Grief and therapy

[marina&zizel]

hello people, I've been here for so little, my sweet boy left unfortunately.
Only at 8 years old. I don't know why or how, I'm afraid it could be my fault.

Has anyone been to therapy for something like that? I've gone a couple times but I feel like it's not helping me at all, despite her knowing it's my fault.

 

[wrench13]

You have my condolences. You must not beat yourself up over this loss. We slso had a much loved parrot, a BeeBee parrot, Max, who just ........ went one afternoon. No warning, no signs, just - gone. It happens with birds. Try to remember all the good fun times you had with him, the pain and hurt does fade after awhile.

 

[LaManuka]

hello people, I've been here for so little, my sweet boy left unfortunately.
Only at 8 years old. I don't know why or how, I'm afraid it could be my fault.

Has anyone been to therapy for something like that? I've gone a couple times but I feel like it's not helping me at all, despite her knowing it's my fault.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little one, @marina&zizel. As @wrench13 said, you must try not to be so hard on yourself - easier said than done I know. I have suffered grief and guilt over the passing of birds that I thought I would never recover from, and still cry over them if I think about it too much and I lost the last one, my Lilly Pilly, over two years ago now! It does get easier but it does take time, and being among a community like this one full of people who understand how much it hurts is helpful too. I believe your boy would have only known one thing, and that was how much you loved him, and he will carry that love with her for all eternity. My deepest condolences go out to you, as do my prayers for peace and comfort for your broken heart.

 

[hiriki]

First, I'm so so sorry for your loss. It's so easy to blame ourselves in hindsight, I think many of us have suffered losses that felt preventable, especially with such fragile prey animals as birds, and it's so easy to point the blame at ourselves because it feels like someone must be at fault... be kind to yourself, if your best friend lost someone close to them you'd never point at them and accuse them of causing the awful traumatic thing they're going through. Treat yourself like your best friend and be gentle. There's time to learn from our mistakes after we tend to our wounds.

That said, I do think grief counseling can be very, very helpful, and generally encourage people to try it, but as a therapy veteran I also know it is very important to find a therapist who clicks with you. The wrong therapist sometimes not only feels unhelpful, they can sometimes make things worse. I went to my school therapist in college after the death of my beloved rat Hamlet and felt WORSE after the session--she spent the full hour trying to focus on previously diagnosed mental illness, downplaying the effect of my pets death on my well being and at one point even making a comment about how "gross" rats are... I do think that experience wouldn't have gone exactly the same if my loss had been with an animal that doesn't have the same kind of hygiene stigma that rats have, such as a bird, but regardless I have a strong feeling that this particular therapist had no way of empathizing with pet loss. It's probably not fair of me to say this but she should find a different job lol.

The first session with any therapist should not be about getting down to brass tax and doing therapy. It's an interview. They'll ask you questions to get to know your circumstances, you can ask them questions to get to know their values, and if you get ANY weird vibes there's no shame in saying sorry, this won't work, and finding a different therapist. There's a ton of resources online, such as https://www.psychologytoday.com/ that index therapists and allow them to select specialties so that you can filter your results. There's also no reason not to do a bit of discovery in the initial email--for instance, saying, "Hello, I'm looking for a grief counselor who is specifically comfortable supporting me through pet loss where I feel responsible, are you taking new clients and comfortable with this and if not do you have any referrals?"

Best of luck to you

 

[GaleriaGila]

All my sympathies... great input above.
Therapy? Why not?
And good for you for sharing with US. We get it.
We have an expression in Spanish... "Una carga compartida es una carga aligerada"... a burden shared is a burden lightened.
I believe your bird passed while loved, and that is a thing that lasts into Eternity.

 

[marina&zizel]

You have my condolences. You must not beat yourself up over this loss. We slso had a much loved parrot, a BeeBee parrot, Max, who just ........ went one afternoon. No warning, no signs, just - gone. It happens with birds. Try to remember all the good fun times you had with him, the pain and hurt does fade after awhile.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little one, @marina&zizel. As @wrench13 said, you must try not to be so hard on yourself - easier said than done I know. I have suffered grief and guilt over the passing of birds that I thought I would never recover from, and still cry over them if I think about it too much and I lost the last one, my Lilly Pilly, over two years ago now! It does get easier but it does take time, and being among a community like this one full of people who understand how much it hurts is helpful too. I believe your boy would have only known one thing, and that was how much you loved him, and he will carry that love with her for all eternity. My deepest condolences go out to you, as do my prayers for peace and comfort for your broken heart.

First, I'm so so sorry for your loss. It's so easy to blame ourselves in hindsight, I think many of us have suffered losses that felt preventable, especially with such fragile prey animals as birds, and it's so easy to point the blame at ourselves because it feels like someone must be at fault... be kind to yourself, if your best friend lost someone close to them you'd never point at them and accuse them of causing the awful traumatic thing they're going through. Treat yourself like your best friend and be gentle. There's time to learn from our mistakes after we tend to our wounds.

That said, I do think grief counseling can be very, very helpful, and generally encourage people to try it, but as a therapy veteran I also know it is very important to find a therapist who clicks with you. The wrong therapist sometimes not only feels unhelpful, they can sometimes make things worse. I went to my school therapist in college after the death of my beloved rat Hamlet and felt WORSE after the session--she spent the full hour trying to focus on previously diagnosed mental illness, downplaying the effect of my pets death on my well being and at one point even making a comment about how "gross" rats are... I do think that experience wouldn't have gone exactly the same if my loss had been with an animal that doesn't have the same kind of hygiene stigma that rats have, such as a bird, but regardless I have a strong feeling that this particular therapist had no way of empathizing with pet loss. It's probably not fair of me to say this but she should find a different job lol.

The first session with any therapist should not be about getting down to brass tax and doing therapy. It's an interview. They'll ask you questions to get to know your circumstances, you can ask them questions to get to know their values, and if you get ANY weird vibes there's no shame in saying sorry, this won't work, and finding a different therapist. There's a ton of resources online, such as https://www.psychologytoday.com/ that index therapists and allow them to select specialties so that you can filter your results. There's also no reason not to do a bit of discovery in the initial email--for instance, saying, "Hello, I'm looking for a grief counselor who is specifically comfortable supporting me through pet loss where I feel responsible, are you taking new clients and comfortable with this and if not do you have any referrals?"

Best of luck to you

All my sympathies... great input above.
Therapy? Why not?
And good for you for sharing with US. We get it.
We have an expression in Spanish... "Una carga compartida es una carga aligerada"... a burden shared is a burden lightened.
I believe your bird passed while loved, and that is a thing that lasts into Eternity.

Thank you so much everyone for your replies, I'm sorry for being two months late, unfortunately I lost my mom and grandma a while after too. My mom was exactly one month after him, so now I feel like every 25th is just unbearable.
Thankfully I'm not alone, I have my wonderful adorable dog, doing the best I can since she's also experiencing grief. I think I've found a psychiatrist that could help me but money and time is limited. Anyway, enough of this.
Please all give more cuddles to your babies. As much as possible.