ perspective. I know a number of great people who don’t always take the best care of their pets; not because they’re malicious but more because they don’t consider things from the viewpoint of the animal. It’s easy to think that with the internet there’s no excuse to not know how to care for an animal, but when I approach people like this, I have the mindset that they simply don’t know any better. This helps me keep calm and positive. There are two ways to influence these people. First, if they are admiring your birds, talk about what you do to take care of your birds. If they say Rico’s feathers are pretty, tell them what you feed him. If they laugh at his antics, explain how birds love lots of toys and perches to play on. Keep it focused on your birds not theirs; you’re just giving your friends something to think about. Second, if these people ask for advice, give it to them but keep it simple. They don’t have to care for their birds to the same standard you care for yours; the goal is to to help give the birds a good life even if it’s not the best life. Just focus on the basics: good food, fresh water, clean cage, space to move, physical and mental exercise ( toys, different size perches, etc.). I’ve been in similar situations myself and it can be really hard. The best thing is to stay respectful and just help where you can, whenever the opportunity presents itself. Best of luck with this situation and God bless you for caring.

This is a whole new perspective I hadn’t even seen or thought of! Holy cow!

I will certainly try and do these things. As much as I don’t like them, they still deserve respect and decency, so this is a good way to look at things.

I honestly want to make a little care package for their birds and offer it to them. Perches, treats, DIY toys, Cuttlebone, and a few other things, and give it to them. Is that rude? I’m sorry, I’m not great with etiquette, really.

Kindness and guidance is a good thing to try.

 

[ravvlet]

I think a care package is perfect. If the parrot owner is a minor who is getting these pets with the support of their parents, it’s kind of difficult - the parents have the purchasing power and decision making ability for the pet, but the minor is expected to shoulder the responsibility and consequences. Not a good combo IMO. My kids help with the pets, but I don’t expect them to be responsible for them. They have pet chores, but if they don’t take care of them I will do it, because it needs to be done and it’s not the pets fault if they forget, so they shouldn’t have to suffer.

It may simply be that your friend can’t get the right supplies for their pets because their family won’t bother with the expense (especially if they feel it’s frivolous) and so it’s easier for them to try and pretend nothing is wrong so that they aren’t eaten up by guilt.

As an aside, I am working on ideas for a combo book duo, one for younger people and one for their parents, about basic parrot care. I think if the information were more accessible (after all, not everyone is as chronically online as I am, haha) and less “niche”, or if it were laid out in a manner (like for example a picture book) that was easy to understand, there would be less heartbreaking situations like this one. I have a really adorable comic/picture book about caring for conturnix quail that I’ve found to be both easy to understand and indispensable when I was involved in that hobby.

 

[Rico_Tiel]

I think a care package is perfect. If the parrot owner is a minor who is getting these pets with the support of their parents, it’s kind of difficult - the parents have the purchasing power and decision making ability for the pet, but the minor is expected to shoulder the responsibility and consequences. Not a good combo IMO. My kids help with the pets, but I don’t expect them to be responsible for them. They have pet chores, but if they don’t take care of them I will do it, because it needs to be done and it’s not the pets fault if they forget, so they shouldn’t have to suffer.

It may simply be that your friend can’t get the right supplies for their pets because their family won’t bother with the expense (especially if they feel it’s frivolous) and so it’s easier for them to try and pretend nothing is wrong so that they aren’t eaten up by guilt.

As an aside, I am working on ideas for a combo book duo, one for younger people and one for their parents, about basic parrot care. I think if the information were more accessible (after all, not everyone is as chronically online as I am, haha) and less “niche”, or if it were laid out in a manner (like for example a picture book) that was easy to understand, there would be less heartbreaking situations like this one. I have a really adorable comic/picture book about caring for conturnix quail that I’ve found to be both easy to understand and indispensable when I was involved in that hobby.

I’ll ask my mom to see if the mother will send a picture of their setup so I can have an idea of what to gift them and propose the idea to my mom and her friend. Aside from janky paper-based toys and a few store bought toys, do you have any ideas of toys that I could craft? Cuttlebone and millet is rather inexpensive at petzoo (I love that business sm), and perches are just a bullet I’ll have to bite and roll with, on the price.

That too, could be a factor. I know my parents are reluctant sometimes with some things, such as the more expensive bird toys. But I’m the one who buys it with my allowance, so they let it slide.

That’s awesome!! I’d probably buy it!

 

[ravvlet]

I’ll ask my mom to see if the mother will send a picture of their setup so I can have an idea of what to gift them and propose the idea to my mom and her friend. Aside from janky paper-based toys and a few store bought toys, do you have any ideas of toys that I could craft? Cuttlebone and millet is rather inexpensive at petzoo (I love that business sm), and perches are just a bullet I’ll have to bite and roll with, on the price.

That too, could be a factor. I know my parents are reluctant sometimes with some things, such as the more expensive bird toys. But I’m the one who buys it with my allowance, so they let it slide.

That’s awesome!! I’d probably buy it!

Do you do any origami? Not a joke! Broccoli seems to really like paper (especially shredded paper), and I buy blank newsprint in bulk online for their cage paper lining, but I imagine regular newspaper is ok too as most newspapers use soy based inks. You can look up tutorials and make a masu box, and fill it with little origami crafts. The parrot will have fun taking them out and tearing them up or unfolding them.

Another fun and easy idea is an origami bouquet. Just use paper straws and make origami flowers to shove into the tips, and then wrap it with another piece of paper tightly to hold them together.

Really, you can do so much with origami, as long as the bird in question enjoys shredding paper... It looks nice, and it costs nothing except your time. If you happen to already make toys & have hooks/parrot safe cord, you can even hang them instead of putting them in a box.

As a bonus, you can usually shove bits of treat into the folds. You could, for example, make an origami crane mobile using parrot safe rope, and hide bits of treat into the cranes, so the little guy or gal can forage.

 

[Jcas]

I think a care package is a great idea! You could even call it a belated welcome package since they got their birds recently . You could maybe diy some natural wood perches from tree branches? It speaks very highly of your compassion for animals that you are willing to spend your own money to help out an animal that isn’t even yours.