Does this agony get any better?

[Chrissiejingles]

Hello. It's now 9 weeks since my beloved Mr Jingles left this earth. (See previous thread and his horrible passing) Nothing has changed.. it's agony everyday...a mixture of missing him so so much and still thinking of his pain and fright that day. I have seen a therapist and she is doing EMDR treatment with me to try to get the horrible images out of my mind,of how I imagined his death to be. Mornings are the worst, when I wake up. I work in a school, and I have to keep finding somewhere to sob as I can't keep it together for very long. I miss my little man so much. It's unbearable. I love him so much. My heart is broken and it will never mend. I Google all the time just trying to get information that his death would have been quick. The fact that I will never really know haunts me, on top of missing him and thinking of him every second of the day. Sorry to go on but I just needed to speak to people who truly understand. Thank you.

 

[GaleriaGila]

Hey, no need to apologize. I am sure we'll all be willing to listen and care and encourage you forever. You loved that little man. There's a saying I like to pass on: "May the pain of losing him someday soon be replaced by the joy of having had him in your life."

 

[Tami2]

I believe it will.
However, because it was a tragic death, it will take much longer than it would have, had he died from an illness or old age. In this scenario at least there is time to prepare. You are grieving the entire time the loved one is first diagnosed or is showing signs of failing.

Sudden death is worse on the survivors, but sudden tragic death is in another league entirely.
Once you can get beyond your guilt, (blaming human error) then you can start the process. I think you're most likely stuck in that quilt phase. And I get it, I do.

 

[T00tsyd]

I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling. The word that jumped out to me when reading your post was 'imagining' and that is my point. Your imagination is getting the better of you and in truth the animal kingdom is much more pragmatic about death than us. They have a knack of accepting the end of life. They tend not to fight it. The not knowing is hard and you are still in shock so take each hour as it comes and slowly but surely the happy memories will return. I promise that one day you will suddenly realise that the terrible hurt has diminished and you will know that you are healing. The last thing he would want is that you suffer. He would want you to share your love and skills with another bird that would benefit from the kind of tremendous relationship you both enjoyed. Take care there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You must however be prepared to see it.

 

[bug_n_flock]

I'm so sorry for your loss. When Pistol was killed by pet rats I felt so horrid I cannot even express it, and then when I lost Fatty to a cat only a few months later it was devastating. I ran from the parrot forums and just about everything else. I had SO much guilt. With Pistol I left the room with her out in the same room as caged rats. I even thought, I should put her back for safety. But I didn't, and I carried a lot of guilt for that. Fatty was in his cage which I thought was secure. But apparently my cat figured out how to open the cage door while I was out of town. When I discovered I could have locked the latch with a d link, padlock, or even a wire I just felt worse. All it would have taken to protect him was a scrap of wire, or probably even a length of twine.



I know that guilt. I know it well. I know the wondering and the imagining. I know that horrible agony. I am here for you if I can help in any way. What helped me was time and helping other birds. If you are not able to bring home another bird yet, maybe you could help out a rescue?

 

[Chrissiejingles]

Thank you so much,as always, for your kind replies. I always get some 'ease' from my constant, torturous thoughts after I have been on this forum and I don't know what I would do without it. I have read every thread on here. At first looking for similar losses and then also, from every post, just seeing that others feel the same as I do about these beautiful, loving, funny, loyal birds. I know that Jingles had a happy life...he was a very happy and contented parrot but it is his death that I cannot bear. Also regrets..should have given him more fruit, playtime etc. However I do try to remember that he was happy and healthy and that we were always chatting and laughing. He did spend all his time out of his cage when I was here evenings and weekends....we loved each other very much. I guess I'll have to rely on 'time' to get some relief from this nightmare. However, as you all know , they do take a massive part of our hearts with them which will always hurt. I feel so privileged that he was part of my life and I know the special bond and love we had will stay with me forever. Thank you all so much for your support. X

 

[T00tsyd]

You are beginning to heal already. Hang in there.

 

[noodles123]

I would be a mess. If I lost Noodles, it would be like losing a child at this point. I know that non-bird people in general probably don't get it, but this forum generally does. I wish we could help more, but your response seems normal--- I think that it will take a long time before the pain stops being so strong, but I think you are smart to talk about it (because it is very real). Sorry you are struggling.

 

[LaManuka]

It is now 516 days since I lost my baby Baci. Does the agony get any easier? Well yes and no. It's a little easier in that I don't spend every waking moment actively crying buckets over him and the way I lost him, but there is a constant knot in my stomach and an ache in my heart which I don't think will ever go away. My doctor offered me a referral to see a therapist and/or medication to lessen the worst effects. I went down the medication route rather than get on the therapist merry-go-round and potentially go through i don't know how many of them before I found one who "got" me. It also allows me to sleep through the night rather than stay up having panic attacks and continually going through all the "what ifs" over and over and over like a hamster in a wheel.

We have virtually all lost a special one in tragic or preventable circumstances and for me I don't really ever want to "get over" my baby Baci because i feel to do so would be a disservice to his memory. With time the feeling will be less of a dagger in your heart and the black clouds of grief and guilt do lift a bit. I think of you often and I hope you keep reaching out for all the help you need, the people on this forum will always hear you.

 

[Jottlebot]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

It will get better. Too small to notice at first and then gradually you will notice it in time. The pain won't be the biggest part of your life for ever.

Sounds like EMDR is an excellent idea from what you have said. Time WILL heal, but sometimes we need more than time alone x

 

[fuad]

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[Scott]

Grieving is an uneven path with no timeframe for crossing milestones of relief. You will never forget Mr. Jingles, hopefully his memories will evoke more joy than sadness.