4 weeks since I lost him....feel worse!

[Chrissiejingles]

Hello. It's now 4 and a half weeks since I lost my Mr Jingles. I lost him in a horrific way (see my last thread) I feel as if I am feeling worse. I can think of his funny little ways but then I'm engulfed by thoughts of how he died. I think if I knew that he died quickly I would feel slightly better but it's the thought of him suffering, in the worst possible way, that takes over my thoughts, from the time I wake up til the time I fall asleep. I miss him so very much that I feel I will never get over it. I actually still have the rescue dog. I feel very guilty about that but he is attached to me now and at the end of the day it was instinct that led to what happened. I'm not sure if I should have kept him.I have gone over the 'what ifs' so many times. I am still angry at my partner who said "it completely slipped my mind" when he talks about leaving Jingles cage open, which led to his horrible death. I know that all of you here know how I feel. I still feel as if I am going mad with grief and guilt...such a dark place.

 

[Laurasea]

I feel your pain. Such a tragic.
You are better than me, I would not be able to keep the new rescue. One because if the constant reminder. Two because I know I could never have any more parrots...

If my partner wasn't showing empathy, I would end the relationship.. I can understand it was an accidental thing, and if they were heartbroken and sorry I would forgiving. But if it was like oh well, they'd be gone. Because that isn't a partner that's a roommate.

 

[noodles123]

I cannot imagine--- Your story made me REALLY think about some important things. I can just see my significant other (with attention issues) forgetting to shut a door etc etc (and he also has a dog that would like to "play" with my bird if he ever had the chance). If anything ever happened, I would be very bitter about it (even if it was an accident--I don't want to know how I would react in that situation, because it would be very bad). I am so sorry you are dealing with this--- your story hit home with me pretty hard and had a pretty serious impact on my thinking in general (I lost sleep over it because as much as I love my S.O, I would be so full of anger)...I just don't think I could let that go...even if it was an accident (not because it is logical, but because I know how I would feel). It sucks because I don't have a solution (for you or for me) but I do not ever want to experience what you went through because I think I would be very very unhinged....Even if they showed empathy, I would have a very hard time getting past it...Not because I can't forgive, but because it would be like losing a kid to me...Now, I am not saying that you shouldn't forgive him (that would be the logical thing to do---I just don't know that logic always wins out, even if I wish it would).
I hope this stream-of-consciousness post didn't make you feel worse. By sharing your story, you really did cause many of us to stop and think. It just sucks when you love someone and they do something that harms someone else you love. I don't have the solution, but I am very sorry your are having to process that. It isn't your fault....I can't imagine being in your shoes because it would be like pitting the 2 things I love most against one another---a very hard place to be.

Personally, I would have an easier time forgiving the dog than my S.O. but that is just because one is human and the other is not. The dog didn't know any better...Keeping him was probably the most ethical thing to do...It is the "right" thing to do (IMO) BUT, if it is tearing you up inside, know that he could likely live with another family and bond to them in time. Again---I am not saying that re-homing the dog should be an automatic, but do consider your mental health. Just so we are clear, your our S.O. is not undeserving of forgiveness (unless he is being callous about the whole thing---then kick him to the curb fast)....I am just saying that based on my personality, I would have a harder time forgiving a human (even an apologetic one---and not for lack of trying...just because I would be so shaken). I think about my S.O and I love him dearly, but if that happened to me, it would seriously rattle me to the core. I can't say I have been through what you are experiencing, but after having stayed up thinking about it (and how I would react) I can imagine what it might be like...So sorry....

 

[Scott]

Saddened to learn you are feeling worse over time following the loss of Mr. Jingles. While there is no timeline for grieving, a deteriorating mood is cause for concern. Have you considered grief counseling; either formal or in group setting that is often provided by animal shelters or veterinary clinics?

I shared a similar incident, though my solution differed from yours. The perpetrator was re-homed the next day to a breed-specific rescue which ensured transfer to a good home. Acknowledging instinct and understanding a lack of rancor was not sufficient for me. I could not love the dog and make peace with its proximity. Perhaps callous on my part, but my last and best duty to both companions was to ensure a meaningful future for the dog. ***Please note I am not suggesting you do the same. Just sharing my response to a tragedy.***

 

[Flboy]

I am confident he didn’t suffer! Shock turns the brain off! You should in no way blame your dog! Nor your partner! Just the other day, I dozed off with JoJo loose in my room! When I woke up I forgot I had him out! Coming out of my room, I saw his cage open and went into a complete panic! Shutting all doors to isolate rooms, I then started a systematic search! To compound my fear, I still couldn’t remember taking him out! Well, he had crawled into a pile of toy supplies and fell asleep! This could have just as easily went the nightmare direction!

 

[Chrissiejingles]

Thank you so much for your replies. I am actually seeing a therapist this evening at 7pm. (I love in England) I'm not sure if this will help as I get more comfort from you all but I will go. Your responses on this forum are helping me through this. Thank you.

 

[mica21493]

Aw, I'm so, so sorry to hear of your loss. My loss was not nearly as traumatic, but she did die when I was on a business trip and it was devastating to not know what her final hours were like. I struggled tremendously after her death and the help of a therapist was invaluable to me. One note though, don't give up if the first therapist isn't a good match. Find one who really understands the depth of your grief and don't be afraid to try several to find a really good fit.

 

[18WheelsOfSteel]

I actually still have the rescue dog. I feel very guilty about that but he is attached to me now and at the end of the day it was instinct that led to what happened./QUOTE]

Congratulations, you are moving into the next stage of the loss process, it will get better, just keep waking up and getting through the day.

I know it feels like 4 weeks is a long time, but it is not by comparison to how long you had Mr. Jingles in your life, it will take time, probably a good long while, this is coming from someone who has seen some of the very worst things human beings can do to one another, and that done to those I was very, very close to, it wont happen immediately, but I absolutely promise you it gets better.

 

[fiddlejen]

I am confident he didn’t suffer! Shock turns the brain off!

I try not to read these sad threads because it saddens me too much. But I just want to chime in because this is my first, and continuing, thought as well. IF he didn't die quickly then he would've gone into shock right away.

I'm very very sorry for your loss. :5_sad:

 

[LaManuka]

I hope your therapy session was helpful. As mentioned before, sometimes it does take a few tries before you find a therapist you feel comfortable with so if feel the first one doesn’t get you, don’t be afraid to try elsewhere!

The kind of sudden and shocking loss you have experienced is the kind that can consume you and constantly torment your every waking moment. Although my Baci was not lost in the same dreadful circumstances the grief I felt at his loss gnawed away at me without subsiding. You should not feel the need to just “get over it” nor feel any pressure from anyone to do so - quite frankly I don’t want to get over my Baci because I feel I’d be doing his memory a disservice. Mr Jingles was a huge part of your heart for so many years and it is to be expected that the grieving process will take time. You will ultimately find the strength to smile again but the road to get there will be a long one and there may be setbacks along the way, but if I can make it I know you can too

 

[mboundy]

I am so sorry for your loss. When I lost Lego, I hurt for a very long time. It has been 1.5 years now. I still feel bad about what happened to her. I still remember her dying in my hand, broken. It's likely I'll never forget that terrible day. But it does get easier with time. Well, for me, easier means I don't think about that day as often.

Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk

 

[Chrissiejingles]

Thank you all for your replies.. you are all so kind. I went to the therapist. She is a nice lady and I spoke to her about Jingles. It helped at the time although at work today I found myself finding somewhere to be alone and just cried my eyes out. I can't stop it. I know it will take time but I also know, having lost a baby many, many years ago, that I will always feel sad and always feel that yearning for my loved ones because my heart isn't whole without them. Losses that I have to bear forever. I do know that my memories of Mr Jingles are embedded in me and no one can take those away. I want to do a photo album but at the moment I break down everytime I look at him...my little man. Thank you all again...and thank God for this forum....I know that the best way to work through grief is to talk to people who know exactly what you are going through. Xxx

 

[noodles123]

You are normal---this is normal!
I am so sorry you are struggling with all of this, but it is a testament to the powerful bonds we form with these amazing creatures.

I am glad you are crying and talking (I have heard that those are the steps that slowly lead to healing, even if it is the hardest part).

 

[GaleriaGila]

I admire your determination and openness... it takes a lot of bravery to share a story like this, but it is so, so valuable. It helps us all process things that have happened and prepare for things that might. I am so moved by the way we share and support each other here. This place is such a source of Community for me. Thank you for contributing.

I guess I'll share this thought again since it has helped me a lot over time. No matter how the end came, your darling left this life while deeply and uniquely loved, and that is a great treasure into Eternity.

 

[Scott]

I admire your determination and openness... it takes a lot of bravery to share a story like this, but it is so, so valuable. It helps us all process things that have happened and prepare for things that might. I am so moved by the way we share and support each other here. This place is such a source of Community for me. Thank you for contributing.

I guess I'll share this thought again since it has helped me a lot over time. No matter how the end came, your darling left this life while deeply and uniquely loved, and that is a great treasure into Eternity.

^^^^Well said, Gail!!^^^^

 

[SailBoat]

May Pease find and stand with you as part of your loss my friends…

Passing of a Feathered Friend
Provided By: Steven (SailBoat), November 2016

“All of us feel such deep sadness when our Parrot friends die, and because they are Animals and not Humans, we are at a loss for words. Often, it is only other Parrot owners who can understand the depth of the loss that we feel with this complex, loyal, and loving creature. Resulting from such a loss, I have placed feelings and emotions into words and found verse to console the loss of my Cleo and since her, other sweet Amazons, in turn; I hope it will speak for all of you.” - Steven

You left this world so quickly. I can hardly comprehend your leaving. Yet there, in my hands, your still body rested – no longer your home. So much I have learned, so much you have taught, your purpose a full measure beyond your size. Comprehensions of your loss still a mist but yet, I know you are whole and happy - now beyond Rainbow Bridge. And so busy you must be upon your green wings, guiding angles to those of us yet to cross. With in my ear, I still hear you, those special sweet sounds of comfort and contentment:


“Do not stand by my grave and weep my friend.
I am not here. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the gentle summer rain.
When you wake in the morning hush, I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry my friend.
I am not there. I did not die.”

My pray for you my beloved feathered friend:

“May your body nourish this earth.
May your soul find release and contentment.
May you fly high and free upon wings of spirit.
Rest in peace little green one.”

The love and tender warmth of you is a un-full-fill-able void.
I do so much thank-you for creating a space for another, a special place next to yours’.

In remembrance of Cleo, (Estimated) Spring 1959 - May 2003

Amazon’s Have More Love!

Sources: Cheyenne Warrior Blessing, The Amazona Society’s Forum, Steven (SailBoat)