Gotcha anniversary Confessional - erosion of the bond

[chris-md]

Hey everyone!

Been posting on and off lately but haven't really posted as actively in a while since...well, haven't really had much to say. Been extremely busy the last few months with family visits, repairs on the new home, travel. You know, life.

But this isn't about that. I wanna talk Parker cause I'm in a rut with him and not sure how to break out. It's apt since today is his second gotcha anniversaryThe overarching issue is that our bond has eroded, and the trust just isn't quite there anymore. Here are the contributing factors:

1) dreaded loyalties change: I'm no longer the favorite. Eddie, my partner, is. Parker makes this abundantly clear daily

2) loss of shoulder privileges: this absolutely kills me, but I just can't trust Parker on my shoulder. I've been bitten probably seven times on my face in the last 2 years. I'm really having trouble coping with this fact.

3) biting overall: has become slightly more frequent and steady. I do not dare try to pick him up when he's hanging on the side of a cage, for example. Been hit a few times like that. He's lunged at my feet a few times lately, something he's never done before.

4) entertainment. he has a number of toys and doesn't touch any of them. Won't even shred anymore, which used to be his favorite thing. I have NOT CLUE how to entertain him at this point.

5) not a big issue per se, just complaining: Parker is wandering off his cage more than ever lately. Almost stepped on Him yesterday, he was wondering and we didn't see him. He never used to do that.

Because of the biting all I really dare do is let him sit on my arm and kiss his beak. Other than that, I stare at him often think "what do I DO with you?"

I'm not exactly writing this seeking advice per se, more just putting out there what others may be going through. It's not Heaven right now and I'm trying to work through how we can move forward. I'm not giving him up, he's here for life, but I need to try to see a clearer, more mutually gratifiying path forward.

 

[GaleriaGila]

I am so sorry...
The Rb is such a disappointment to me, in so many ways. AND SUCH A JOY. Such a little monster. And every few years he completely "breaks up" with me for a few months, stops talking to me literally (won't say any human words, won't step up, bites aggrerssively, doesn't call me). I have no idea why. Gradually he accepts me back into his life.
I'm just saying that I know what it's like to be doing your best, and still getting your heart bruised, if not broken.
Maybe the joy has to be in doing your best, and knowing your darling HAS your best?
*sigh*
Hang in there, friend.

 

[chris-md]

Thanks Gail. Let me admit that as I was writing this I did think of you and your vocal frustrations with Rickstar and his behavior. I know you adapted, and I think that's what I'm trying to do. Adapt to his way of doing things, which admittedly has changed for the. Not-so-better.

 

[SailBoat]

No fun being the odd one out! Even worst when the relationship has shifted from you to another! I haven't a clue why it happens, but I have experienced it and there is no joy!

What to do! So many possible drivers, which one will work or just make things worst. Not sure on that one either! So, I do know that when things run-off-the-road that its best to start all over again, like day one. It will not fix everything, but it will restore some parts of the relationship.

It is not uncommon for us to have to start over because of aggressive medical support cuts into and takes what bond was in place and pulls it apart! Our first go to is to assure that the Amazon is truly getting 10 - 12+ hours of restful, dark and silent sleep. It is one thing that can quickly be done and results are commonly seen within a couple of weeks. It also defines a new Starting Point for your Parrot.

Remember its all about starting over, a full commitment on your side and everyone else in the household!

Honesty: You may never get the full love of being number one, but by follow starting from the basics you will get some of the relationship back.

Things to remember:
It is NEVER the fault of the Parrot! It is ALWAYS the fault of the Human. That vantage point lets you see what you are doing wrong and correct it earlier.
Only good things happen when Humans are around!
You, the odd one out, gets to provide the treats.
Remember that if at all possible, you should be the one that is the transportation source,

There is much more, but you get the point!

All most forgot! This all starts with a visit to your CAV (certified Avian Vet) for a full examination!

 

[plumsmum2005]

Ah Chris so very sorry to hear this. I would aim to be the same as you have been. Maybe the fact you have been busy and your partner has been around more is something to do with it? These feathered kids certainly like to put us through it at times. Here's hoping it is just a phase with Parker and nothing permanent, watch those beak kisses eh?

Still have your Pak O Bird? Go have some fun together eh?

Plum has his off days too and feel like persona non grata. Agree whole heartedly with Steven re the starting from the basics again. Some birds never make good shoulder birds btw. You never know Parker may see things that you don't love him anymore, things changed with you and not him? Perhaps shredding has had its day? What else is there out there that he will like? Not always expensive sometimes just a cardboard tube, some wicker balls, a box of wooden bits n pieces to toss about? He may like you playing with him on the floor (in time)? I read some positives in your text, he sounds more inquisitive and not just sitting all the time, just need to catch up with the changes.

 

[AmyMyBlueFront]

Chris? Does Parker like going outside? Take him for a walk in his P.O.B. or a ride in the car (if he likes car rides) Maybe he is just bored??

I know with Amy,when she starts acting up ( biting..chasing my feet,or just being a b**** ) a nice ride in the car and viviting her buddies the green armed bee bee's and going to Dunkin Donuts for a munchkin,does her real good ....seems like she forgets all of her worldly problems and is herself once more.
How old is Parker? Could it be "that time" for him? Is Eddie spending more time with him than you are??
All this can be sorted out my friend! Don't give up or give in!




Jim

 

[wrench13]

Hang in there Chris. Parker knows you love him, I bet he is just going thru his 2's. Salty has been moody lately too, not wanting to rough play much, and being a jerk when I ask him to step up sometimes, but I put that down to the hot weather ( no A/C in our big room -kitchen, living room, dining room), possibly getting to his puberty time, and yes, boredom.

 

[Anansi]

Hi, Chris! Happy Gotcha Anniversary!

Sorry about the rut you've found yourself in with Parker. I wonder, however, if the shift in dynamic between you and Parker might have anything to do with the dog-sitting described in this thread: http://www.parrotforums.com/eclectus/68676-i-think-parkers-little-scared.html

Could just be that his nervousness finds release as grumpiness, no? I know this wouldn't explain everything, as an inexplicable shift in favorites must be pretty difficult as well, but it might make it even more difficult to work out the kinks in your relationship if he's already feeling a bit flustered. Because when the fecal matter hits the fan, birds tend to only want the company and reassurance of their favored person. I know Maya is that way. If she gets unsettled or nervous, she'll be a feathered Ginsu to anyone who isn't me until she calms down.

I might be off on how much it's affecting Parker, but figured it might be an idea worth exploring.

That said, there is some great advice above! I like Steven's idea about getting back to basics. Sometimes situations just need a reset. And K's suggestion about looking to see if there is anything that has changed about you. Birds are just so darned weird about certain things. You just can't always predict what will set them off. (Look at my current avatar, for example. That pic was taken mere seconds after I had put on that Black Panther mask. Seconds!!! Yet they acted all ho-hum, like it was the most normal thing in the world. Yet last year, all my niece did was put on some violet nail polish and Jolly flew away at the merest sight of her, with or without said polish, for the next 7 months! They are weird. Lol!)

Also, Jim's idea about shifting things up is a good one. If you take him to an entirely different environ, by yourself, it may allow for some bonding. In that scenario, you become his touchstone. His sense of the familiar. And he will more likely look to you for comfort. Doing this often enough will instill in him the idea that you are a refuge, a source of comfort when everything else shifts.

End of the day it's about trying a bunch of different things, one at a time, until you find what works. Throwing things at the wall until you find something that sticks. You're a really good parront to Parker, so I don't doubt that you will find a way to work through it with him.

 

[plumsmum2005]

Really good points by Stephen and definitely worth looking at the time lines re the dog sitting as could be the start of Parker being unsettled, combine that with a busy life and it worsens. See if your partner will be a bit more hands off with Parker for a bit, but ensuring Parker is OK with it, no point rubbing salt etc.

You are his second home right? No idea what he has been through, worth some thought though. Maybe he thinks he is being sidelined by the dog sitting?

Plum can be a bit off with me when I have had my friends RB2 to stay and he is all for hubby for several days, just have to take it with good grace until it switches back.

Echoing Stephen's comment "You're a really good parront to Parker, so I don't doubt that you will find a way to work through it with him."

 

[Kentuckienne]

All I can offer is sympathy. I've been in that position for years. All I can say is, you can do your best to bribe their affection, and if you know what he loves best that's the best hope. But the other, more-favored person, has to help. If the favored person doesn't help out with encouraging the parrot to be good with you - or worse, if they persist in doing things that reinforce the parrot's preference and bad behaviors - well, things don't get much better. Don't ask me how I know.

 

[Terry57]

Chris, I am so sorry that you and Parker are going through this. I just wanted to echo what Stephen said about you being a great parront. I know how hard this is, as Ekko, our Ekkie, wants nothing at all to do with me. When my hubby walks into the room, he lights up and talks his head off, when it is only me he literally moans like he is in agony to be in my presence.
Ekko also stopped playing with any toys for the longest time, nothing interested him. I kept making toys and trying them out, and finally a few weeks ago his interest returned with a vengeance. I hope this happens for Parker as well.

Sending you good thoughts that this soon passes and your relationship goes back to where it used to be. If anyone can do that, I have no doubt that it is you.

 

[chris-md]

Thank you all for the kind words. We're doing what we can right now, but the realization that he has become hormonal this week has definitely put a kink in any reparation efforts. I will say this is the first time I've been consistently afraid of him of a sustained period of time (week or two). So I need these hormones gone so we can get to work, otherwise I'm afraid this fear could start sending us down a rabbit hole I don't know how we'll get out of.

He will be getting a wellness check, he's due for his annual visit anyways. Two of his nails are gnarly semicircles and need to be trimmed, and possibly even his beak.

 

[plumsmum2005]

Good to hear from you and to hear you are going the AV route, good idea.

Hormones or not Chris it isn't a good idea for Parker to ultimately become alpha. (I know I am not at the end of his beak, you are!) Use your partner and work as a team on this, if he can handle him, get Parker out and you do the flight drills/targeting you were brilliant at? Even if not perfection it is interaction, laugh at him/with him. You have mentioned that you moved house, did this affect Parker, is he comfy in his current spot? Parrots love to eat with us so as a change could he have a bowl of food on a protected table with you as a special treat? They really enjoy eating as a flock and may help with building that relationship back up? Realise with mine and everyone else's suggestions it could end up a scatter gun so plan your course and work through, I have faith in you!


"[FONT=Times New Roman, Times, serif]Eclectus can be sensitive birds who will act out if they are threatened or if their social needs are not met properly. They can also develop phobic behavior if they are traumatized in some way. Excessive fear can result in aggressive behavior because they may not be comfortable being handled until they can get past their "prey mode" behavior. Having patience and approaching them indirectly in a somewhat submissive manner will make a big difference in re-winning their trust."

https://companionparrotonline.com/PSP_Eclectus.html

[/FONT]I guess you have read everything there is but link FYI and the behaviourist may be a thought? You could try reaching out to Sally Blanchard? Cheer up now, be positive.

http://www.tenastetler.com/eclectus-articles/baby-eclectus-growing-now/

Couple of points worth reading re diet and excess energy https://frombeakstobarks.me/2013/04/28/reducing-hormonal-behaviors-in-parrots/

 

[katie_fleming]

Do you still do frequent training? Might help since he'll have to be focused on the task at hand and not so interested in misbehaving??

Sorry to hear you're going through this I hope he grows out of it soon

 

[coopedup]

Wish I could offer more support than just empathy for your situation. We're here for you, even if it's just to vent.

 

[Scott]

Chris, my relationship with the late Sasquatch was similar. Our family acquired him as a chick and he initially loved everybody. As time passed he grew more attached to females and would barely tolerate my handling. His biting was unpredictable but not malicious, and he lost shoulder privileges. From her our situation diverges as there were plenty of other birds and the Goffins became my refuge. I still loved Sasquatch from a distance, but sometimes we have to respect their choices.

Sasquatch developed a tumor on his chest that was surgically removed. Sadly, (long story short) the vet used a laser scalpel that destroyed other tissue that led to a period of decline. We re-established a close relationship during end-stage hand-feeding. I state this because parrots are immensely complex and we can't fully comprehend their social structures.

When you first adoped Parker, was Eddie in the picture? Was it always assumed he would have an equally close relationship? Rather, if he was always presumed to be "your bird" is it possible for Eddie to withdraw some or all of his attention to Parker? Parker's worst habits are likely derivative from mating behaviors. Perhaps the best opportunity is to extensively work with him when non-hormonal. I have no doubt he remembers the closeness you both enjoyed.

 

[chris-md]

Hi guys I'm back. Parker had his vet appointment today, all great just waiting for blood work.

Scott, you've echoed my situation exactly. Except I don't have other birds to take solace in in honesty, I almost don't want to reverse it. Eddie and I have been together for 10 years, so he was definitely here when Parker arrived 2 years ago.

The assumption was I was responsible for his care and Eddie/Parker relationship would evolve in its one - Eddiee was hesitant having never owned a bird. Don't expect Eddie onhelp with anything (that changed wyickly as he got more comfortable - he began getting involved in his care within a month). . Now Parker is his buddy, Eddie won't say "I love you" by it's a strong sentiment. That Parker has bonded with him makes his life here easier since the reluctant one is now the focus of adoration and reverence.

I handle the beak and difficult times.

Katie - Parker has not really shown much interest in training the last few months. Particularly around the time h chewed off his flight feathers. I've started up a little more lately. He's showing a disturbing amount of energy lately. I actually brought it up with the vet today. He's not lethargic, just generally relaxed. But the last month or two he's more busy than a macaw and won't stay put - it's not like him and rather disturbing (if you knew him). But in the grand scheme of things energy is always a good sign of health.

 

[Kentuckienne]

When we first got Gus, he preferred me. He wanted to be picked up, scratched, sit with me, and he avoided Jeff. This was heartwarming for me - I never got to touch his first parrot at all - but I knew it couldn't be. I travel, I'm gone a lot, I can't be the one. So I backed off, didn't pet Gus or give him treats or scratch him until he warmed up to Jeff. Then for a while I would be able to hold him now and then and give head scratches, but even that's hard now. It's sad for me...I loved scritching his head and having him in my knee...but he has to be Jeff's bird. Maybe some day we can all be friends.

Would that be doable with Parker? It would be a sacrifice on the part of your partner, but it would likely work.