Cancer

[lotus]

I'm sorry if this is not the place to post this, I need someone to talk to who will understand how heartbroken and devastated I am.
My 24 yr old M2 was diagnosed with cancer today. My baby is a severe self mutilator, has been since I adoted her 22 yrs ago, from a so called breeder. I was "bird stupid" at the time, and even though she was wearing a collar at the time, I actually believed the "breeder" when she told me the sores under her wing were from her other birds picking at her because she was different from them (she bred U2s) When I took her to my avian vet she told me what a crock that was as my Lotus would literally have to stand there with her wings in the air for the other birds to pick at her like that, how stupid I was!!
Since, my Lotus has had every test imagineable and we have tried everything, from animal behaviourists to tranquilizers with little sucess. I have cried myself to sleep so many times I am surprised I have any tears left, but their flowing now as you can see by all my spelling mistakes.
Sometimes Lotus would go for long stretches without biting herself severely, then would just mutilate herself so badly it was life threatening. I remember 1 time it was so bad she almost bled to death, and she had to have surgery on top of that to save her.
We live in a very remote area of western NY so the nearest avian vet is 2 hrs away, I lived in fear of her bleeding to death in case of an emergency, (the local vet is totally useless when it comes to birds) but never imagined this!!! My vet told me ( and she's wonderful, I would trust her with my OWN life) that sometimes when an area of the body is injured repeatedly other problems can arise, I never heard of a tumor but is it possible? Anyway, she bit herself so severely about 6 wks ago, we took her to the vet, as usual gram stain normal, was given antibiotics (orbax) and some vitamin to stimulate feather regrowth and also Tramadol for pain, she developed a growth on and under her wing that I initially mistook for swelling and dried blood, but a few weeks later it was obvious it was something more severe, so back to the vet, she suspected a tumor, and took xrays to see if it had gotton into the bone, (it hadn't) and scheduled surgery for the next day to remove the mass and have it biopsied. We discussed wing amputation if it was a malignant tumor that was localised, Actually it sounds horiffic but I prayed for that, I know birds can adjust well to losing a limb, but if it spread... she didn't want to do the wing amputation when she did the initial surgery as she felt it was unfair to put the bird through that when it may have spread already... so that is where we're at today. She gave me several options to think about- I can take the bird to Cornell for an MRI to see if it spread, and then there is chemo and radiation, or do the wing amputation and hope for the best, or do nothing and let her live out her remaining days in relative peace. No matter what, there are no guarantees and this baby has been through so much, is it fair to put her through so much pain when she may die anyway? The tumor is in a very bad area, right where her wing attaches to her body, the vet feels the liklihood of it having already spread is high...she is going back to the vet next Tuesday, I don't know what to do...She is eating and acting well right now.
I can't write anymore.

Barbara

 

[Terry57]

Barbara, I am so incredibly sorry for what you and your girl are going through.
Before making any decisions, I would wait until Tuesday when you find out something for sure. It sounds like you may have some hard choices ahead of you, and only you will know what is best to do for her when the time comes. Your love for her is so apparent, and she is lucky to have you.
You both will be in my prayers. Please let us know what happens, and please feel free to pour out your heart here...we are here for you and understand.

 

[Dinodude]

this is so sad
The bird is lucky to have you and I will be sure to include your bird and you in my prayers.
As terry said, 'pour out your heart' because I know it must be extremely painful.

 

[thekarens]

You have been an amazing mother to this bird. You may have been "bird stupid" when you got her, but that was a blessing in disguise for Lotus. I can just imagine the life she would have had if you hadn't found her.

I have no answers for you because I don't think there is any one right answer in this situation.

I wish you and Lotus the best whatever decide. I know your heart is breaking.

 

[RavensGryf]

I'm so sorry to hear this heartbreaking news. I know it's terribly painful to go through this with not only a beloved pet, but one you've shared many years with. They practically become human to us after we've had the same special bird for decades.
Whatever you decide, I know it will be the best for your baby. You can ALWAYS pour your heart out to us. We're here, and many of us long term owners not only understand the joy our birds bring us, but a lot of us have also experienced terrible worry and sorrow too. We understand Take care Barbara, and keep posting with us.

 

[Allee]

Barbara, I am so very sorry for you and for Lotus. Many of us know firsthand the heartbreak of caring for a sick pet and how very strong that bond becomes. It's wonderful Lotus has a vet that you know and trust. Do you have someone to go with you to hear the results on Teusday? I'm sure the vet will be able to discuss all your options when she has the test results. No one knows Lotus like you know her, you will know what is best for her. I wish you both the best possible outcome and know that both of you are in our thoughts.

 

[lotus]

Thank you all so much for your kind replies. It means so much to me, to have people who truly understand. Don't get me wrong, my husband is wonderful, he loves Lotus very much, but he is not truly a bird person, and has a hard time with with any life threatening situations, be it animal or human.
I don't know what more this vet can do, it is a definite diagnosis of cancer (fibrosarcoma) with a poor prognosis. To put it so crudely, do I just let her die or do I try everything possible to save her and expose her to more pain and suffering, knowing nothing may help anyway? Do I even have the RIGHT to make that decision??? All I can think of is what would Lotus want. I know what "I" would want. No more surgery, no radiation/chemo, leave me alone to live out my days as comfortably as I can, being with the people who love me. I am trying hard not to be anthropomorphous (I can't spell it but I know you all know what I mean) but it is an almost impossible decision.
Tuesday is just basicallyb a recheck of the surgery, and to dicuss options. To top it all off, Lotus has 3 infections, (I was so devastated by her diagnosis I didn't even ask what they were, I could barely speak) the vet had given an injection of antibiotics which was helping 2, but I have to get another today .for the third) Poor baby, she hates her medicine so,but not as much as the bandage and collar she has to wear. I just hate what she is having to go through!!!
I have 5 other fids and I try to act as normal as I can around them, I know they pick up on your moods. My U2 thinks the collar around Lotus neck is a toy, but I know she senses something else as she trys to "kiss" Lotus .
I need to go and try to get some housework done before I go to get Lotus new medicine. Thanks again for being there.

Barbara

 

[labell]

Please don't feel any guilt if you don't take further action and let Lotus live out what time she has. I have had to make this decision myself on three occasion's once with my dog, a parrot and again with my own father who I had the doctor's remove from life support. Each time I was there when they passed. My dad woke up long enough to tell me he wouldn't want to be "kept" alive and believe me when I tell you the last loving looks that my pets gave me confirmed the same thing although they couldn't say so.

Sometimes I think it maybe even harder to make this decision and go that route because we love them and don't want to suffer their loss but I have to hope someone will make the right decision for me if it ever comes to that and let me go. When anything that can be done just prolongs suffering and pain and death is imminent anyway I believe in my heart that the most loving thing we can do is keep them as pain free as possible and let them go surrounded by love.

My heart aches for you and I am holding you and Lotus in my thoughts lovingly.

 

[Kiwibird]

I'm so so sorry to hear about Lotus I know you have a difficult decision ahead, but it sounds as though you have given Lotus the best care you could the past 22 years, and I'm sure whatever choice you make will be out of love for her. I'm hoping for the best for Lotus.

 

[punkindave]

It's a difficult decision but I think you've already made it.
There is really no sense in inflicting more pain on Lotus and extraordinary expense for you and your family keeping him technically "alive".. It would prob result in extended stays at the Vet which would not be helpfull IMHO.
I know, it's heartbreaking.. I've had to do it a few times with dogs. 22 years is a long time to share your life with a pet, I would think having him pass at home in his time would be the proper thing to do.

 

[lotus]

You are right. I have made the heartbreaking decision (barring any miraculous news from the vet on Tuesday) to not expose Lotus to any more pain and suffering. Labell's post said what I felt was the most loving thing I could do for her. I knew this deep down in my heart, I guess it was just too painful to consider, but (and I don't mean to sound like a saint) it's not about MY pain.
I too, have gone through this with my dog, and of course it was still awful, but he was visibly very sick and it was very obvious he was in pain. He was also 14, not that it makes it any less painful, but he had a good, full life. Lotus is still a young bird, as we know from cockatoo lifespans, and she has had much pain already in her life. I know everyone is telling me not to feel guilty about this,but whoever has had to make this decision I am sure has gone through the what ifs, am I playing God, whatever? It is very hard right now, watching her act and play like her normal self (and I thank God for it) but it makes the decision I have made even more painful. I am absolutely terrified I will not recognize when she IS in pain, I couldn't bear to let her suffer silently.
I don't know where to go from here, I guess take 1 day at a time, and try to keep things as normal as possible, Lotus seems to want it that way, I remember after her surgery I was handeeding her scrambled eggs and juice, well today she had enough of that, I put the cup of juice in an empty food dish and as soon as my back was turned she picked it up with her beak and drank it like she usually does. That's my girl!
Have a wonderful holiday everyone.

Barbara

 

[Runnergirl]

That's so sad. You shouldn't feel guilty for putting lotus' feelings ahead of your own. That is being truly selfless. Making the harder choice, one that causes you heartache is nothing to feel bad about. You have done so much for your baby already, and take this time to spoil lotus like never before, creating lifelong memories. We are all always here when another of us needs support.